We’ve Ranked The Stores With The Hottest Employees
Have you ever walked into a clothing store, and left feeling… thirsty?
Not Ribena type thirst, oh-no. We mean THURSTEHHH.
In other words, the moment when the Chace-Crawford-Sales-Assistant-Look-A-Like, walked straight up to you and asked your basic ass how your day was going?
Because of this, there are certain stores we definitely try to avoid, unless we’ve got our spanks on. Cos let’s be real, nothing is more embarrassing than when Supermodel Sabrina from Platypus asks you what size Vans you want, and you end up leaving with some ridiculous size that clearly isn’t yours, all because you didn’t want her to judge your big-old clown-feet (it’s happened).
As a guide, we’ve put together a ranking of the Aussie stores with the hottest employees, that are sure to have you leaving weak at the knees, and probably with bags of stuff you didn’t even actually need.
#15. General Pants
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We all, and I mean all of us, have fallen victim to a killer General Pants hottie. It’s not just their amazing hair and killer smile, but they’re all so goddam friendly.
They ask you how your day is going, take interest in your life, and next thing you know it you’re buying a $250 Arvust Jacket because they told you that you looked ‘lit af’ in it.
Just get in my (general) pants.
#14. Universal Store
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There’s just something about a guy with a bum bag and a cartilage piercing that’s so… invigorating.
If you’re into that edgy/grungy/bad-bitch look then Universal store is your new Tinder marketplace.
The way they rock half-fringes, leg tattoos and silver hair, makes you re-think how much of a basic bitch you really are. So put down your boring Banana Buzz from Boost and take note, because if Becky tells you that cord pants are in, then they’re in.
#13. Kookai
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If Gigi & Bella worked in retail, they’d work at Kookai.
Kookai is pretty much a human version of an Instagram feed: exceptionally hot girls with suspiciously white teeth in your face 24/7. Honestly, how do these girls look so damn perfect all day long? I can’t even look like that with a glam squad and 8 hours to spare.
Nah fam. I’ll just stick to Best & Less.
#12. Industrie
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You ever just want a guy that your parents approve of? Someone presentable, well-mannered, killer smile and perfect hair?
At this point of my life, I walk into Industrie at least once a month to pick out clothes for my 4 brothers, just so I have an excuse to look at Damien while he suggests amazing outfits.
UGH, why can’t these denim-jacket hotties just ask me out already? I don’t even have brothers.
#11. Bunnings
You ever make sure you get a little extra dressed up before you step into Bunnings? Picturing those Zaddys handling their meat at the sausage sizzle has me quaking.
You can’t deny that you love a good ex-tradie dressed in an apron. I’ll take their hands-on approach any day of the week.
The way that the guys speak so passionately about gutters and grouting fixtures is enough to have me asking what kind of tile he would want in our house once we get married and die together.
Too much?
#10. Hype DC
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I refuse to let the hotties at Hype see my crusty ass toes. I’m going full-on pedicure with exfoliation so I can use my ankles to convince Julian to love me.
Those hypebeast Gods are the reason I have a giant sneaker collection that I don’t even want. They use that irresistible charm to convince me that the New Air Force Ones are the it shoe of March, and then two weeks later, they got me hooked that the 97’s are what’s hot right now?
You know what’s hot right now? You are, Julian.
#9. Supre
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Supre is a fancy word for ‘sexy’ in French. AKA those sexy guys and girls behind the counter wearing short shorts, please stop before I palpitate.
Ever wonder why you ended up with a mullet skirt in your wardrobe and thought it was a good idea? It’s because the sales assistant looked fkn BOMB AF in it while she danced around the shop floor to the latest Ministry of Sound album.
But let’s just be honest, those girls look good in everything, so stop making me buy tees that say ‘YOLO’ or ‘Santa’s Little Helper’, because they literally look good on no one, except you.
