I Rewatched ‘John Tucker Must Die’ As An Adult & I Feel Ripped Off
There are ’00s teen movies that I think about often, like Mean Girls, She’s The Man, or even underrated gem Raise Your Voice, but then there are films like 2006’s John Tucker Must Die that I literally forgot ever happened.
Even though this movie was relatively big upon its release, I’ve only ever seen it once — presumedly at the cinemas with my high school besties, after my dad dropped us off at the local shopping centre. What I remember most about this film is the countless promos aired in the lead-up to its release, which featured the movie’s famous faces like Ashanti, Sophia Bush, Brittany Snow, and Arielle Kebbel declaring that they wanted some dude named John Tucker… dead!
It was a jarring thing to say, even by the ’00s messy movie standards. John was played by Jesse Metcalfe, which was another truly nostalgic casting choice as before this movie, he was known to most as the hot gardener in Desperate Housewives. Throwback!
But I digress… back to John Tucker Must Die. The movie sees Metcalfe play the ultimate love rat, John, the most popular guy in school who gets on the wrong side of three girls from different cliques — Beth, Carrie, and Heather — after he dates them at the same time. These girls then recruit new girl, Kate, to get their revenge by seducing John and murdering him in cold blood!! Wait no, she just breaks his heart.
I quickly discovered this movie’s title is rather misleading, so let’s jump into it…
I rewatched John Tucker Must Die as an adult & have many confused thoughts:
We meet Kate (Snow), who admits she has always felt invisible her whole life.. despite looking like a damn Victoria’s Secret angel. Due to her hot mum’s (Jenny McCarthy) tumultuous dating history, she’s been forced to move from school to school, without making a solid group of friends.
After she’s settled in at her latest school, and we are introduced to basketball star John Tucker: the hottest, most popular guy in school. I immediately hate him. Ashanti performs the opening routine for the school’s game and she is truly feeling her oats.
What I think I look like on the dance floor:
What I actually look like:
As John plays basketball, he has three different girls watching him with googly eyes. There’s school TV station journalist (that’s a thing?) Carrie (Kebbel), head cheerleader Heather (Ashanti), and class hippy Beth (Bush). Kate works at a restaurant that John regulars, and she quickly notices that he is dating all three women simultaneously. On one of their dates, Carrie speaks French for no reason and is super annoying, but not as annoying as John when he orders for her. Yuck.
When describing Beth, Kate says because she’s a vegan activist this is “code for easy” and I didn’t realise slut-shaming was on the menu here. John’s ex happens to be a waitress and explains to Kate that John dates women “from different cliques” so they never find out about each other, and that he tells them all to keep their relationship secret as his dad doesn’t want him to date during basketball season.
Back at school, John is totally shameless and flirts with every woman with a pulse — even teachers literally fall at his feet.
Me when I finally meet an unproblematic man who doesn’t need me to make him a better person:
Also, this man cannot wink, lol.
Blinking both of your eyes slowly isn’t winking hon, but you did try your best.
John’s deceptive ways are exposed when Carrie, Heather, and Beth are forced into the same PE class and in a game of dodgeball overhear each other saying they’re dating John. The girls take the news with maturity and grace. Nah jokes, they throw balls at each other’s heads.
Kate breaks up the fight and says that he is cheating on them so they shouldn’t be attacking each other, before they all get sent to detention. On her way to detention, Kate meets Scott (Penn Badgely is in this??), they hit it off and she finds out he’s John’s brother, or as she frames him “the other Tucker”.
Heather ask John about what the other women said and he gaslights her into thinking she got the facts wrong. Did John Tucker invent gaslighting? Probably not, but he did perfect it. Anyways, once the girls are together in detention they realise he told them all the exact same thing. Trash.
Kate schools the women on John’s toxic behaviour and tells them they should get revenge on him. Later that night, they all rock up at Kate’s house (unannounced and at the same time?!) and then things escalate…
Wow indeed, Kate. I know the movie is literally called John Tucker Must Die, but that line still shook me.
