You’re The Worst: I Banged A Guy With The Smelliest Dick

‘You’re The Worst’ is a Punkee series where our writers and readers share their sex and dating horror stories, confessing to the times they’ve been rather terrible people, or reminiscing on occasions where they’ve had to endure some cooked behaviour from others.

I have one sexual encounter that I will never live down and every time I think about it I physically shudder.

So I used to know this guy who I met on one of the gay dating apps. We had gone on two dates and there seemed like there was enough chemistry to have a third— which for me usually means sexy time.

He invites me over and I fully prep myself to go over to his house. I shave, trim, pluck, you name it! I made my body a journey of scents and delights, for the big night ahead aka going to pound town.

I head over to his house, we hang, get chatting and we get onto the topic of skincare (side note: I’m a full-time makeup artist and love to look after my skin). We were talking about skin types, skincare routines and what he uses versus what I use etc. I lean in to get a closer look at his face, and mention that his skin was pretty clear of oil, and ask him “When did you last wash your face?”.

I assumed he, like me, had freshly showered considering I was coming over to “watch movies and hang” aka get nailed and bump uglies. He comes back at me with “Oh when I last had a shower, so probably four or five days ago?”

My heart sinks instantly as what he just said dawns on me in a combination of horror and disgust.

Wait.. what did he just say? Four or five days?! What the hell!? First of all, who doesn’t shower every day?! Don’t you feel gross? Secondly, knowing you were having company, why the hell didn’t you do anything to get ready?! Is this a normal hygiene routine for him to not bathe for almost a week at a time?

What the hell do I do now? I was torn. Do I make up some excuse and call it a night? Maybe I should say I suddenly have come down with Ebola? Or do I power on, considering it had been a while and I had gone to all the trouble of preparing? Like, I smelt and felt amazing.

I decide to go for the latter. And what greeted me when I take off his jocks? My heart sunk.

There’s no way to put this delicately….his dick fucking stinks.

Like, that sharp, pungent fish smell that hits you when you walk past the seafood section at Coles but ten thousand times worse. It was like a dumpster from a sushi restaurant had been upended onto his crotch and he was like “eh, that’ll be fine!”

I consider bailing again. Is this really worth it? But mum didn’t raise no quitter! Like a trooper, I carry on. Even though it smelt like the toilets at Flinders Street station, I was determined to finish what we had started. The sex wasn’t even good either.

It was the most awkward sexual experience of my life. Let’s just say that we did indeed do the deed, but afterwards I was out of there faster than Usain Bolt and I haven’t seen him since.

Have your own funny/gross/weird dating horror stories worth sharing? We want to hear it! Submissions will stay anonymous, so hit us up with your story between 300-500 words at: [email protected]