high school diaries teen crush

I Reread My High School Diaries & I Feel Like I Need To Apologise To My Teen Crush

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For some reason, I decided to spend my holidays deep-diving into my past and I ended up discovering that my teenage years were not always so innocent.

During the holiday break, I returned to my family’s home and uncovered the absolute holy grail of adolescent artifacts: my high school diaries.

While flipping through my earliest memoirs, when I was 13-years-old and in my first year of high school, I noticed one name kept popping up to the point where I mentioned him in almost every single entry. It was my first crush: Peter (aka PS).

Tbh, I can vaguely remember the boy I am referring to, but also know that we never even dated, kissed or held hands. In my mind, it was just an innocent teen crush but according to the pages of my diary, it was so intense that it took over my whole life, existence and purpose for living.

As a teen, I was obsessed with this boy. I’m not saying I was some kind of psychopath, but I can’t imagine being so fixated with another person as an adult.

Below I have chronicled a sample of what I wrote about Peter in my diary. I will translate my deranged rambling words for you because A) my handwriting from my early years is an unreadable mess B) there are so many damn spelling/grammar mistakes that it’s giving me anxiety.

Here we go! This is about to get embarrassing.

Monday, 23 October

Dear Diary. Today was alright but Peter didn’t really talk to me that much!

Tuesday, 24 October

Dear Diary. Today was alright, it was pretty crap ‘cos Peter got sent to time-out and that’s sad and I got my shoes really wet.

Thursday, 26 October

Dear Diary. Today was alright, Peter was trying to stick a piece of rolled-up paper in my mouth, it was pretty weird!

Friday, 27 October

Dear Diary. Today was crap ‘cos Peter wasn’t there & P.E was crap ‘cos we played this trip ball shit thing instead of doing gymnastics. 

I can really empathise with my younger self having a bad day ‘cos her shoes got wet. That IS crap. Plus, putting paper in someone’s mouth is still pretty weird.

The obsession continued…

Monday, 20 November

Dear Diary. Today I had a crap day ‘cos Peter wasn’t there and that’s really really sad.

Tuesday, 21 November

Dear Diary. Today Peter wasn’t there so the day was crap!

Wednesday, 22 November

Dear Diary. Today was sweet, Peter wanted to play downball with just me and sat next to me.

Thursday, 23 November

Dear Diary. Today was alright, Peter talked to me a bit, yeah!

Friday, 24 November

Dear Diary. Today was alright but Peter got sent to time-out for most of the day and after school I was walking with him and he said he was changing forms next year.

There’s nothing more Aussie than flirting via downball. It really was the game of love.

Sometimes, it felt like I was simply documenting his location at any given moment. 

Thursday, 2 November

Dear Diary. Today was alright ‘cos Peter was there for the morning but then he had to go to softball. After school, Mel said she saw him at the train station.

WHO AM I?! NANCY FUCKING DREW?!

So yes, this is just a small sample but exhibits my deeply weird and constant obsession with this boy called Peter when I was 13-years-old. But I guess that’s what teen crushes are all about, right?

If you were feeling a bit worried about poor ol Petey, then never fear, the following year I eventually moved on to refocus my crush on some boy called Josh, after we shared a special moment together in P.E.

Thursday, 20 July

Dear Diary. Today rocked, I was playing soccer & a guy named Josh was really nice so now I’m in LOVE with him.

I really can be won over pretty easily it seems. Take notes, gents. (Jks, I’m never dating again!)

Peter clearly never deserved (or knew about) my undying love for him.

TAKE THIS, PETER.

I wonder if Josh is still single…?

All in all, reading my old diaries was an incredibly weird experience as I don’t have as much in common with my younger self than expected.

Mostly I learnt:

  • I spent a lot of time saying my days were “alright” or “crap”, when bitch you finished at school by 3pm every damn day, you were living your best life!
  • No boy should ever define your happiness, instead reality TV will do that for you in time.
  • Your first crush might seem incredibly important at the time but you’ll likely forget they ever existed or why you liked them so damn much. (Sorry Peter.)