GAME OF THRONES RECAP: Season 7, Episode 1, ‘Dragonstone’
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Welcome back! Winter is finally here. We brace for bloodshed because nothing in Westeros, Essos, and Sothoryos is sacred. Anything could happen.
Dany looks set to return and we’ve all been foaming from the mouth over those ads showing Drogon the Dragon looking like he’s spent the past 18 months on a Russian athlete’s steroid program
Walder Frey kicks things off, welcoming us back to the fray (terrible puns, you know you love them). He’s hosting a big feast for his sons and grandsons. But hey now there, didn’t he die by the hand of Arya Stark last season?
Yessum, yeah he did. But how is he back? Arya’s using his face. Of course. Neato. She poisons all his male heirs, reveals her new Professor Snape-esque hair-do, and calmly walks out. She’s part terrifying face-shifting murderer, part Steve Buscemi from Reservoir Dogs.
It’s so damn badass, I feel like this GoT moment has changed me as a person forever.
After we witness a heart-warming massacre, we see white walkers are prowling the lands, covered in thick mist and with disgusting giantoid companions. Kind of like when Fremantle were half decent and Nat Fyfe had Sandilands at his shoulder.
Bran’s back, warging like a pinger on his 3rd white heart for the night. The actor isn’t aging well (seriously google the guy, he looks like a weenus), and he’s developed a Beatles style lilt to his accent. I know we’ve all dreamed of having Ringo Starr walk us through the end of the world.
Further South, Jon Snow is still hosting his northern nobles, talking through issues Oprah style. He’s a man of the people after all.
Old man Manderlay tries to ark up, only to be verbally bitchslapped down by the Lady Mormont, the boss AF young girl from Bear Island. She’s got him on a string these days, he might as well keep a gimp mask in his back pocket.
Sansa’s a bit snippy, Jon doesn’t appreciate it. Not a good look for unity’s sake. Little Finger tries to manipulate it, everyone in the house goes ‘OOOOOOOOOOOO’ at their altercation, and someone at the back goes, ‘Oh no she didn’t!’.
Ed Sheeran is then in a scene for no reason, and we all were suitably disgusted. Ed Sheeran is for 10 year olds, and if you allow your 10 year old to watch Game of Thrones, please seriously reconsider your life choices. He didn’t even have the good grace to die brutally. Not yet anyhow. Hope springs eternal.
Next up Cersei is walking all over some poor guy’s painting while her and Jamie have a pointless conversation that literally adds nothing to the proceedings. These two are less interested in nobbing these days than they used to be, as all aging viewers can appreciate.
Euron Greyjoy fronts up, makes a few decent jokes, proposes to Cersei then bails to pick her up a gift. Growing up, a bottle of Passion Pop would do, but these fancy kids from Westeros are all about the flashy things. He’s off to fetch a ‘priceless gift’. Guess we’ll see him soon.
Sam’s living the high life in Oldtown, cleaning up the Maester’s bodily functions and dishing out slop for them. The true circle of life. He’s all about getting behind some gate to read the good books, but they’re locked up tighter than the XXX section of my local childhood video store.
Maybe when you’re older Sammy, maybe when you’re older. This guy, what a dick.
Sam swipes some of the forbidden books, and learns where babies come from as a result.
We finish with Dany arriving back in Westeros… finally. She fronts up at Dragonstone, the old stronghold of Stannis Baratheon (lol remember him? Me neither).
She touches the sand and looks all mystified, a 90s Qantas commercial is at risk of breaking out at any second.
Dragonstone is supposed to be pretty grim in the books, all sea spray, cold and shite. But the show does a good job of dressing it up, noble castle, old banners still hanging and impressive war room.
It’s a bit like hearing how terrible Bali is, full of broke bogan miners from WA, then actually going and realising it’s quite a nice beach resort and you’re just a bitter fatty from Melbourne (guilty).
Maybe it’s like all beach towns, nice to visit, terrible to live in. Dany seems to come to the same conclusion, her final words indicating she’s heading over to Westeros in the coming weeks.
It’s happening and I’m assuming Dany is blaring ‘It’s Time’ by Imagine Dragons as her and Tyrion plot their next move.
Also featured this episode:
– Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane calling lots of people ‘c**t’.
– Gilly’s son looks a little older (bless)
– The Night King finds happiness (and himself) coaching a little league American baseball team.
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