The Best ‘He’s Not Your Man’ Tweets For All Your Monday Meme Needs

As we all know by now, the internet is a weird and wonderful place. Did you know, approximately four new memes are born every minute?

I don’t blame you if you didn’t know that, because I just made it up.

But just in time for America’s holiday season of giving thanks and because us Aussies like feeling included, a new tweet form has taken off revolving around men and dating.

The premise is pretty simple: The tweet starts with “Ladies, if he” then lists a bunch of traits that start as red flags and just get progressively weirder.

We’ve rounded up some of the best ones for your reading pleasure.

Ladies, if he:

– ignores text messages
– doesn't like your tweets
– eats like trash
– regularly goes out all night
– is usually found in wooded areas in North America

He's not your man. He's a raccoon.

— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) November 24, 2018

Ladies, if he:

– ignores your texts
– doesn't watch your stories
– has a weird fascination with 19th century writer and poet Edgar Allan Poe
– regularly steals buttons and other shiny things
– has black, beautiful feathers

He's not your man. He's a crow.

— Three Crows Magazine – Ra (@MagazineCrows) November 24, 2018

Ladies, if he:
– is super skinny
– is obsessed with jewelry
– only wants to go out at night
– is always talking to himself
– murdered his cousin over something little

He's not your man. He's a Gollum.

— 🌲 Tea with Tolkien (@TeawithTolkien) November 24, 2018

Ladies, if he:

– ignores texts
– doesn't like ur tweets
– is never gonna give u up
– is never gonna let u down
– is never gonna turn around & hurt u
– is never gonna make u cry
– is never gonna say goodbye
– is never gonna tell a lie & hurt u

He’s not ur man. He’s Rick Astley.

— Jerry Christmas 🎅🏽🎄 (@JerryDunleavy) November 24, 2018

Ladies, if he:

– ignores text messages
– doesn't like your tweets
– is always cold
– rarely opens up to you
– never leaves the house
– makes weird humming sounds at night

He's not your man. He's a refrigerator.

— The Daily Wire (@realDailyWire) November 24, 2018

ladies, if he:

-ignores your text messages
-doesn't like your tweets
-wears all black
-has difficulty breathing
-is evil
-is your daddy

he's not your man. he's darth vader

— tick (@PoshTick) November 24, 2018

Ladies, if he’s:
– coming out of his cage
– doing just fine
– turning through sick lullabies
– choking on your alibis

Then that’s just the price he pays, destiny is calling him, opening up his eager eyes, cause he’s Mr. Brightside.

— john-paul teti (@uhactually) November 25, 2018

Ladies, if he:

– ignores your text messages
– doesn't like your tweets
– is short but charming
– grew up in an orphanage
– races sailboats
– drives a red corvette

He's not your man. He's Stuart Little

— juice (@RexTrillerson) November 24, 2018

ladies, if he:
– never responds to your texts
– doesnt watch your insta stories
– is purple
– recently had surgery
he is not your boyfriend. they did surgery on a grape.

— TRACK 🙈 (@tokyomidi) November 25, 2018

Ladies, if he:

– Is slick as Gaston
– Is quick as Gaston
– Has a neck that's incredibly thick as Gaston
– Shoots like Gaston
– Makes those beauts like Gaston
– Goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
– Uses antlers in all of his decorating

He's not your man. He's Gaston.

— Faith Moore (@FaithKMoore) November 25, 2018

Ladies, if he:

– is always in a hotel, motel, holiday inn
– wears sunglasses indoors
– hangs out with Flo Rida
– says Dale far too often
– rhymes Kodak with Kodak

He’s not your man. He’s Pitbull.

— Paige (@RedheadRasslin) November 25, 2018

Ladies if he:

– doesn't text you back
– only hangs out with his goony friends
– keeps saying his father will hear about this
– needs to kill Dumbledore to prove his loyalty

He's not your boyfriend, he's Draco Malfoy

— History of Campbalia (@ctellecampbell) November 26, 2018

ladies, if he:

– doesn’t have any friends
– seems complex or has layers
– might have a hygiene problem
– lives in a swamp
– has a donkey as sidekick
– looks a little green

he’s not your man. he’s Shrek.

— Claire Middendorf (@ClaireMarie227) November 25, 2018

And yes, we included our own Aussie version.

Ladies, if he:

– doesn’t reply to your texts
– let’s your snap streak die
– smells like crap
– spends a lot of time around other birds
– is the literal essence of trash

He’s not your man. He’s a bin chicken.

— PUNKEE (@itspunkee) November 25, 2018