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What I Learnt From Quitting Dating Apps For 18 Months

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I’m not an overly lucky person. I’ve never picked any correct Lotto numbers. I’ve never left pub bingo night with a plate of cold meats in my hands. I can never find a decent avocado at the supermarket.

So when I decided to uproot my life and move from Melbourne to Sydney in 2021, after spending most of 2020 in lockdown and unable to date (or socialise, or eat in a restaurant, or visit my parents), I thought this was a chance to turn my luck around.

Little did I know that ol’ mate Delta Variant had other plans and since arriving at the end of June last year, I spent most of my time in lockdown, as did the entire population of Greater Sydney and most of regional NSW, along with more lockdowns being enforced across Victoria.

This means that not only did I not bother with dating apps from the beginning of the pandemic in 2020 — in large part due to persistent lockdowns, but some part due to my impending interstate move — but by the end of August in 2021, I still hadn’t dated. That’s roughly 18 months of not using dating apps, therefore not meeting any potential romantic interests, or even just engaging in a cheeky flirt.

It’s especially grim as I live alone, but tbh, you get used to it! I’m doing fine, just fine! My pets are decent company, as is my sock puppet named Mr. Ticklesworth, when he’s not feuding with my cat Buffy.

I’m fully aware that my situation is completely unremarkable as most single people not just in Australia but around the world, have found themselves struggling to date over lengthy periods over the past two years. Or in some cases, people are just feeling extra cautious about interacting with new people at the moment.

It’s a sign of the goddamn times: it’s extra weird to be single right now.

“It’s easy to fall into a rut when you’re in and out of lockdown,” sexologist and relationship expert Chantelle Otten told me. “Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and use this time to explore what you want out of a relationship and how you approach that relationship. At a time when we’re all being stretched and pulled in so many different ways, our positive attitude has never been more critical.”

So after spending so much time with the option of meeting a new romantic interest removed, I’ve started to reassess my approach to dating apps. I had a lot of time to think — like, A LOT — and I’m here to impart some wisdom.

(Yes, I am still single. No, that doesn’t mean I’m in no position to offer dating advice. You’re not my mother!)

What I learnt from quitting dating apps for 18 months:

1. Be specific about what you’re looking for.

Before my dating hiatus, I was all about going with the flow. If a potential match was looking for something casual, while I was looking for a relationship, I’d just think: well, why not meet for a drink? Maybe it could go somewhere. Who knows? Well, from experience… I know. If someone says they want something casual, they mean something casual. By playing these games, I only played myself.

Then there would be bios where a guy says he was looking to settle down soon. Again that isn’t what I’m looking for — the idea of marriage and kids is so far on the horizon, it’s a mere blurry dot. Before COVID, I would still entertain this kind of guy, I’d still match and chat with him. Maybe he’s the elusive One? Maybe I’d change my mind? Maybe I should just go with it as his chin has a striking resemblance to Zac Efron’s?

As women, we are far too adaptable and it’s often to our detriment. Be upfront about your intentions and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t align with what you’re looking for. Ultimately, you’re just wasting your own time and setting yourself up to either get hurt or hurt somebody else.

Don’t be afraid to put in your bio exactly what you’re on the dating app for. If you’re wanting more than a fling, switch your setting to say ‘Looking for a relationship’, and don’t worry that this might scare some men off. Because guess what? Those men are not for you.

2. Curate a profile that makes you proud.

Instead of uploading all your hottest and most filtered pics that maybe don’t reflect how you look 90% of the time, build a profile that not only represents you, but makes you proud. I’m not saying don’t include any thirst traps – hell, you’ve got to give them something to get their attention – but don’t forget to include some everyday pics of you also. That could mean you’re wearing glasses, an Oodie, or maybe it’s a throwback photo from the time you dressed as Gollum for a midnight screening of Lord of the Rings (just me?).

A dating profile is basically an advertisement for dating you, so sell yourself — but sell the real you. “A good circuit breaker for any situation that is feeling a little negative is to try a new approach,” Otten recommended. “This might mean approaching a situation with a positive attitude, changing the way you interact with people or even shaking up your Bumble profile so it reflects your personality in a way that feels really authentic and genuine — and shows off who you are.”

3. Actually read potential match’s bios.

It’s easy to get into a rut where you swipe without reading any bios, but then you’re only getting half the picture. A guy that isn’t 100% your type looks-wise, could have a personality and sense of humour that matches yours perfectly and the only place to find that out is their bio. These days, so many men don’t even write bios — or they just list emojis or height — so if a guy actually puts in the effort to author a witty bio that showcases his personality, it might be worth swiping right.

You could hit it off and the attraction could grow, or maybe you could make a new friend. What a concept!

4. Don’t swipe like you’re playing a game or scrolling Instagram.

As mentioned above, before 2020 I often found myself just swiping left or right based on the first image — like I’m playing a game. Dating apps can now feel as though they have just become part of the nightly routine while watching TV: scrolling Instagram, checking TikTok, then swiping through your preferred dating app. This means that when we swipe, we’re barely paying attention to the actual person behind each profile. 

You need to be in a dating mindset when you’re using the app, so if you’re not in the mood, don’t even go there. But when you are open to meeting someone, log on to dating apps with intention.

APAC Communications Director at Bumble, Lucille McCart, told me that “If endless daily swiping doesn’t feel like it is generating results for you, try being intentional with how you use the app — for example, scheduling allocated times during the week where you will dedicate your energy to it and don’t forget you can use Snooze mode if you start to feel overwhelmed and need a break.”

5. If they take forever to respond, they’re not interested.

There’s not much more to this point other than looking at it from your own perspective. If you’re keen and excited to be talking to someone, you reply quickly, or at the very least on the same day they messaged you. If you’re not invested and don’t care about the match, then you often take days, or weeks to reply. Now apply that logic to all the men who move at a snail’s pace when messaging you back. The ones where conversations that should take a few hours, take a few weeks. He ain’t for you, sis.

Thank you, next. It’s better to be happily single than chasing men who aren’t interested.

6. Don’t entertain fuckbois…ever!

Women are indoctrinated with this idea that we can change men or that we can better them. This means that when we meet a guy on a dating who exhibits classic fuckboi red flags, we sometimes think that it’s some kind of challenge to fix him. It’s absolutely not!

Fuckbois are time-wasters and unless you’re looking for a casual hookup, don’t even go there. Otten advised that “Now more than ever, I’m finding my clients are craving genuine connections and sometimes we have to get creative with how we achieve this. If our current approach to connection isn’t working, try something new,” she said.

So if you’ve matched with guys in the past, who made it clear from their bio that they just want a noncommittal one-night stand — and you don’t — then it’s time to swipe left on that sort of person… yes, even if they’re extremely hot (which they often are). If it looks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably a fuckboi. Don’t match, don’t message, don’t bother — abort, abort, abort!

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It’s Back On The Apps week at Punkee! We’re digging into the good, the bad, and the highly questionable when it comes to using dating apps. Find more of our content here.