We Can 100% Predict Your Future Based On Your Go-To Drunken Feed

After a long night of cutting absolute shapes on the dance floor, vodka soda in hand, there’s only one sure-fire way of ending your night on a high – a drunken feed.

Figuring out what drunk food can kind-of-but-not-really sober you up while simultaneously fuelling your body with energy lost whipping and nae nae-ing on the DF is important, but did you know that your go-to actually reveals more about you than you think?

Your future isn’t just written in the stars, it’s also written in the food you cry into when drunk.

Forget a psychic reading, and let me predict your future based on your go-to drunken feed.

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Love is just around the corner. You and your future partner have already crossed paths when you were both lining up for a mixed kebab at 4am one Saturday morning. Keep returning to your local and you and them will meet officially and have a happy life together.

If you’re already in a relationship, dump them – Kebab thottie is the one for you.

Cold, Leftover Pizza

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I see a hangover in your future, you gross bitch.

Chicken Nuggets (Macca’s, Obvs)

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The amount of self-love you have for yourself is immense and will serve you well into the future. I see a career as a motivational speaker, where you will travel the globe educating the ways of the chicken nugget.

Cold, Leftover Thai Food

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Things are a bit bleak at the moment mate, aren’t they? You tell yourself and those around you, “it just tastes better cold!” You’re not fooling anyone. I see an early death in your future – salmonella. If you manage to change your life and avoid the salmonella you will be a millionaire.

Your Housemate’s Leftovers

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You’re a sociopath and will spend a good amount of time in prison. It’s what you deserve.

Hot Chips

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You’re total husband/wife material and you will fall in love in the next two years. Be wary of snakes who pop up between now and then though, they’re nasty AF and should not be trusted. You will live to be 100 years old.

Something you cook for yourself

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You’re extremely put together and honestly? It scares me. It is you who will discover a cure for cancer, so thanks babe for being great so the rest of us can live our lives as garbage people.

Toasted Sandwich

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After you construct this magnificent toastie at your friend’s house party, you’ll be dragged into a d&m with your ex out the back. He will tell you he’s still in love with you, but, ya know, you’re just at a point where you are just starting to get over him and while feelings are still there, you’re just not sure that going back to him is a good idea.

You’ll explain at length to him that it’s not a good idea. At this point, your toasted sandwich is cold out the outside and soggy on the inside. I recommend doing all toasting in the comfort of your own home.

Oh, and don’t get back with your ex – I predict him becoming even more of a fuccboi in the future.


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Mmmm burger! You’re super matter-of-fact and don’t pretend to be anything you’re not. Unfortunately you’re so real that it can deter some people, because you intimidate them.

Your love life might be a bit bleak at the moment but you know what? You love yourself, and that’s the most important thing. You will live to be 82, and will have a brief stint as a WWE wrestler.

Macca’s Breakfast

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You know what you want and you’re not afraid to go out and get it. The same idea transcends into your love life, but something’s holding you back. If there’s someone you love, make your intentions clear – you might just find The One.

Or you’ll find an extra hash brown at the bottom of your bag and honestly, that’s just as good.

Mexican Food

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Stay close to the bathroom – that burrito you’re about to consumer is super nasty and you’re about to enter vomit city, population you. Alright, the burrito wasn’t bad, I’m just trying to make you feel better about the metric tonnes of tequila you consumed tonight.

You and I should be friends – call me.

There you have it folks – a psychic reading! You can PayPal me at [email protected] and I will give you more readings for the low-low price of just $400 an hour!