Game Of Thrones Recap: Jon Rides A Dragon & Cersei Bangs A Greyjoy

Dada dum dum dada dum dum dada dum dum dada dum dum dadadaaaaaaaa. 

We’re back, fam!!! It’s only been one year and seven months, but WHO is counting?!

First things first, the start is different! The graphics have changed heaps but I guess that happens when you have almost two years of sitting around twiddling your thumbs while counting your millions.

Let’s get into the action!

We open with Dany and Jon leading their massive army into Winterfell, and the villagers are giving them all kinds of dirty side-eye. But they give no fucks. What a power couple.

Arya stands in the crowd but Jon blanks her. Rude! Not everyone celebrates the arrival, with many angry with Jon for just low-key choosing Dany to be their new queen, despite her never being elected or being from the North.

Oh well. Tyrion argues on Jon and Dany’s behalf which can be summarised as ‘BITCH WE GOT DRAGONS NOW,’ but he also still thinks Cersei is going to play ball and join them in their fight against the undead army. LOL.

Just in case you were wondering, Bran is still being weird as shit, which is very much on brand. Brand/Bran.. get it?

Following his homecoming, Jon greets his younger bro for the first time. The lights are on but nobody’s home.

It doesn’t go much better with Jon’s new bae Dany.

The dude really needs to get over this all-seeing, all-knowing business, it’s a bit of a downer.

Jon and Arya reunite and it’s cute and wholesome. Jon reckons Sansa doesn’t like his new girlfriend Dany. Arya takes Sansa’s side, saying that Jon should be looking after family first.

I’m not sure where he’s getting this from, all signs point to Sansa and Dany becoming the best of friends.

Oh well, Jon DGAF ‘cos he’s deep in love with the mother of dragons. He is LIVING.

The two even go on a dragon date together, riding their dragons to a waterfall. Dany shows Jon a… whole new world. Jon’s dragon skills are a bit shit.

He is fucking terrified. Jon holding onto a dragon and screaming is basically me holding on to my youth by downloading TikTok.

After their date-gon, Jon jokes “You’ve completely ruined horses for me.” I’m glad we can all laugh about nearly falling to our deaths inside a frozen vortex.

At long last we get to the moment we came for. THEY KISS. It’s hot. It’s passionate.

Drogon becomes a clingy third wheel which is far too relatable for me.

Like maybe look somewhere else my large lizard friend, I’m starting to get uncomfortable.

I get that some will hypothesise that the reason Drogon stared was because the dragon knows Dany is actually Jon’s auntie but I think he’s just lonely. Same.

Down south Cersei is alerted that the walking dead have broken through the wall. “Good,” she replies, like the bad bitch she is.

The least thottie Greyjoy, err Euron is his name I think, is still trying it on with Cersei.

Since she dumped her lover/brother, her options aren’t great. But still, she totally friend-zones him. It. Is. Savage.

Deaaaaad. ‘You are a true friend’ should be written on Euron’s tombstone.

I was rooting for Cersei until NEK MINUTE…she goes ahead and bangs that gross creep.

I guess a woman has needs! After their sex-having he goes on to say some creepy-as-hell things to her, proudly declaring “I’m going to put a prince in your belly”.

No thnx. How about I put poison in your next glass of wine?

Anyways, jokes on him. Cersei is already pregnant with what we can assume is her brother’s child.

In true Cersei style, she tells Greyjoy to hit it and quit it, ordering him off the premises. Over with the more attractive Greyjoys, Theon proves he’s not complete trash by saving Yara. She thanks him with a head butt. Families are weird.

More important than anything else GENDRY & ARYA reunite. It’s soo cute and seeing Arya smile is legit the most heartwarming thing ever.

It’s like that scene in Twilight where Edward and Bella see each other across their science class. They don’t say a word but it’s all about that eye contact.

Only difference is that Arya doesn’t look like she’s about to vomit into her backpack.

Gendry agrees to make Arya a weapon. “IT’S JUST LIKE OLD TIMES,” I screamed at my laptop, weeping. My cat sits besides me, judging me.

Over with the other Starks, Jon and Sansa argue, it’s basically this:

Sansa: “You betrayed our family and installed a foreign ruler.”

Jon: “Ummmm, I’M SORRY but she is super hot and let me ride a dragon!!!”

In the most awkward moment of the whole episode, Sam and Dany meet and while Dany was just wanting to thank Sam for saving Jorah’s life we learn a few things.

There were mistakes made on both sides. Let’s not split hairs.

Dany doesn’t really know how to handle Sam as he starts to cry. It’s extremely awkward to watch.

After this revelation Sam is understandably a bit miffed, so tells Jon about his actual mum and dad –  Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen – which makes him the rightful heir to the Iron Throne.

Jon takes the news well.

Tbh Jon gives no fucks and wants to stay loyal to his new dragon bae. Unable to see reason, Sam finishes with one helluva mic drop on Jon, asking him “You gave up your crown to save our people, would she do the same?” I LIVE for sassy Sam.

READ HER SIS!!

Over near the wall which got a good knocking down by an undead dragon, Tormund and Beric are exploring the abandoned Castle Umber and discover the army of the dead have left them a little message in the form of a screaming, impaled child (more specifically Ned Umber).

They burn him and this about sums it up:

And yeah, that keeps going for a while…

Too much yelling for my liking. The Night King needs to work on his PR.

Finally Jaime arrives at Winterfell and immediately regrets breaking up with his sister/lover.

That kid he pushed out a window in the very first episode is STILL ALIVE and he looks pissed.

Jaime doesn’t even know how weird this kid has gotten. Hoeeeeeeeeeee boy.

Next week Bran will hopefully say some new words and Gendry will give Arya a piggyback ride through the forest before a wholesome game of baseball.