At school, the girls call their first meeting to analyse how to attack John and decide to make him undateable. Umm, how about the whole murder thing?! We gonna breeze past that?! I guess, because Beth makes John do a weird photo shoot, which they then turn into an ad for genital herpes that’s screened in a local cinema. John is there with a date, who quickly flees! But John turns it into an opportunity to give a speech on STIs at school, becoming a hero for speaking out against stigma.
Next the ladies replace John’s protein powder with estrogen supplements because “what’s more terrifying to a man than not being manly,” as Kate advises. This results in John exhibiting ‘feminine’ behaviour like getting ultra sensitive on the basketball court, asking if his thighs “look fat” and chowing down on a block of chocolate, before running off crying. Classic women! We’re incorrigible!
Boss: Do you mind actually arriving on time tomorrow?
Me:
All this does is make the women at school like John even more for showing his sensitive side. Another unexpected effect is that since becoming more in touch with his feelings, John dumps Carrie, Beth, and Heather. In return, they decide that the ultimate revenge would be for John to get his heart broken so he know how it feels.
They convince Kate to pretend to date John and they plan to document the whole thing. The girls tell Kate to act disinterested when he talks and count to three before answering him. Heather makes Kate become a cheerleader and shows her how to be sexy by strutting around and leaning on walls.
I tried this technique but all I get is: “Hey lady, get out of here! This is a busy café and that’s not a wall you’re leaning on, that’s a barista!”. (I’m sorry, Carlos.)
John approaches Kate, who barely speaks and this seems to charm him! He asks her out, but she rejects him, telling John that she’s busy. At the same time, Scott and Kate become lab partners and are growing closer, until John sends several bouquets of roses to their classroom. But Kate rejects John again. Boom! Message received, right? Wrong.
During basketball, John holds up the game by asking Kate out (again!!!), and won’t continue playing until she agrees. It’s unhealthy! Men need to normalise getting rejected ffs, you actual babies.
Ahead of her first date with John, the girls restrategise over how Kate should approach him — and their advice results in Kate acting like a psychopath!! She decides to reply to John in feisty riddles.
I’m sorry but are men so messed up that they would rather women speak to them like this than show any interest?? Y’all are not OK.
They go to a beach party for their first date and Kate barely speaks, while John just says over and over that she’s the most amazing girl in school. Scott is at the party too and he watches on in a quiet, jealous rage. When John says he will take Kate home, she freaks out and calls Beth over to John’s truck. We are reminded that this is a ’00s movie as the scene ends in a random lesbian moment, with Beth showing Kate how to kiss John goodnight.
John meets Kate but Beth doesn’t have time to get out of John’s truck, so after they drive home, Kate gets John to walk her to her door so that Beth can get away. Kate and John bump heads before kissing, then the sprinklers start going off.
Their chemistry is electric, literally, as Kate’s recording device starts to electrocute herself and John as they kiss. She runs into her house, John rubs his mouth and smiles.
Electrocution is so hot! I’m learning so much about men from this movie: speak to them like they are absolute trash and you’ll get a date, and zap their lips with electricity to seal the deal. Genius!
On another night, without invitation John drives up to Kate’s house and just sits there. He calls her and she tells him “some perv” is watching her from a nearby car, prompting John to drive off chaotically. It’s an iconic moment, but also, like…wtf John? Stalking is NEVER romantic.
John takes Kate on a date but instead of taking her to the restaurant he took his other girlfriends, he takes her on his family’s fancy boat. Heather, Beth, and Carrie track them in a speed boat but it breaks down in the middle of the harbour.
Back on the boat, Kate lets her guard down with John and they share a deeper conversation. At school, Scott tells Kate he will no longer be her lab partner, and we can only assume it’s because she’s dating his brother. The girls grill Kate about her date with John and realise that she is now “under his spell”.
