Just Hear Me Out: Shapes Are Actually Chips Not Biscuits

So, you’ve read the headline, and you’re ready to judge me for my alleged “trash” opinion.

But I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it is you who is wrong. Shapes are indeed chips and not biscuits like 97.82% of Australians seem think.

OK look, just hear me out for a second.

In my 24 years of life I’ve learned that there are two ways to test whether someone is trustworthy or not. The first is to check if that person has two first names, like Jennifer Lawrence or Ricky Martin. I’m sorry Ricky, ‘She Bangs’ slaps so hard but you can’t tell me that anyone on Earth can say they really trust you.

And the second way to tell if someone is trustworthy is the Shapes party test.

Let me paint the scene: You’ve been invited to a party. Music is pumping, drinks are flowing, and you’re on the lookout for the dog you can pat when things get awkward. You know it’s impolite to rock up to a house party empty-handed even though the host told you not to bring anything. So what did you bring? Shapes of course, because who doesn’t like Shapes? That’s right, psychopaths. And what are psychopaths? Yep, you guessed it. Untrustworthy. Anyway, back to the party.

You walk through the doors and are keen to grab a drink, but your hands are full Shapes boxes and you need to set them down somewhere. In front of you are two tables that are clearly labelled. The one on your left says chips and the other, biscuits. Now a sane, rational human would logically place the delicious baked snack on the chips table alongside the Pringles, Burger Rings and Twisties. Not where the Iced Vovos and Tim Tams are on the dedicated biscuit table.

Uh, why do you have tables for chips and biscuits?

First of all, how dare you. This is an amazing party, be grateful you’ve been invited to an event with such delicious choices. And secondly, because there just is, OK? But let’s think about this party dilemma rationally.

Oxford Dictionary defines a biscuit as a “small baked unleavened cake, typically crisp, flat, and sweet.” Sure, Shapes are baked, crisp and flat, but sweet? Not in the slightest. I’m sorry but pizza-flavoured biscuits are words that should never go together. Pizza-flavoured chips on the other hand? You’ve got my attention.

Well, Shapes are baked, not fried so they can’t be chips.

Hmm, potato sticks whether deep-fried, shallow-fried, air-fried or oven-baked are still fries. So why are we discriminating against Shapes just because they’re cooked a little ~healthier~ than other chips?! Shouldn’t we be celebrating Shapes for being the Pete Evans of the chip community? I demand justice for Shapes which are clearly part of the savoury chip family.

Ok then, Shapes aren’t biscuits they’re crackers.

Sounds like the basis of your argument for Shapes being biscuits is crumbling right before your eyes. Luckily for you, I posed the question to Arnott’s a few years ago and not even they had a convincing response, explaining that they should be placed on a “table of their own”.

Now, I don’t know about you but I don’t have all this extra table money laying around and three tables seems excessive, even for me.

So if there’s no cracker table, what then? Are you really going to place the Shapes alongside all the sweet biscuit offerings? Or are you going to do the right thing and put them on the chip table where all the savoury chips belong? Exactly, what I thought.

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Now join me on the dark side, we have cookies. You can find them on the biscuit table across the room from the Shapes.