I Rewatched ‘Stuart Little’ As An Adult And WTF I Am So Confused

Imagine walking into an orphanage, seeing hundreds of children from broken homes, having the resources and financial ability to adopt one of them, and yet, you pick a mouse.

Sound familiar? This was just part of the plot of the iconic 1999 film Stuart Little which grossed three hundred million worldwide and went on to produce a sequel film and a television show.

While everyone remembers the basic plot of Stuart Little, we highly doubt that anyone has gone for a brush-up of the film in years. I, however, happened to stumble across the film recently, and after rewatching it, I can confidently say that I am offended.

Image result for stuart little gif

This is NOT the childhood plot that I remember, and boy-oh-boy I am so confused as to how this film was even legal.

Here is everything wrong with Stuart Little:

Imagine being a kid at the orphanage in Stuart Little and some rich family picks a mouse over you…

I just NEED to reiterate this, because this is BULL.

Aside from the fact that you can’t just walk into an orphanage and shop out a child like it’s a fkn avocado at Coles, who in their right mind would ignore all the kids, and opt to adopt the goddamn mouse?!

They literally brought Stuart home, pretended like it was no biggie, and then proceeded to raise him as their own son? And to top it all off, they gave him a human-sized queen bed AND a toothbrush! I don’t even have those things!?! Can we get this family committed or…

I could literally write essays on how wrong this is, but for the sake of my own sanity, I must move on. All I need to say is how did I just accept this as a child…like how.

Um…have you SEEN this piece of real estate these two are sitting on?! 

Ok, the Littles aren’t just rich. Based on their house they’re fkn loaded because this piece of real estate is something else.

They literally live in a HOUSE in Manhattan. Like a suburban/everyday home, wedged between two large buildings on either side. Trust me, if you know NYC then you KNOW that that piece of real estate would be valued somewhere between $40-80 million. And if anything, I’m under-exaggerating.

Stuart (remember, he’s a mouse), has his own bedroom/bathroom, and his brother George, has a bedroom, bathroom AND a private downstairs basement all to himself.

Hell, I literally know people living in NYC that are sharing a studio with four people for $500 a week. Churr….

How TF did Stuart survive the washing machine?

 

We all know the scene – where Stuart’s mum accidentally puts Stuart in the washing machine after he gets mixed up in some of George’s dirty clothes. My only issue with this is HOW did he make it out alive?!

He was clearly submerged underwater for a while. It wasn’t until after the Mum checked the front door, chatted with her husband, spoke to George and finished her coffee that she came back and found him drowning.

Mice can only hold their breath underwater for a good three minutes, so unless she made it back JUST in time, then idk what’s going on…

Did this family REALLY just buy the mouse a bowling ball and a bike?!

 

Don’t be fooled, these items were all human-sized.

I get that the rest of the family didn’t know that Stuart was a mouse, like I GET IT.

But did the parents not want to let everyone know? Like “Hey guys, y’all will probably be expecting a human child, cos idk, maybe that’s something you’d assume, but just so you know we brought home a MOUSE instead so hold off on the push bikes!!!!”

Call me old fashioned, but I think that’s something worth mentioning.

Don’t put the mouse in-charge of carrying the remote and then b*tch about it later

 

I don’t know who thought it was a smart idea to tell the mouse child to carry a remote control that is literally five times his size. He can barely lift a toothbrush, how can he lift this?! It’s legitimately the most important part of the boat race, and they’re just going to leave it all up to him…

And seriously, are they really going to act shocked when he drops it and someone steps on it?! I saw it coming, how didn’t you???

“LITTLE HIGH, LITTLE LOW!…”

“…Little Hey, Little Ho!”

Still to this day I have no clue what their little family catchphrase means. All that I know is that now, being an adult, the fact that this has ‘hoe” in it, I’m offended.

OMG HIS REAL MOUSE PARENTS ARE HERE LMFAO

 

I don’t understand this alternative universe.

Do all mice talk in this world? And if so, how many of them are sitting in orphanages and wear clothes? Are they the only animals that can talk to humans? And if not, why can’t Snowbell the cat be heard? I’m just confused.

I also don’t understand how the orphanage has the paperwork to keep track of mouse families. Honestly, how did I not question this as a child?

…and now they’ve just hailed a cab…WTF?!

 

In what world can mice hail a taxi? What do they pay with? Surely notes and credit cards are not on their, uh, person, since they’re not big enough to hold that stuff?

This scene is then followed up by the family jumping into a toy car and driving down the road as if that’s a normal thing that everyone just accepts.

WHY ARE THE FBI INVOLVED FOR THIS MISSING MOUSE

 

Let me tell you something, there are some human kidnapping cases where the FBI doesn’t even show up, and yet for some reason this ‘missing mouse’ got the whole city on lockdown.

The FBI literally be checking mouse prints, analysing DNA, and making phone calls. They don’t even do that for HUMANS let alone an animal with a life expectancy of seven MAX. I just, I cant even rn…

Lock your windows…do y’all know where the fk y’all be livin?

 

Okay, the ending is kind of cute. Snowball saves the day and takes Stuart back home, only to discover hat the window is locked and that he can’t make his way in (even though he earlier entered through the mailbox slot which is now not an option for some reason).

He taps on the window and after George spots him, they run to his rescue! However, once they decided to all head to bed, they just close the window without locking it? This is Manhattan, not the ‘burbs’. Lock it or lose it, guys.