We Need To Talk About How Goddamn Horny The Honey Badger Is

If you’ve been watching this season of The Bachelor Australia you would have noticed a few things: The dates are bad, Osher is not popping up as frequently and the Honey Badger is so bloody horny it’s borderline uncomfortable to watch.

More like the HORNY Badger, amirite?

I wouldn’t throw out such a statement without evidence, so strap yourselves in (do not, under any circumstances, strap the feedbag on) and let’s go on a journey together.

1. Every date he describes how the woman of choice is dressed/what she looks like/compliments her on her physical appearance

Surely we’re at the point where we should be seeing him form some kind of deeper connection with someone, but really, it all seems physical. And that’s fine, you do you etc., but we know NOTHING about why these people like each other! They’re gonna be all “I love you” at the end, and we’ll be like… WHY?!

nick cummins horny the bachelor

2. His voiceovers also cover this banter

We get it, you said it before, the women are good looking and they look nice when their hair blows in the wind. Next.


3. This season is LOADED with innuendo

Snakes, swords, you name it and a dick joke could be made.

Honey Badger Bachelor Au GIF by The Bachelor Australia

4. He interrupts feelings talk with some hardcore pashin’

Last week Britt tried to open up about her feelings and Horny Badger was like “that’s cool, but like, I just gave you a rose which means it’s time to slip the tongue in now.”


5. If he isn’t going in for the pash after every rose, he’s just bidin’ his time

“Been starin’ at those lips too bloody long.” – Ocker Aussie male mating call.


6. And the kisses are starting to move from PG to at least MA15+.

I am still so stressed about Sophie’s hair.

nick cummins horny honey badger

We also must remember when consulting the evidence, the man himself has given his own testimony about it being hard (no pun intended) to contain his needs during his time in the mansion. Before the show premiered he had this to say to Kyle & Jackie O:

“I’m a red-blooded male. And when you’re in a spa and you’ve been locked up for a couple of months and you’ve got some cracking sort on your lap and you’re starting to connect on some levels and you’re exchanging saliva, all of a sudden the producers come in and start separating you.”

I just spent 45 minutes kneeling down with my rosary beads, gently weeping.

Where is the love story! Where is the deeper connection!

Oh wait, sorry, that was me just reading out of my own personal diary.

But really, c’mon now. To some degree, every Bachelor has been horny (I’m not saying I needed therapy after watching Richie and Alex’s chocolate bath, but I’m not saying I didn’t). It just seems like this year the horniness is really coming at me from the screen and now I can’t watch an episode without thinking about how much Honey Badger wants to get laid.

If you’re reading this like, “maybe you’re the one that needs some form of attention, weirdo”, I conducted a Twitter poll to back my own point up.

honey badger horny the bachelor

Nice.

And let’s not forget the line, “Something a cattle dog couldn’t munch through” is unfortunately embedded permanently in my brain. And now yours, too.