#8. Adidas
Let’s be real, we all know that you can buy Stan Smiths for literally a quarter of the price on ASOS. Yet for some reason, my ass keeps dragging itself into the Adidas store? Maybe it’s because I like trying on the sizes IRL? Or maybe it’s the quality customer service?
UGH, I can’t keep lying to myself, we all know it’s so I can gawk over the Adidas sales assistants for as long as the centre security will allow me.
They’ve got this swag that’s not too gym-junkie and not too indie-weirdo. They’re just a perfect point in the middle, and that’s where I want to be. IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM.
#7. ZARA
Via Inditex
Being served at Zara is like being around your high school crush. They all walk around looking perfect, completely ignoring you, until you find the courage to finally talk to someone but you blurt out something so embarrassing that you just want to die on the spot right by the kids’ section.
Also, why is everyone in Zara is either exotically tanned, has some sexy accent, or doesn’t speak English at all? They are one hot orgy of a youth hostel in the middle of Spain. TAKE MY MONEY. WHATEVER CURRENCY YOU WANT.
#6. Guzman Y Gomez
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Trust us with this one. Just because they can’t get glammed up at work doesn’t mean they’re not hiding some glow up behind that apron.
If you walk into Guzman Y Gomez, you are sure to find some tanned hottie asking you if you want to add guac for $1. That sexy South American accent combined with them asking you how spicy you can take it is enough to have you orgasm right by the coriander station.
Ya’ll are too hungry to realise you’re sleeping on some of their staff. We guarantee if you peer out back, you’ll see some Penelope Cruz/Ricky Martin look-a-like just waiting to marry you and settle down somewhere in the country side.
#5. Oscar Wylee
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I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fake my eye test, just so I could spend more time with the sales assistants at Oscar Wylee.
WHO ELSE can pull off pear-shaped clear-white glasses, and still looks like an angel sent from the Omniverse? Those hypebeast LG’s really got me feeling some type of way.
They’re minimalistic style mixed with their somehow PERFECT skin will make you feel self-conscious AF when their staring at your ugly face, trying to frame your eyes. Please step away, my body is quaking.
#4. Glassons
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Why am I constantly going into Glassons and buying mustard crop tops that make me look like a Simpson? Let me tell you something, you might think the truck driver hat is cute for three seconds, but please hold on to your receipt.
The Glassons staff literally all look like they’ve got 200k followers and a HiSmile brand deal. The way they flail their off-the-shoulder leather jackets and denim skirts really makes you feel 80% worse about yourself.
I swear every time I go into Glassons, I leave with a bunch of clothes that I secretly saw Lydia rocking on her shift last week.
#3. Rebel Sport
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We’ve spent many a day by the shinpad section pretending to look confused, just so Alex from Rebel would come up to us dressed in his black polo and Puma trainers to ask us if we needed help.
The staff at Rebel all have the leg muscles to save a village. Everything about them makes you want to rip off their uniform and reveal the swimmer abs that they’re hiding. The way they speak about balls…. We’ll stop there.
#2. Mecca
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I’ve never run so fast in my life than when I was trying to grab my Mario Badescu drying lotion while trying to hide my acne from the girls at Mecca.
Do those girls even know what a pimple is? And how are their eyebrows so perfect? I have so many questions.
To top it off, they’re all so goddam friendly it makes me mad. You can’t have both brains and beauty?! It’s unfair! You only get one! Now give me your entire skin care routine Maree because I’ll be buying each and every product.
#1. JB Hi-Fi
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Have you seen that meme about what girls mean when they say that want a nerdy/geeky guy?
When girls say they like nerds, they really just mean they like hot guys in glasses. pic.twitter.com/EVB7ktIsLG
— Veronica 💁🏻 (@VeronicaRuckh) September 26, 2016
They usually involve some tall handsome guy with a sleeve tatt who just so happens to be wearing Bailey Nelson nerd glasses and know everything about the new Dell 3.3 Core 1 processor. AKA, The JB hi-fi staff.
They’re all so friendly and somehow, they’re tech whores. The way they talk about data processing technology really gets my hard drive running.