A Definitive Ranking Of The Types Of Fuckbois From Least To Most Damaging
Ahhh, the fuckboi. We’ve all met one. We’ve all banged one.
Whether you’ve actively gotten into a ~friends with benefits~ situation or you were blindsided by someone who seemed like they were relationship material, there’s a whole bunch of different types of fuckbois lurking the city, the streets, your dating apps, your dreams and your nightmares.
Why do lads not speak to you for 6 months then reply to your selfie with “when you coming to see me then” never ya fanny
— han cuth (@hancuthbert_) October 18, 2018
Not all fuckbois were created equal. Some are far worse than others.
Here are the most common types of fuckbois, ranked from least to most damaging:
The wholesome fuckboi
The wholesome fuckboi is, you guessed it, a wholesome sweetheart who just wants to fuck. He might take you out for coffee or a drink first, and you’ll probably enjoy your time together but at the end of the day, we all know the endgame here. Deep down we know Mr. Wholesome is out there playing the same game with every other match.
What sets him apart from the others is that he’s still constantly sweet even if he is just after the V or D. As long as you don’t get your own feelings involved, then all is pretty swell. You can have nice, wholesome sex and carry on with your lives with some on-off Insta banter thrown in from time to time.
Damage rating: 1/10 (unless you catch feelings, then godspeed sis.)
The orbiting fuckboi
The orbiting fuckboi is that dude you saw a couple of times and things just died off, but there he is, watching your Insta stories, liking your posts. Orbiting around you.
It’s not generally enough to keep you invested and you probably don’t even think about him all that much — there’s just maybe a 90% chance if you’re both out and bored one night, one DM slide could make you orbit straight back into bed.
But that’s all very dependent on external factors, so for now, he’ll just continue to orbit.
Damage rating: 2/10
The zombie fuckboi
The zombie fuckboi is probably that friends with benefits you had once upon a time, who fell off the radar so much you low-key thought maybe he died or moved to Amsterdam or something. But all of a sudden he sends a “U up?” text at 11pm on a Saturday night, and you’re like “lol no I actually have yoga tomorrow at 8am and -”
Anyway. The dead may come back to life, but it doesn’t mean you gotta go back to his bed. If you didn’t mourn his loss the first time, it probably wasn’t all that worth it anyway.
Damage rating: 2/10
The flunkboi is someone who presents himself as a fuckboi but really isn’t cut out to be one. His banter game is off, he’s a bit shit in bed and he ends up catching feelings for anyone he dates, even if it’s multiple people at once.
Sure, he looks good with his shirt off, but he also still takes his laundry home to his mum. Dude, you’re nearly 30, get it together FFS.
Damage rating: 2.5/10
The drunk fuckboi
Literally the one you only hear from when he’s drunk. At the start it was probably like, hmmm oh yeah drunk fun, might meet up with Trav again, why not?! But at this stage, it’s borderline annoying. And there are no guarantees he won’t pass out before he opens the door to you.
Also if he’s too lazy to make his way to you anyway, cut it off, you’re better than that!
Damage rating: 3/10
The rebound fuckboi
It doesn’t matter if you’re rebounding or he’s rebounding, but either way, you know there’s only one certain thing that can come from this: sex. And the second thing that may come from this (apart from hopefully both of you) is the projection of emotional insecurities from the last breakup.
me after I get my heart broken by a boy who i knew was going to hurt me in the end but i got too emotionally invested anyway pic.twitter.com/6ioak9d9Wq
— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) January 26, 2017
There’s a reason the old saying goes “don’t date anyone seriously until you’ve learned to be alone again after a breakup”. I’m not sure who said this: if it was the great philosopher Beyoncé or if it was just me when I was drunk on the weekend, but I stand by it.
No good can ever come from falling for a rebound fuckboi. Which is why it may be more enticing to fall for him, because at the end of the day we’re all emotionally screwed. I don’t know who needs to hear this but SIS, YOU CAN’T FIX HIM. FUCK HIM AND MOVE ON.
Damage rating: 5/10
The emotionally attached fuckboi
Uh-oh. Ya fucked and now he won’t stop calling you. OK well more likely, sliding into your DMs. Chances are even if you liked the D and would go there again, he’s about to stuff it up by getting a little too full on. Sure breakfast the next day is one thing, but that accidental “run in” with his sister was weird. And it was on purpose.
When a guy likes you vs when you actually start liking him back pic.twitter.com/JOigTUBKcc
— Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes (@_Hate_Holly_) December 12, 2016
Your only way out of this is to be honest and tell him you’re not feeling that emotional connection. If he still doesn’t get it and keeps commenting heart-eye emojis on your Insta posts… I’m not saying to ghost, I’m just saying maybe delete all your social media for three months?
Damage rating: 6/10
The life-ruiner fuckboi
It’s happened to all of us. You think you’ve found someone on the same wavelength and things seem to be going really well. You’re compatible in every single way, and it’s CRAZY, but maybe, just maybe you’ll have the chat soon and make it Insta-official (even though he never puts up stories of you) and maybe start looking at dogs you can co-parent and…
Oh, but what’s that? Your friend spotted him with SOMEONE ELSE?
"I'm not looking for a relationship, but let's do everything that a relationship consists of as I continue calling you my friend." pic.twitter.com/SR5Fe1EGV4
— arty boy (@Ian323) October 13, 2016
So even after all the sweet nothings he once murmured in your ear, the time he mentioned you should meet his parents, the weekend away you spent together in the mountains — he then turns around and says “this was never that serious, I’m not sure why you’re so mad?”
He’s gaslighting you, hon. Get out. Nurse that broken heart and as Tyra Banks once screamed, “LEARN FROM THIS.”
Damage rating: 8.5/10
The softboi is the most damaging of them all because it’s nice guy syndrome personified. He’ll seem everything and more and totally just get you in a way you’ve never felt. He’ll have an emotional maturity that has never been seen before in a man you’ve met!
His sensitivity, his caring nature, the way he held your hand when you crossed the road on your third date… everything seemed to be going in the right direction.
But then you fuck, and he disappears. All of a sudden he can’t commit due to other factors he never once mentioned previously… even after sending you late-night texts saying he thought you were the one. He got what he wanted, and then has the nerve to pretend to be shocked when anger is expressed because “I’m such a nice guy??? I’d never treat someone badly???”
The thing about a standard fuckboi is you at least know their intentions (for the most part). The softboi plays the game long enough to then try and walk away unscathed or deem the other person as “crazy.” And that’s what makes him the most dangerous of them all.
Damage rating: 10/10