To prove to Kate that John is still the trash man he always was, Carrie films him in the boys’ locker room where he boasts to the other guys that at the away game he “will be scoring more than baskets” and makes crude gestures at Kate’s expense.
At the away game in their hotel room, the girls play Kate the tape. She announces, “John Tucker, you are going down.” But yet… still no talk of murder???
Kate dresses in lingerie for a video call, then instructs John to put on a red G-string and climb on the ledge outside the hotel to get into her room’s window. However, she tells him the wrong room and he’s discovered by a teacher lying in her bed. The whole class sees John wearing red lacy underwear. Like typical John, he makes the best of the situation and back at school, he encourages all the men to wear women’s underwear to help with their game.
Because of John’s popularity, it’s embraced by all the boys at the high school as a new fashion trend. I’m sorry, but isn’t this twist eerily similar to what happened in another iconic teen movie that came out two years earlier?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Yeah, just change it up a little so it doesn’t look obvious.”
Choices!
Kate confronts John regarding what he said about her to the boys and he actually justifies his words as “just locker room talk”. Yikes. He gives her his watch to prove that he’s “whipped” and asks for her to be his girlfriend. Kate meets with the girls and tells them she doesn’t feel right about going through with the plan to break John’s heart anymore and they flip on her, showing that they’re all still obsessed with John.
Kate snaps she doesn’t want to be included in their plan and storms off. Scott notices her hanging out with Heather, Carrie, and Beth and works out they’ve teamed up to take down John.
Kate defends herself, telling Scott that his brother is “not so innocent”, but Scott victim-blames all the women, saying they should know what he’s like so this somehow excuses John’s behaviour. Scott sucks. Even the ‘good guys’ in this movie are terrible.
It’s John’s birthday party and it looks like a music festival. Oh man, these teens are rich. Carrie passes a DVD to John’s friend to play in front of everyone. Kate arrives as it starts to play and John grabs her to watch it on stage with him. Awkward!
At first, John seems totally fine with the fact Kate had been secretly recording him the entire time they were dating. But then Kate can be heard telling the camera, “John Tucker, there’s only one guy out there for me, but you are not him!” and while she rushes over to stop the video, the damage is already done.
Kate tells John about the plan she, Heather, Carrie and Beth cooked up to break his heart. In return, he replies, “it worked.” Umm, yay? As Kate starts to give a moving speech to the party about who she really is, some dude throws his drink at her, and then the women rush to the stage to defend her. They also get drinks thrown over them.
My last three brain cells on a night out on too many voddy sodas:
At this stage, the underlying message of the movie becomes obvious: while the women are vilified for lying to a man, when John reveals he also lies and manipulates the women he dates, he is cheered on as aspirational because “ain’t nothing wrong with hooking up with the finest girls in the school,” as his crowd of supporters tell him.
It’s a perfect example of the double standards that women face every day — and especially in high school.
Kate hurls a chunk of birthday cake at John’s head and it’s the best moment in the whole movie.
It’s what he deserves!!!
The night spirals into a massive cake fight, which always gives me anxiety when I imagine trying to get frosting out of my hair. Back at school, John promises Kate that he’s going to start telling women the truth and we later see him introduce one of his girlfriends to the other — but neither appear pleased or consent to the arrangement. This whole thing reeks of men shielding themselves from criticism by saying they were just being honest. No thanks.
Scott asks Kate to be his lab partner again, telling her “you’re perfect” before robot-dancing away. I feel like this could have been a moment where they kiss but that’s not what this movie is about.
Kate has forged tight bonds with Heather, Carrie, and Beth, and they walk together down the hall as a group of girls who found each other through the mutual hatred of one man.
It’s a beautiful ending, even though there was absolutely no murder plotting whatsoever for a movie ominously titled John Tucker Must Die. I guess John Tucker Must Learn He Can Date Several Women At Once If He’s Honest And That Will Be Fine was taken.
Ugh. Here’s Ashanti dancing again!!
