GAME OF THRONES RECAP: Good Sex (Finally), Hot Pies & Death At Sea
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We open up the latest ep back in Dragonstone. Ol’ D-Stonez is the English coast of Westerosi holiday destinations. Boasting stirring scenery and serene beaches but in actuality it’s just rainy, cold and thoroughly shit.
Dany certainly thinks so. She’s like a fussy toddler stuck in a long car trip. She. Wants. Out.
All of her advisers are giving her little titbits and fussing over tactics, Tyrion giving the big unveil that her Unsullied will attack Lannisport while Yara’s fleet will ferry the Dornish troops to besiege Kings Landing. Very swish.
Westeros’ sharpest old battle axe, Olena Tyrell, tells Dany to beware of ‘clever men’ like Tyrion, which to me oddly mirror’s Trump telling supporters not to trust all reputable media.
That being said, she is very old, and being very old in this series is a difficult thing and suggests a good working knowledge of how the world operates. Dany seems to take her advice on board.
Red Priestess Meliandre resurfaces here as well, telling Dany to reach out to Jon Snow, whose top bloke-edness is renowned through all the land.
The pigeons of Westeros’ are lightning quick and in the next scene, Snow is already mulling this over. Dany’s invited him down south to meet her, and bend the knee.
He better not mess with the Mother of Dragons, if he wants to avoid being dead real quick.
He’s read the brochures for Dragonstone and is already half-packed before literally everyone else tells him it’s a poor idea. But sod ‘em all, he’s off anyway, leaving Sansa in charge in his absence, which she’s lovin’ sick. Big middle finger to all who voted him. Sansa is kween. Huzzah!
Before he goes, he visits his father’s tomb. Littlefinger is also there, and tries to weasel, grovel and play to Jon’s non-existent desire for power. He then mentions how he loved Caitlyn and now loves Sansa just the same.
Now when making friends, especially with someone who you don’t think is so crash hot on you, telling them how you want to crack onto their sister and dead step-mum isn’t the quickest way to their heart. Jon gives him a little belting and goes on his merry way.
Interesting side note, Jon, Ned Stark and Ned’s long dead brother Rickard have all now belted Littlefinger through the ages. A pleasure we all wish to know.
We’re back in Kingslanding.
Randall Tarly, Sam’s battle-gnarled father, is in town trading stern phrases with Cersei and Jamie Lannister. He’s undecided about who to side with, Dany or the Lannisters. It’ll be a choice of a lesser evil for the old man and he heads home to think it over.
Cersei’s also got a solution to the dragons too, in the form of big old crossbows. Jamie doesn’t seem too keen but will probz go along with whatever his sister-girlfriend will do.
Qyburn thought of the idea of fighting dragons with crossbows, and seems genuinely impressed with himself for coming up with the most obvious answer at hand. Seriously dude, you can re-animate corpses, discovering big crossbows is really lame in comparison. Have a sense of perspective.
Greyworm is off to capture Casterly Rock with the rest of the Unsullied, and is farewelled by Missandei. She wants a full run down of his feelings about her, and although starting off as eloquent as a drunk Forrest Gump, he brings it together at the end sufficiently, culminating in both undressing and jumping into bed.
We’re spared the details in a way the earlier seasons wouldn’t have shied away from, and it’s a nice change. Making it the sexiest sex scene this show has ever done.
Down in Oldtown, Sam Tarly reckons he can cure Jorah’s greyscale. His teaching maester tells him he can’t, and it’s forbidden, but Sam’s a bad boy at heart. He’s stolen his dad’s sword, he’s got a secret girlfriend in town, he steals the books behind the bars and he stabs up Nightwalkers.
Give the guy a leather jacket and a soft packet of Styvo’s and he’s basically James Dean.
The procedure is highly medical and involved Sam literally just cutting the scales off. Why we’re readily shown Jorah in agony having his flesh removed, but denied the knowledge of Greyworm’s oral sex technique will go down as a damn crime.
We’re now treated to two lovely but forgettable blasts from the past. It’s like a Neighbours reunion ep, except there’s less blood-shed in Game of Thrones. Not only does Ayra bump into Hot Pie, the pie-loving kid she used to travel with, but in the next scene, she also stumbles upon her old direwolf, Nymeria. Awwww.
Excuse me, there’s most definitely something in my eye.
Final scene – and it’s the best yet for the new season.
Those awful Sand Viper girls and their mother are aboard Yara’s fleet, heading to Dorn to collect the Dornish army, which will then be shipped back to besiege Kings Landing.
Yara and old mother Ellaria (Sand Viper matriarch) are getting frisky below deck, making Theon uncomfortable by basically grinding each other in front of him. You don’t need to be a prude to not want to see your sister bumping uglies, and poor Theon has been through enough.
With a crash and a wallop, the canoodling ends, and Yara runs above deck to find her fleet under attack. Ominously, a series of large ships with the Kracken sigil reveal that her uncle Euron, and the Iron Fleet, have come to pay a visit.
Euron mentioned to Cersei that he was going to bring her a fairly impressive gift. Seems it’s Ellaria.
Finally, Euron battles Yara but quickly gets her in a choke hold and has a knife to her throat. Theon is there and Euron tries to goad him into defending his sister. Theon doesn’t have it in him, he throws down his arms and jumps overboard. It’s the ultimate betrayal but damn, it was funny to watch.
Goodbye Theon. Hello Reek.
Recap by William Henderson