50 Ways To Get Out Of Those Plans You Truly Regret Saying Yes To
Hi. My name’s Bradley and I’m a flake.
I make plans only to bail on them last minute. Locking down a date even in the faraway future makes me feel uneasy and I am totally liable to just straight-up smoke bomb a party if it’s not my vibe. And you know what? I’ve come to terms and am totally okay with it.
Being a flake isn’t a super desirable quality as a friend, boyfriend, human, whatever — but you know what? I’m really bloody good at it and nobody can take that away from me.
I’m so good, in fact, that I’m about to hook you up with some insider’s info, with 50 foolproof* ways to bail on those plans you already committed to, but really wish you didn’t.
*Results may will absolutely vary.
#1 Say You’ve Got Gastro.
It’s a real thing, it’s common and doesn’t invite any follow-up questions. Plus it’s suuuuper contagious so nobody will want to fuck with you (or smell you).
#2 Dramatically “Spill” Red Wine All Over Yourself.
“Oh my god, can you believe this!? I have to go home and change now. Be back never, bitch.”
#3 Pick A Fight With Whoever You’re Meant To Hang With
If you’re not sure how to pick a fight, try bringing up some of their biggest insecurities, or hit them with your car. Whatever works for you!
#4 “Shit Man, I Forgot It’s My Mum’s Birthday.”
We’ve all done it, you ain’t special. If your friend has a soul they will let you off the hook, even though you’re a lying piece of shit.
#5 Sleep With The Partner Of Whoever You’re Meant To Hang With
Chances are they won’t want to hang out with you after this.
#6 “Oh no, I’ve double booked myself!”
Now this one is a bit tricky to navigate because it implies that there is someone else you’re meant to be seeing, and they take preference over whoever it is you’re trying to bail on.
BUT you can always be like “yeah, we organised this months and months ago!” Then the person should be cool with it because of standard shot-gun rules etc. etc.
#7 Fake Your Own Death
Can’t hang out if you’ve ceased to exist.
#8 “My Housemate You’ve Never Met Before Broke Her Leg And I’m In The Emergency Room With Her.”
“Her name? It’s Brenda.”
#9 Ghost Them
Lmao, literally just don’t show up.
#10 “I Am So So SOOOO Sorry! I Forgot! Owe You One! Seriously!”
Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days. Everybody knows what, what’ I’m talkin’ ’bout. Everybody gets that way. NOBODY’S PEEEERFECT.
#11 Remind Them That The Jonas Brothers Are In Town, So Obvi You’re Fully Booked
Honestly, dead-ass, any other weekend would work I’m just really trying to get Kevin Jonas’s autograph.
#12 “Can We Reschedule For After Pay Day?”
A good friend will acknowledge when another friend is broke.
#13 Play Dumb
Plans? You didn’t make any plans with me. I think I would remember if you and I made plans.
#14 Give Yourself Food Poisoning
Nothing a little raw chicken left out in the sun for a few hours can’t fix, sweaty. Bone apple queef. xoxo.
#15 “I Really Need To Catch Up On ‘The Big Bang Theory’”
Spinning this one might just eliminate all plans with the person in the foreseeable future because you’re a horrible, horrible person who doesn’t deserve friendship.
#16 Go, Make A Scene, Then Go Home
Get there, stay 5 minutes, throw a glass of champagne at someone then go home.
#17 Delete And Block Their Number And Erase Them From Your Life
Bye, bitch.
#18 “My Mum Said I Shouldn’t Hang Out With You Anymore”
A classic case of shifting the blame. Anyone who gets mad at your mum’s judgement is worth hanging out with.
#19 Call The Police On Them
Put in an anonymous tip that they’re selling drugs and watch the police raid their house from the comfort of your car, while wearing a hoodie and dark glasses.
#20 Catfish Them And Ask Them On A Date On The Night You Two Were Meant To Hang
Then get mad at them for bailing on you.
#21 “It’s Not You, It’s Me”
Break up with them.
#22 Send Them Your Obituary
Sorry hun, can’t come to the movies bc as you can see I am very much dead. Don’t bring flowers to my funeral, just transfer some money to my bank account. BSB: 663…
#23 Sell Their Identity On The Black Market
They’ll be too busy cancelling all their bank cards and ordering a new birth certificate to worry about you bailing on dinner.
#24 “I Am Actually Doing Charity Work That Night… So… You Get It”
I’m better than you, I want you to know it, and you getting upset right now is actually so selfish and you should stop.
#25 Hire A Doppelgänger To Go In Your Place
Honestly? Foolproof.
#26 Shit Yourself
Um.
#27 “I’m Still Mad At You For That Thing You Did” — “What, you don’t remember? Well, that’s on you, babe.”
“I seriously can’t believe you can’t remember. Typical from you, TBH.”
#28 Organise For Them To Be Kidnapped
Only for the night!
#29 Organise Yourself To Be Kidnapped
Only for the night! 😉
#30 “My Boss Is Making Me Work A Shift Tonight!”
Yas, B! Shift that blame!
#31 Put Your Headphones In And Take A Really Long Nap
Catch some z’s boo.
#32 Take A Nap & Get Your Friends To Navigate Your Body Like A Skin Puppet
That way you still show up, and participate, but have to put in like ZERO effort.
#33 “My sister’s housemate’s cat is actually getting married, and it asked me to officiate. So, yeah. I’d invite you but we’ve hit capacity.”
You get it…
#34 Let Them Know In Way Of Song
“I don’t fuck with youuuuu.”
#35 Gaslight Them
“I’m sorry, who’s calling? I have literally never met you before in my life and I’m calling the police.”
#36 “I actually have a date!”
A stretch, I know. But they just might believe you.
#37 Be Upfront And Honest As To Why You Can’t Hang Out
Lmao. Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?
#38 Ask If It’s Okay If You Invite Someone Else
Then just have them go in your place.
#39 Chuck A Tantrum
I’m talking kicking and screaming on the floor of Woolies after your mum says you can’t have a Kinder Surprise level tantrum.
#40 Get Real With Them
“How long have you known me? Are you seriously surprised that I’m bailing on you?”
#41 Bail, But Offer A Solution
“Eeek! I can’t make tonight, but how’s tomorrow?”
#42 Give Them A Bunch Of Cash
Buy forgiveness.
#43 Steal All Their Credit Cards
Can’t hang out if you can’t pay for it, hun.
#44 Shave Their Head In Their Sleep
They won’t want to leave their house. Unless they’re low-key living for their new look, in that case, remind them that they look disgusting.
#45 “My Car Broke Down”
Can you believe it!?
#46 “Someone Stole The Wheels Off My Car”
Just my luck!
#47 “Someone Stole My Car’s Steering Wheel”
Honestly, what are the odds?
#48 “I Don’t Own A Car”
“And public transport grosses me out… and so does your car… so.”
#49 Just Go
Bite the bullet, stop being such a dick and just GO. You made the plans, now front up, ya lil bitch.
#50 Throat Punch Them
I don’t reckon they’ll be keen to hang after a firm punch to the jugular.
Gee you all are lucky to have me, a supportive force in your life. By free, my flakey friends!