Game Of Thrones Recap: Come On, Baby, Light My Dracarys

It’s another week in Westeros and if you thought the last episode marked the end of all your faves dying, you were mistaken! Haha! I love this show!

ICYMI: Here’s a summary of last week!

All caught up? Terrific!

Okay let’s get into this week’s episode!

We open to a dead Jorah and Dany crying. Jeez get over it, that was an entire episode ago. All of the survivors line the gates of Winterfell, with the bodies of the casualties from the war in piles.

My sweet baby Theon lies there like an angel! I can’t! Sansa places a wolf pin on his lapel which means he dies as a Stark and yeah, I’m not doing okay.

IT HURTS SO MUCH SOMEONE SEDATE ME!!

As corpses burn around them, including the tiny body of Lyanna Mormont, Jon decides it’s time to give a speech about death and the living owing their lives to the fallen. It’s all rather grim.

Thanks Jon!

After the mass funeral there’s a pretty banging after party. I guess this is how they grieve up north?! At dinner, everyone gets maggoted. Tormund starts a chugging competition with…no one, really.

Meanwhile the Night King is down in hell just living his best life! Have a cocktail for me NK!

Above with the living, Gendry is looking for Arya, I guess ‘cos they did fuck that one time before she saved all of humanity.

Suddenly, in front of everyone Dany calls Gendry out, says he’s Robert Baratheon’s son and kind of threatens to murder him, which is not the best thing to loudly announce as Winterfell mourn their loved ones.

Thankfully, she changed course and they all cheers to his latest achievements.

The evening continues to get loose. Dany notices that it’s very much a ‘boys club’ with the whole group fawning over Jon. Dany feels left out.

Up the other end of the table, Sansa is watching the dragon queen’s every move. Damn gurl. Chill.

Sansa sees Tyrion having a lol with Dany and she ain’t having it. She gives filthy looks to him and it burns.

HOW DARE YOU (THE HAND OF THE QUEEN) SPEAK TO OUR FRENEMY?! Tyrion is blocked.

Over on Jaime and Brienne’s table it is getting all kinds of flirty. They play a medieval version of ‘Never Have I Ever’. Tyrion asks if Brienne is a virgin which prompts her to storm off. Jaime follows.

Things escalate from there. Jaime takes his top off! Brienne helps! He starts undressing her! OH MY GOD. THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING! “I’ve never slept with a knight before,” Jaime tells her and it’s hot.

Then they kiss and look, it’s a bit of a mess…

They kind of grab each other’s faces and smoosh their noses into one another. Is this what kissing is? (I’ve never tried it myself.)

Gendry finally finds Arya and while she is busy shooting arrows into a wall she imagines is Cersei’s face, he thinks it’s the right time for a grand romantic gesture.

They kiss then he proposes to her. Just as all our dreams are coming true she serves him with a big ol’ custard pie to his face.

At the end of the night Dany goes to Jon and they get into a big argument, like most drunk couples do, ya know. She forbids him from telling anyone that he is her nephew and the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. He doesn’t seem keen.

In a meeting they discuss plans for Cersei. Dany wants to bring her armies over to King’s Landing straight away despite them being injured and tired.

Tbh, this is exactly what Cersei wants.

Sansa suggests they give them a rest and let the army recover from the war that was… like yesterday.

The meeting ends with Dany telling them all the shut their traps ‘cos the queen is talking and they agree to take the war to Cersei immediately.

As the meeting concludes, Sansa and Arya say they want to talk to Jon about his girlfriend. They all gather around Bran’s favourite tree to discuss.

Bran is about as helpful as ever.

In the end, Jon goes ahead and lets Bran tell them about his royal bloodline but makes them all pledge to tell no one. Lol. Good one.

I did a DNA test and it turns out Sansa is 100% that bitch.

After Sansa tells Tyrion he then alerts Varys so the whole crew knows everything. Considering these people don’t have FB or smartphones, they spread info incredibly efficiently.

With Jon getting ready to head off, he catches up with Sam and Gilly, who tell him that they are expecting a baby.

The Hound and Arya head off to King’s Landing. Our favourite travelling team are back together! I hope no one gets their face stolen or ends up on the wrong Contiki tour!

Dany’s fleet head off but quickly the Golden Company surround them. Euron breaks all of our hearts by killing Dany’s second fave dragon Rhaegal.

Euron then aims fire at the ship that Tyrion, Grey Worm and Missandei are on and the boat is blown to bits.

Tyrion’s reaction is painfully relatable:

Give me a couple of fruity wines and I’m the queen of bad decisions.

Jaime finds out what happened and leaves Brienne alone in bed during the night to go to King’s Landing. She catches up with him and begs him not to go but he chooses Cersei over her. Brienne cries.

Jaime is cancelled and we will get our revenge.

HOW DARE YOU JAIME, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU?!!

I am more than ready for Tormund to come in to get his gurl. Unleash the dragon.

As the survivors from Euron’s attack crawl up the beach, Grey Worm notices Missandei is missing and it turns out Cersei has her captive. With the North regrouping, Dany is bloody furious and wants to charge back in but Varys and Tyrion warn against destroying the city and killing innocent people.

I don’t think Dany gives a fuck.

She decides to reach out to Cersei to ask her to surrender first so Dany doesn’t look merciless. Dany warns that if the queen doesn’t relinquish the Iron Throne then she will burn King’s Landing to the ground… which is exactly what is about to happen because Cersei orders for Missandei to be beheaded.

This all goes down in front of Grey Worm’s eyes. I have never felt pain like this before.

I honestly can’t take much more of this. Just when we learnt that good boi Ghost was still alive, the punches keep coming.

With Dany watching her BFF getting murdered in front of her face, she sees red and I wouldn’t be surprised if she decides to scorch the entire earth next week.

I’m actually scared. Cersei better watch her back.

Now I’m just going to go have a nice bath in my own tears.