Just Hear Me Out: Lindt Balls Are An Abomination That Must Be Stopped

I love Christmas. I’m the first person to put up my Christmas tree, I start playing carols in November, and I’ve been known to dress up my unimpressed cats in yearly seasonal costumes with varying degrees of success.

But one thing I cannot stand at Christmas time is how inescapable Lindt Lindor truffle balls have become — they’re everywhere, almost becoming the unofficial chocolate of the holiday season. This is distressing for me because I have a confession and most people will not want to hear it: Lindt balls are not good. In fact, they suck.

I should prefix this by clarifying that I am not anti-Lindt. I’ve been known to polish off a whole block of Lindt Sea Salt Caramel in one sitting. Lindt choccy is good, great, fine, just swell — it’s those unholy balls that turn my merry Christmas into a miserable nightmare.

Here are just a few reasons why Lindt balls are an abomination:

Lindt balls have a sinister agenda to take over Christmas.

Lindt balls not only line the supermarket shelves at Christmas in every flavour variety possible, they’re now the go-to gift. I haven’t had time to do an actual study of this phenomena, but based on one single test subject (me!), over the past 10 Christmases, someone has gifted me a packet of Lindt balls every single year. Did I ask for them? Absolutely not. Lindt balls have weaselled their way into becoming the chocolate of Christmas — they’ve become as common as gingerbread and candy canes.

Along with being popular gifts, the balls are often found in Christmas lunch table displays. A ball greets me atop my napkin, a few are scattered in between candles when I try to pour another glass of wine. Everywhere I look, it’s balls, balls, balls!!! Unless you’re a rabbit-shaped chocolate in the month of March/April, then no chocolate shape should monopolise a whole period of celebration like that.

Lindt balls do not belong in Australia.

The problem with Lindt balls is that they’re precious little bitches. If they are kept anywhere that is remotely warm — like the entire continent of Australia in December — then they immediately melt. The best case scenario is that the inside melts, while the outside stays solid, the worst case is when you open the wrapper and the entire contents spills into your hand. Either way, you are probably going to be drowning in melted chocolate as soon as you try to eat one of those things. No thanks!

If I wanted to munch into a spherically-shaped chocolate treat to be greeted with a gooey centre, I’d wait until Easter and have a delicious Cadbury Creme Egg.

When Lindt balls melt, they get all messy and it’s gross!

I must reinforce this sentiment: yuck!

Chocolate tastes better when it has form.

In what world would anyone prefer to eat melted chocolate rather than solid chocolate. Yes, chocolate fondue does exist, but its palatability hinges on what food is dipped into it — traditionally fruit is used to break up the intensity of the chocolate.

Why on earth would you want to eat melted chocolate, on its own, on purpose?? And it’s not like you can portion control, as once it’s melted you have to pop the entire ball in your mouth to avoid even more mess. This Lindt ball has taken away any agency you once had over your food; it’s basically stripped you of all your authority.

Also, melted chocolate is dangerous! Have y’all never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, it’s a cautionary tale that if you try to drink melted chocolate, you might die. Not today, Lindt! Not today!

Why would you eat a Lindt ball when Ferrero Rochers exist.

If you’ve got a hankering for a circular confectionary or a spherical sweet treat, don’t worry — Ferrero Rochers are right there!

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Merry Christmas fam, but if you’re thinking about gifting me yet another packet of Lindt balls this year, don’t!