Forget Your Trash Opinions, This Is The Definitive Ranking Of Easter Eggs
Easter is just around the corner y’all, and this means a few things.
Choccy for breakfast will soon be a totally acceptable life choice, the only carbs that matter come in the form of a hot cross bun, and it’s the anniversary of ya boi Jesus fooling the punks who crucified him by pulling off the ultimate *PSYCH* and resurrecting from death.
surprise bitches, lmao
Circling back to the choccy for breakfast biz, it’s Easter egg season, and we’re doing it. In this current climate there are too many types of Easter eggs to choose from, and only one can reign as the true choccy champion.
If we forgot your favourite brand of egg that nobody has heard of because it’s too boujie, you clearly went to private school and weren’t subjected to the floury Black & Gold eggs teachers would hand out every year, and it shows.
These are the easter eggs we tested:
And here are the results!
#13. Cadbury Turkish Delight
I didn’t come here to make friends, I came to rank Easter eggs, and Turkish Delight chocolate is rank.
It’s in the bin. I’m (not) sorry.
Rating: -5/10
#12. Cadbury Creme Egg
The Cadbury Creme Egg isn’t even an Easter egg, really. You can buy it all-year round which, if I’m being honest, terrifies me to my very core.
This is no chocolate. This is a human torture device with the consistency of phlegm. Bye.
Rating: 0/10
#11. Dairy Fine Mini Caramel Filled Eggs (via ALDI)
I looked everywhere, and this was the closest thing I could find to the home brand chocolate eggs you’d cop in primary school. In hindsight, I probably should have hit up the Reject Shop.
Anyway, these aren’t great. In fact, they’re pretty bad.
The chocolate was hard and floury and the caramel was almost the consistency of water, and sugary syrup exploded all over my kitchen floor… it was the most action I’ve gotten in weeks.
Rating: 1/10
#10. Dairy Fine Speckled Eggs (via ALDI)
Alright, top 10, let’s do it.
I had no hope for these weird-looking eggies, but they for sure proved me wrong. The outside is kind of sugary, which I didn’t think I’d be into, but here we are. Also, the chocolate on the inside isn’t bad by ALDI’s standards.
It kind of tasted like cake icing, which is bomb-as-fuck.
Rating: 6/10
#9. Cadbury Top Deck Eggs
There’s nothing wrong with these, it’s that they’re just Top Deck chocolate, you know?
Where’s the drama? Where’s the pizazz, Cadbury? I want a little more surprise in my Easter eggs – mix that shit up.
Rating: 6.5/10
#8. Lindt Milk, Dark & White (tied)
These all came in the same pack and are copping the same ranking. Lindt chocolate is good, don’t get it twisted, but I feel like after two eggs it’s game over.
Maybe it’s too sweet, or maybe it’s because at this point in our ranking I’ve eaten too much chocolate that I forget what it’s meant to taste like. Who knows?
Rating: 7/10
#7. Darrell Lea Peanut Brittle Milk Chocolate Eggs
Throw some peanut brittle in anything and I’m all ears, and the Darrell Lea Peanut Brittle Milk Chocolate Eggs are lit.
My only issue is they got so stuck in my teeth I had to brush them afterwards – a small price to pay!
Rating: 8/10
#6. Cadbury Oreo Eggs
Oreo cookie good, chocolate good, chuck that into egg form, GOOD!
No complaints, but again you can buy this in chocolate bar form – the only thing holding this cheeky little egg from a top spot.
Rating: 8.15/10
#5. Cadbury Salted Caramel Eggs & Cadbury Caramello Eggs (tied)
It’s like splitting hares at this point (lmao get it? Okay. I’ll see myself out.)
The salted caramel is bomb, and so is the caramello, the only difference is that one’s gooey and one’s salty. But both are enjoyable, so they’re sharing the #5 spot.
Rating: 8.25/ 10
#4. Humpty Dumpty
Ah Humpty Dumpty, the thiccest boi in all the land.
This is the chocolate I would pass as a kid and be like damn, that’s what rich people buy, isn’t it?
I tried it for the first time and look, I wasn’t disappointed. Maybe it just didn’t live up to the 15-years-in-the-making hype. The smartie to chocolate ratio was a little off, but also if it was packed to the brim with smarties, I probably would’ve gone into cardiac arrest.
The only thing keeping our boi Humpty from a top spot is the fact he looks scary-as-fuck out of the packaging.
Who are you, and what did you do with Madeleine McCann?
Rating: 8.5/10
#3. Cadbury Cherry Ripe Egg & Cadbury Crunchie Egg (tied)
Cadbury chocolate is the best chocolate – don’t @ me. So, naturally, the Cherry Ripe and Crunchie eggs are deserving of a top 3 spot.
My only fault in the Crunchie egg is, WHERE IS THE CRUNCH?!
Rating: 9/10
#2. Cadbury Milk Chocolate Egg
The OG of chocolate eggs.
When I think my daily chocolate consumption is at its limit, you just pull me right back in. Why can’t I quit you, Cadbury Milk Chocolate Egg?
Cadbury Milk Chocolate Egg is that ex you keep drunk texting at midnight, thinking one day they will love you the way you’d always hoped, but instead they just screen your calls.
I’ll wait for you, egg. I’ll wait.
Rating: 9.5/10
#1. Ferrero Eggs
First of all, bitch.
I didn’t even know these things existed, but as I was cruising the aisles of ALDI, the Fererro Eggs and I locked eyes and it was over for the rest of those egg bitches.
How does one perfect the deliciousness of a Ferrero Rocher? Put it in an egg form, and market it as Easter chocolate, that’s how.
Seriously, this is great and not what I suspected would be my number one. If you’re mad, stay mad. If you’re into it, go pick yourself up some because they’re incredible. A bit exxy, but worth it, IMHO.
Rating: 10/10
I feel sick now. I’m going to cry then have a nap. Happy Easter, bbies!!! xoxo
