Just Hear Me Out: ‘I’ll Be Home For Christmas’ Is The Only Truly Perfect Xmas Movie

When it comes to Christmas movies, they don’t make ’em like they used to. And arguably, the ’90s were the era when holiday films peaked.

Don’t believe me? Let me introduce you to three little movies called The Santa Clause, Home Alone, and Miracle on 34th Street. It’s likely that at least one of these movies shaped your idea of Christmas when you were growing up. While I still cherish these movies, I happened to have watched a different, lesser-known Christmas movie annually when I was younger, which I think needs to get the praise it deserves: 1998’s I’ll Be Home For Christmas.

The 1998 film starred Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Jessica Biel, who were both hot property in the ’90s. Thomas plays Jake who is dating Biel’s character Allie, and they have plans to travel home for Christmas from their sunny college in California to snowy New York. But there’s a catch: Allie thinks Jake is taking her home because he wants to see his family, when in actual fact, the only reason he’s going home is because his dad promised to give him his Porsche if he gets there before Christmas dinner.

Things go awry when Jake is left in the desert on the day they were meant to head off, after his nemesis Eddie played a prank on him. Along with being left alone, without ID or any way to contact anyone, Jake is dressed as Santa Clause with a hat and beard glued to his head. Jake needs to find a way to get home in time to claim the Porsche and he will get there by any means necessary — so wacky hi-jinx ensue. Meanwhile, Allie thinks Jake has abandoned her so she gets a lift home with Eddie. Drama!

It’s the perfect movie and I would argue that it’s better than any Christmas film that’s come since.

Here are just a few reasons why I’ll Be Home For Christmas is the perfect Xmas movie:

The story is fun and different for a Christmas movie.

This is a roadtrip movie disguised as a holiday flick. Jake finds himself having to convince random strangers to either give him money for transport, or drive him home themselves. This, of course, leads to all kinds of trouble: he jumps in a van with a guy named Nolan who is carrying stolen electronics, he has to help a police officer Max win back his wife, and he gets thrown out of a car full of little old ladies after he vomits in one of their handbags. It’s a time!

The soundtrack slaps.

The songs on this film’s soundtrack are all hits — no misses! It features every Christmas classic, along with more modern holiday anthems. Any movie that begins with Blink-192’s ‘I Won’t Be Home For Christmas’ and ends with NSYNC’s ‘Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays’ is a movie I can get around.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the collective crush of the ’90s.

Thomas was essentially the ’90s answer to Zac Efron. He first found fame starring in Home Improvement before voicing Simba in The Lion King. He then appeared in a string of random movies and TV shows before low-key disappearing from the spotlight. But he has never been hotter than he was as the cheeky and charismatic Jake in I’ll Be Home For Christmas.

We stan a short king!!

Jessica Biel plays the woke queen we all deserve.

Allie was goals! She was furious with Jake when he bought tickets to go on vacay for Christmas rather than considering that she would want to see her own family. Then when she found out he had deceived her and was only going back to New York to claim his Porsche, she dumped him. Her best takedown was saved for Eddie, telling him before agreeing to get in a car to journey home that “If you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes, I’m gonna have to slug you.”

For a movie released in 1998 — a decade not exactly known for being as woke and progressive as the current social climate — this was quite refreshing. We bow down.

The movie’s villain is an embarrassing fuckboy.

Relatable! Unlike most Christmas movies, which often feature cartoonish Grinch-like villains to contrast against the film’s hero character, this film’s villain was centred in reality. Eddie was just an annoying guy, the kind of guy we have all encountered in our lives: an absolute fuckboy.

Eddie spent the whole film hitting on Allie, trying to win her over and being high-key creepy in the process. In perhaps the funniest moment in the film, Eddie meets his demise as he is carted away in a police car (for no clear reason??) at the end of the movie. Women all over the world are vindicated!

It ticks every Christmas movie box imaginable.

For people who watch a lot of Christmas movies (guilty!), they will know they often follow a formula — it’s what makes these films the ultimate creature comfort, they are predictable. There has to be a love story, and this movie has plenty! First up, there’s Jake and Allie. Then there’s Max the policeman who wins back his wife by singing her a Christmas song. And yep, there’s a random musical number which ticks another holiday movie box.

There are a few charitable moments, when Jake and Nolan hand out their stolen electronics to sick kids at a hospital (it’s very funny!), and later in the film, Jake gives his marathon prize money to a town mayor who buys turkeys for the less fortunate.

This movie is also extremely Christmassy: Jake spends the movie dressed as Santa Clause, the film ends with the characters having a white Christmas, and Jake even rides a goddamn sleigh at one stage.

But above all, like any decent holiday movie, the story is driven by the protagonist learning the error of their ways and finding the true meaning of Christmas. That’s Jake! He begins the film not wanting to see his family on Christmas, but by the end of the film (I won’t spoil), he realises that family is all that matters.

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I’ll Be Home For Christmas can be streamed on Disney.