Game Of Thrones Recap: The Battle Of Winterhell

Say a prayer and hold your loved ones close, ‘cos Game of Thrones is killing off your faves left, right and centre.

While last week’s ep gave us all the warm-and-fuzzies, this week’s instalment was just 90 minutes of brutal battle scenes. I hope ya’ll like stabbing and screaming. It was an incredibly dark episode and I mean that figuratively and literally. At times I couldn’t see anything.

This was literally me the entire ep, so my breakdown of the events is going to be a bit hazy.

Let’s get into the episode!

It’s no surprise that the Battle of Winterfell was incredibly grim. We open with everyone prepping for the undead army to arrive any second. With Dothraki on the frontline, one minute they charge towards the white walkers, the next they are running for their lives. I think Grey Worm is still alive? But for the life of me, I cannot see anything.

I JUST CAN’T SEE A GODDAMN THING.

Things aren’t much clearer between Dany and Jon. Ever since he told her he was the heir to the iron throne, the flirty vibe has shifted between the two lovers/family members.

The army is being pummelled by the white walkers beneath them, but luckily Jon has a good grasp of what’s going on.

Most importantly, Melisandre (aka the Red Witch) is back and she literally brought the fire. Using one of her magic tricks (conjured from seducing old men or burning children, perhaps?) she says a spell and suddenly the castle is protected by a wall of fire.

THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE.

I’m eternally grateful for Melisandre coming along to try and brighten up this episode. But alas as Jaime, Brienne, Pod, Tormund, Genry and The Hound battle on, again, it’s too dark to follow what is going down.

I can’t even tell who is dead or alive or zombified.

While all this is happening on the ground, Dany and Jon are driving their dragons above. They quickly lose their direction, and instead of helping those dying beneath them, they continue flying about just for funsies.

Now I’m no expert on military tactics but I don’t think the north is winning this war. Signs are just not great.

Despite the Red Witch blazing it up, the white walkers break through the flames and into the castle. Arya is kicking ass so hard and we bow down. It’s a different story for Lady Mormont, who is struggling because, well… she’s an actual child who should be safe at home watching Peppa Pig.

She comes face-to-face with a giant and gets squished in his grasp.

I actually thought he was going to eat her (the tiny innocent child) and was starting to create a Change.org petition to say this show has gone one step too far.

Thankfully just before she dies, she stabs him in the eye which obviously puts the giant off its dinner.

As Dany and Jon find their way back to the castle after their joyride through the clouds, Dany stares down the Night King before Drogon burns him with its fiery breathe. But SURPRISE BITCH… he does not die.

In return Jon chases him! I don’t know why! This angers the Night King and he raises the undead across Winterfell, increasing his own army numbers and leaving the north royally fucked.

Thanks Jon!

Drogon is swarmed by white walkers and drops Dany before fleeing. With Jorah attempting to protect Dany, he gets stabbed a bunch of times and JORAH DIES DEAD. Thanks again, Jon!

Poor Dany loses her backup plan. R.I.P to another (grey)stone cold thottie.

As all the crypts become filled with white walkers rising from their graves, Jon continues to exist and not help anyone.

Here he is battling the ice dragon:

With Jon failing to reach Bran, there’s only Theon left who can save him. But ‘cos it’s Bran we’re dealing with, it doesn’t go well. The young Stark decides it’s a good time to warg away into errr…a group of ravens. Cool. Great. Wonderful.

Theon does not need this shit! He once fingered his sister accidentally! He’s been through enough!

Tbh Theon being stuck with Bran all night is more torturous than anything Ramsay ever did to him. Then just when we thought things couldn’t get worse for Theon, the Night King rolls in with his crew.

This leads to the single most devastating scene in the history of Game of Thrones...for me, personally. Theon is killed by the Night King. THEON!?!?! Why did they trick us into becoming invested in a Sansa/Theon love story? Why did we become so affected by Theon’s happiness? Why did this show forsake us?

I NEED ANSWERS!!!!!

Even before the tears falling down my cheek have dried, the Night King approaches, looking like he’s about to kill Bran (someone? anyone? pls?). Suddenly Arya appears out of nowhere and stabs him, smashing him into pieces.

REENACTMENT: Arya was this cat and the Night King was this unsuspecting baby just living its best life.

THE REAL THING: It was… iconic.

As all the white walkers and the ice dragon smash to pieces in front of Jon, he seems pretty pleased with himself.

No Jon, you just got in everybody’s way, helped raise the dead and left Sam crying in the foetal position.

It must be said that during all these hectic battle scenes, Bran is just chilling next to his favourite tree acting thoroughly not fussed.

The ep ends with Melisandre removing her ‘thottie’ necklace and withering away and dying. Note that at the beginning of the ep she told Davos “I will be dead before the dawn,” and the bitch pulled through.

Her exit from the series was quick but she made it count:

Coincidentally this is exactly how I feel after watching that devastating battle. Now I need a nice cup of tea and to go spoon my cat until next week’s ep.