These 5 Dark AF Kids’ Show Conspiracy Theories Will Ruin Your Childhood
The shows you watch as a kid play a pivotal part in your formative years.
But what if I told you that everything’s a lie, nothing is as it seems, and chances are the TV shows you grew up obsessing over had heaps sinister undertones you never knew about it?
From Postman Pat to Rugrats, let’s explore some of the dark-as-fuck kids show conspiracy theories that are sure to ruin your childhood.
#1 Postman Pat Is A Fuckboi Who Fathered All The Kids In Town
You thought Postman Pat is safe from being painted as a fuckboi? Try again.
Some theorists have suggested that it wasn’t just letters Pat was slinging, he also had a big ol’ package, and wasn’t afraid to, er, deliver the goods if you know what I mean.
In case you don’t know what I mean, Pat had very potent sperm and sewed his wild oats all through the town of Greendale.
Twitter user @AnDuinnineach pointed out how basically every kid in the village have certain, what we’re calling Pat-isms. Could it be that Pat has been smashing through all the ladies in town on the side? Almost certainly.
Postman Pat is the ONLY red head in Greendale.
This is the village school.#PatMustard #HairyBabies pic.twitter.com/UbY19HHztp
— Dinneen's Dictionary ? (@AnDuinnineach) December 31, 2016
To add insult to injury, check out Jeff and his kid Charlie.
This is Jeff Pringle and his son Charlie.
OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES JEFF. pic.twitter.com/BeUn3vHUcd
— Dinneen's Dictionary ? (@AnDuinnineach) December 31, 2016
We need the DNA results, Maury!
#2 Spongebob Squarepants Is Commentary About Nuclear Testing
There are a bunch of fan conspiracy theories around the greatest cartoon in existence, Spongebob Squarepants.
There’s the one where each character is said to represent one of the seven deadly sins and another where everyone’s addicted to a different kind of drug. But the one we’re chatting about here today has got us all kinds of fucked up because it makes too much sense.
The theory goes like this. The show takes place in Bikini Bottom, right? A fictional town under the sea beneath a lone island. Well, that island is said to be Bikini Atoll, a real-life island with a dark history.
In 1947, Bikini Atoll was used by the US Government as a site for nuclear testing. Heaps of bombs were set off there, one of which was named Baker and was detonated 27 metres underwater.
I mean, that’d explain why Spongebob and all his mates are so cooked all the time. Also, perhaps why there’s a squirrel under there. And… look, I’m not about to talk through all the plot holes in the show.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? As a result of nuclear bombs, ah gee.
#3 All The Rugrats Babies Are Dead
Eeeeeeek. This one’s dark, man. It’s been debunked by the show’s creators but still, it’s worth getting into.
Basically, it goes like this: all the characters are just dark-as-fuck figments of Angelica’s imagination. It even extends to the show’s spinoff series Rugrats: All Grown Up, and supposedly ends with Angelica dying. We told you, it’s dark.
The main gist is that Chuckie died at the same time as his mum, explaining why Chaz is always such a nervous wreck. Tommy died at birth, that’s why Stu is always in the garage making toys for the kid he never had. The DeVilles never actually had a baby and Angelica couldn’t decide whether it’d be a boy or a girl, so she imagined twins.
Honestly, thank God this one isn’t true because it’s just too much.
To lighten the mood, I present to you a real pic of me any time someone opens a pack of honey soy chicken chippies in the office.
Mmmmm, chippies.
#4 The Smurfs Are White Supremacists
Heyo! Nuclear testing, a sex-crazed postman and dead baby conspiracy theories? The only place to go from here is Nazis, right?
We’re here now, and we’re doing it.
This theory stems from the fact they’re all the same colour, wear KKK-esque pointy hats and very much act in a mob mentality.
There are also some studies to back the claim! According to French political scientist, Antoine Bueno, the political structure of the Smurf Village hints at racism.
It also doesn’t help that when Smurfs turn black they lose their minds, become unable to talk and are deemed useless. Eeek.
#5 All The Kids In Ed, Edd N Eddie Are Dead & Stuck In Purgatory
Uh oh! All your faves in Ed, Edd N Eddie have carked it and are stuck in purgatory.
Not only that, but the way they act and their environments reflect their past lives and how they died.
Rolf is the son of a shepherd who was trampled to death by farm animals, Jimmy passed away from leukaemia, and Ed, Edd, and Eddy all died as a result of their own sad accidents.
This theory also explains why the kids all have blue, dead tongues and why they’re seemingly stuck in an endless summer vacation.
There you go, folks! Hope you loved the conspiracy theories and enjoy re-watching your old faves now you know that everything’s a lie and nothing is as it seems.