Here’s How To Act Like You Give A Fk About Your Friend’s Baby
It’s one thing to be obsessed with your own baby. You spent at least nine months preparing for it to join your life/family, so it only makes sense.
However, it’s a WHOLE OTHER THING to take that obsession, and shove it down the throats of your innocent friends when all they’re tryna do is live their lives and do their thang.
When your friend has a baby, it seems as if that’s literally all they can talk about. If it’s not about the child, then it’s not a conversation. And if it’s not a baby pic, then it’s not an Insta-post.
Billions of friendships around the globe have fallen apart due to the lack of care about baby talk. Fake smiles, fake laughs, and “no your baby is not coming to my Bachelorette party wtf?” are some of the sole carriers of the disease that is the mate’s baby.
To salvage some of these relationships, we’ve put together a guide that will allow you to pretend like you care about your friend’s baby when in reality you couldn’t give two shits.
Here is a guide on how to act like you give a fk about your friend’s baby:
When They Ask You To Babysit
1. Pretend like you’re absolutely dying to babysit, then pull out due to an ‘intense fever’
Trust us, parents don’t want anyone even remotely sick watching their child. If you tell them that you’re experiencing flu-like symptoms the night before, they’ll be the ones to cancel on YOU, and boom, your Friday night is free again.
2. Hire a stunt double babysitter to watch the child
If you end up in a situation where you have to watch the child, don’t fret. Hire a REAL babysitter, keep them separate in the living room, and you can sit in the master and nap until 12. Technically you’re STILL there? It’s foolproof.
When They Show You 800 Pics & Vids Of Their Baby
1. Constantly say “omg cute!!!”, even though you literally don’t give a fk
“Omg cute” can literally fit into anything when it comes to a baby. Whether it’s a walking vid, sleeping vid, or even a pooping vid, this phrase will get you through it all.
2. Keep your eyes focused so that you don’t get caught saying “how adorable” to the floor
Rookie mistake. I know that your eyes can wander after seeing the same video ten times, but stay focused. Parents are always looking at your face to see your reaction, and if your eyes are closed or looking elsewhere then you’re pretty much screwed.
When They Automatically Assume That Their Baby Is Invited To Your Event
1. Allocate the child a room somewhere, but make it far, far away from the function
Depending on how upscale your event is, most of the time a baby does not fit in there. Therefore, you need to keep the child as far away as possible. You can’t have your guests smelling and hearing things that aren’t within your theme. Nup, put that bub elsewhere. Far, far away.
2. Have security remove the baby from the event, and then pretend like you had no idea
LOOK, security should automatically know to remove gatecrashers? Is your baby on the list? NOPE. So it only makes sense that they are removed from the party. Obviously I’ll act shocked when you tell me that they tried to mangle the child out of your hands, but I mean, I wonder who told them to do that…
3. Tell them that your friends have just returned from an overseas destination known for swine flu or something
Parents don’t want their baby around any type of sickness. If you let them know that some of your friends who are attending the party have been exposed to foreign diseases, I promise you, that baby will not be there.
When They Put Their Baby On The Phone
1. Set the phone to speaker, draw yourself a bath, and say “Who’s a good boy!” every two-or-so minutes
Parents who make me talk to their baby on their phone are literally ridiculous. I highly doubt that your two-month-old can string together a sentence, let alone have something interesting to say. As long as you constantly say some type of words to gently bait the child into talking, you’re sweet.
When You See The Baby After Weeks Of Avoiding It
1. Say “Omggg he’s gotten so big!”, even though he probably looks the exact fkn same
Parents be SWEARIN’ that their kid is growing at the rate of bamboo when in reality it looks the exact fkn same. No parent would ever disagree about their child growing fast, so saying this is foolproof.
When They Constantly Tell Baby Stories That You Literally Don’t Care About
1. Regularly bounce between the phrases “omg stop”, and “did she really?!”
Baby stories always involve something that is seemingly shocking when in reality it’s pretty much mundane. Repeating these phrases over and over will keep the conversation going until hopefully the baby starts crying and needs immediate attention.
2. If they catch you losing interest, utter the phrase “honestly where does time go?!” and it should buy you a few hours
Can’t fault this one.
When They Ask You To Hold The Child
1. Tell them you’d LOVE to but you’re having body spasms
And you don’t want to wake the baby.
2. Don’t look it straight in the eyes. It knows all your secrets
Why do babies look at you like they’re staring deep into your soul? I swear babies honestly be tryna square up sometimes. Just keep your eyesight away from the face, and you’ll be sweet.
3. Keep your hands away from its nappy, unless you’re in the market for a new cologne
Unless you want to smoosh something that you definitely don’t want to, hold the baby out flat like a platter. We don’t want you to have a fit because of an unknown substance on your $800 Camilla dress.