A Guide To Staying In On NYE When You’re An Anti-Social Lazy Binch

It’s no secret that going out on New Year’s Eve is the worst. Between the crowds, the inflated club costs and the unrealistic expectations, it’s rare the night turns out anything better than meh.

So I’m making my new year’s resolution to not try to conform to what people suggest is fun and choose my own fun. This usually means not leaving the house or interacting with anyone else, except for my cats.

So say goodbye to the guilt you feel for bailing on plans and choosing to stay in. You have my permission to do what you want. As the famous 21st century philosophers, the Spice Girls once said:

“I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah.”

So, there you go. You heard them. If that wasn’t clear enough, here’s our guide to staying in on NYE!

Step 1: Turn Your Phone Off

No good will come from checking your mob tonight. You can read the drunk texts from your ex and messy declarations of love from your besties tomorrow.

Step 2: Order So Much Food You’ll Be Able To Survive Until 2020

The only good thing about NYE is eating drunk food. So tonight is not the time to worry about fad diets. Order all the food you can afford and feast, feast, feast!

Step 3: Drink Some Wine Or Your Fave Cocktail

Remembering buying such a thing at a godawful NYE party would cost triple the price and contain only half the alcohol.

Step 4: Call Your Mum

She raised you and brought you into this world, so the least you could do is call her and thank her. She will appreciate it much more than the effort it takes to dial a damn eight-digit number.

Step 5: Do Something Stupid

You have all next year to think about your responsibilities/career and all that nonsense. Tonight is the night to just be hang loose, so dye your hair blue or buy a jellyfish mood lamp online.

Step 6: TREAT YO’ SELF

Tonight is the night to embrace being lazy and just do what feels right. It’s all about self-care so buy a yummy-smelling Lush face mask or take a long bubble bath.

Step 7: Watch A Movie Or TV Series That Brings You Joy

Switch your brain off and watch something you know and love. Whether this means screening 10 Things I Hate About You for the 20th time or binging nonstop Gossip Girl, just do you, baby.

Step 8: Go To Sleep Ridiculously Early

Just think, while you’re wrapped up in a doona about to wake up hangover free, your friends are making bad decisions and vomiting into their handbags.

Tomorrow’s a brand new year and we can act like 2020 never happened. What speeding fine? Nope. Messy breakup? That didn’t happen. Prison?! Lol. That was all just a dream.

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This article has been updated since it was originally published.