I Watched The ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Trilogy For The First Time & Here’s My Accurate Summary

For the last four years, watching Fifty Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day has been tradition, with this year being the first since 2015 that we haven’t had another film on the horizon.

Surprisingly, I have remained immune to the movie’s charms and haven’t seen a single film out of the trilogy. So I decided to put the franchise to the ultimate test by watching all three films for the first time and summarising the whole thing.

First up, it must be noted that the main character Christian Grey sucks. He exhibits every single red flag imaginable when assessing an unhealthy relationship. Besides that, he is also so boring and without any likeable traits that I find it hard to believe that any woman would ever want to have sex with him.

Let’s get straight into this fuckery, shall we!

We open with Anastasia (aka Ana) arriving at a giant office. She has been sent to interview some rich dude called Christian Grey because her journalist friend is too sick.

Ana is not a journalist and nope this would never fly in real life but this movie loves playing fast and loose with reality so just roll with it.

Rocking up to Mr Grey’s fancy office that’s as big as my entire apartment, I think Ana is supposed to look ugly or at the very least that stereotypical teen movie kind of ugly, where pulling her hair down and taking off her glasses transforms her in a Victoria’s Secret angel.

She is greeted by Mr Grey, who I can only describe as some kind of soulless demon wrapped in the skin of an adequate man. He seems nice but is lacking any kind of personality traits to prove he’s actually human. His eyes are so black, I feel like he has been summoned by the Dark Lord.

He stares deeply at Ana, scanning every inch of her flesh and looking like he wants to inhale her hair.

It’s weird and off-putting. Ana wants to leave, she’s saying it all with her eyes.

Once the interview is done and Ana is free she runs into the rain, in need of cleansing. I do the same.

Just when we thought we were rid of Christian, he shows up at Ana’s work. Totally normal. Nothing suss there.

Then he makes an excuse to get her alone again and when seated at a cafe, he takes her muffin. Then he gives her the muffin, like it was his to give. He tells her to eat it.

HANG ON, IT WAS HER MUFFIN.

I had already cancelled this dude, but how dare he taketh a muffin then giveth it back. He doesn’t just giveth, he forces the muffin in her face and no, that’s not code for some kinky sex move.

I am ropeable.

Ana is keen to lose this creep. She heads out for a night on the town and while all kinds of wasted she drunk dials him and then vomits on his shoes.

Christian is furious. I love this messy bitch.

The stalking continues. For the entirety of the movie, Christian stares at Ana sooo intently like he’s trying to infiltrate her mind and control her from the inside.

She needs to call the police.

Christian presents Ana with a BDSM contract to sign, agreeing to be his submissive. She doesn’t seem into it and starts to blanks his calls. He still won’t leave her alone.

All of a sudden Christian appears in HER FUCKING ROOM. Who let him in? How did he get a key? Can Ana trust anyone anymore?

This creep needs to be arrested but also he brought wine so why not have a glass first.

She agrees to go along with the sex stuff without signing the contract. Ana is told that the safeword is red or yellow and this will signify that it’s time to stop.

My mind goes directly here:

Is that why they call it a Happy Meal?

Christian takes Ana to his red room and tbh, I thought this movie was going to be a lot raunchier than this.

It’s really not so bad, he just loves braiding women’s hair. Everyone has their kink, mine is dating men that still live at home with their parents with aspirations to be the next Blink 182.

The rest of the red room is just an uncut version of Bird Box.

The first film ends with Ana confronting Christian over why he’s such a soulless creep and he tells her “It’s the way I am! Cos I’m 50 shades of fucked up.”

SRSLY. WHO WRITES THIS STUFF?

This dialogue. Make it stop.

Anyways, the dialogue is so awful that Anna dumps his ass.

We are going to roll through Fifty Shades Darker in a quick minute because not only is it the worst of the three films, it might be the worst contribution to humanity.

Here are the footnotes:

Ana somehow gets back with Christian, despite finding out he has been having people follow her since they first met and also found out her bank account details without her consent.

The whole movie is basically women from his past warning her to kick him to the curb.

Despite their attempts, Christian proposes to Ana at the end of the second movie. She agrees but only on one condition.

And he came through with the goods.

I assume following the wedding in the third film, Ana’s plan was to run off on her own but Christian continued to control her every move.

Christian brings her to his house and continues to stare deeply into her eyes like Gollum gazing upon the ring.

He ignores Ana’s protests and feeds her like an infant.

Feeling trapped in her marriage with the guy that has the personality of a plastic pot plant, she reaches out to the first female who visits.

She seizes her chance to be free and gets her ass out of the house and marriage.

Ana is 50 shades of outta there. Boy, byeeeeeeeeee.

Full disclosure: I stopped watching the movie after this part. But with a title like Fifty Shades Freed, it’s safe to assume the third film is about Ana’s emancipation from boring soulless stalker Christian.

Stalking isn’t sexy or romantic; stalking is illegal.

I’m personally only here for a story about Ana embracing her newfound love of BDSM and opening up her own sex club, where she dominates and disciplines deeply mediocre men like Mr Grey.

I’d pay to see that shit.