The 5 Stages Of Grief Everyone Experiences When They Watch ‘Fast & Furious’
The best piece of cinema of 2019 is coming out this week. I’m talking about Hobbs & Shaw, the Fast and Furious spin-off starring The Rock, Jason Statham and literal angel Idris Elba.
Obviously I’m a big fan of the franchise. You could say that I live my life a quarter mile at a time, always striving to be a fast and furious girl. But it hasn’t always been this way.
Until February, I’d never seen any of the nine Fast and Furious movies. And then my best friend found out and forced me to marathon all of them in a weekend.
I came out of that hellscape a true fan, but not before I experienced denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Here’s everything I experienced in the five stages of grief when watching the Fast and Furious movies:
#1. Denial
Absolutely not.
There’s no earthly way that this movie about Vin Diesel saying things like “I don’t have friends, I got family” and “You can have any brew you want, as long as it’s a Corona” will be good. There’s simply no way. How is this my life now?
I simply do not buy Paul Walker as an undercover cop who turns his back on the police because he becomes BFFs with Vin Diesel. I must be on death’s door, having fever dreams. Cool.
#2. Anger
I am furious at everything, too angry to even enjoy that hilarious joke. I still made it three times during 2 Fast 2 Furious.
This movie is so stupid. I hate that Eva Mendes wants to jump Paul Walker’s bones when he drives without watching. I hate that the cars have ejector seats. I hate that Paul Walker jumps his car off a ramp and lands on a yacht.
I hate that Vin Diesel isn’t in this one. And I hate that I miss him. I’ve been betrayed by my best friend and my own heart.
All the men in Tokyo Drift, which is a trashcan fire movie for trashcan fire people, bet their ACTUAL girlfriends on drift races and all the girls just roll with it. NO, THIS SHOULD NOT EXIST.
#3. Bargaining
Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe if I get into the mindset of a 15-year-old boy I’ll enjoy these movies about men saying “I need NOS” the same way I say “I need lunch”.
Would the marathon stop if I suggested we drive to the shops to get lunch? Would Vin Diesel stop making these movies if a red bicycle with NOS appeared on his doorstep one day?
Was I cursed by an old witch, and how can I reverse the curse? Is this punishment for laughing at kids falling over? Should I sell all my material possessions?
How can I bring about the apocalypse so that horses are the only mode of transport society has left? Be the change you want to see in the world.
#4. Depression
The Rock’s biceps and Gal Gadot’s legs are in Fast Five, so why do I feel empty inside?
I don’t even laugh when they drive through the city carrying a bank vault behind their cars. I don’t feel anything when The Rock and Vin Diesel have a very homoerotic fistfight. I’ve simply given up. This is my life now.
#5. Acceptance
“Haha they just jumped their cars between two skyscrapers,” I messaged my housemate.
“That’s ridiculous,” he replied.
“No shut up, it’s good.” I didn’t have time to feel annoyed at him — I was busy watching Vin Diesel parachute down to earth inside his car.
My heart hurt when Paul Walker drove away for the last time at the end of Furious 7. I was on the edge of my seat when a submarine chased down their cars in The Fate of the Furious. I truly felt the power of family when everyone parked their cars around Vin Diesel to save him from an explosion.
And when a muscle car did a wheelie to outrun a homing missile, I lost my honest-to-goodness goddamn mind.
I don’t know how it happened, but there I was. A Fast & Furious fan. I don’t even remember my life before. The old Alana is dead. There’s only the fast and furious Alana now.
Fast & Furious is a masterpiece. My life is brighter with these movies in it. I actually enjoy drinking Coronas now. I stan.
These movies are my ride or die and I will not apologise.