Just Hear Me Out: Gordo From ‘Lizzie McGuire’ Was Actually The Worst
I’m a big Lizzie McGuire fan. I’ve got the fashion sense and the childhood drawings of Hilary Duff to prove it. But there’s something that bothers me about the series – or someone, more specifically.
It’s none other than David ‘Gordo’ Gordon, who is often praised for his best-friends-to-lovers arc with Lizzie.
As a society, we seem to have embraced Gordo as a sensitive love interest based on a few choice moments: the episode where he reveals his feelings for Lizzie through her advice column, the series finale where he writes “you rock, don’t ever change, and only I really mean it,” in her yearbook, and in The Lizzie McGuire Movie where the pair finally share a kiss.
i hate that lizzie was too stupid to realize Gordo was the most perfect person in the world for her
— des (@gr8fuldes) August 4, 2016
But our collective memory of Gordo is wrong.
While his character softens in the later episodes (and movie), particularly when Miranda is absent and he’s filling the role of both best friends, he isn’t always an ideal beau. Far from it! In the first season, he’s insufferable more often than not.
Perhaps I’ve become spoiled for choice. Alongside rewatching Lizzie McGuire, I’ve been simultaneously watching Netflix’s Heartstopper on loop, which – not to exaggerate – is healing my traumatised inner child with its depictions of queer joy and young love. As a lesbian who’s pushing thirty, it’s no wonder Gordo’s meagre romantic efforts fell flat on me. (That said, Hilary Duff is a queer ally icon and I will be taking no questions on this.)
Though we may never know what was planned for the cancelled Lizzie McGuire reboot, hopefully we can look back on the original series with fresh perspective and accept that Gordo kinda sucked. I’ve binged the whole series and movie, again, just to accurately chronicle this little twerp’s antics.
Yes, I am incredibly thorough when it comes to dunking on a fictional child from the early ’00s — as he deserves.
Here are just some of the reasons why Gordo from Lizzie McGuire was actually the worst.
He has Nice Guy™ energy.
Gordo is more Nice Guy™ than actual nice guy. He constantly feels sorry for himself in his friendships with Lizzie and Miranda. Gordo also has a major thorn in his side about his lack of success with girls. He even says in one episode, “I’m at a stage in my life where girls just don’t value what I have to offer, but I’ll have women all over me when I’ve invented my new software application, I’ve bought my own jet, and I’m running like five corporations from my island off the coast of Spain,” which is pretty shallow for a guy who prides himself on being deeper and more thoughtful than his peers.
Lizzie has a longstanding crush on Ethan Craft, and Gordo masks his jealousy with cruelty – calling Lizzie ‘pathetic’ and being all around unpleasant. Yet in a later episode, when Lizzie is asked out by a boy she’s not attracted to, Gordo pressures Lizzie into going on the date. His rationale is, “one dumb date for Lizzie, but it’s one giant date for every boy who’s ever been dissed by a girl.” If I could add an emoji here, it would be the toilet.
At one point, Gordo refers to his peers as “mindless trendoids following the herd”, which is one step away from calling women ‘femoids’, as far as I’m concerned. Also, he literally wears a fedora and basically tips it and says, ‘M’Lizzie, M’randa’ (not quite, but the vibes are there!).
He resents having two female best friends.
Gordo is often misogynistic in his interactions with Lizzie and Miranda. In my opinion, part of the beauty of Lizzie McGuire is its celebration of femininity and its wish fulfilment for young girls. From Lizzie having a rebellious phase, to featuring in music videos, to being mistaken for – and later becoming – a pop star, the show depicts the zany joys and pitfalls of fantasised girlhood. And then comes Gordo, grouching around more often than not, only taking on the role of Lizzie’s sweetheart at the eleventh hour.
When Gordo is on the phone with Lizzie and Miranda, he rolls his eyes and sneers, “chicks”, as he hangs up. When his friends talk about their interests, he patronises them with comebacks like, “Hey Monica and Rachel, can we talk about something besides hair?”
How about never?
Cringingly, he even suggests making a dictionary “that translates English into girlish,” and suggests calling it “fembonics”.
Zoinks. Yikes. Jinkies.
No one is forcing this kid to hang out with two girls. While there is an episode where Gordo hangs out with Lizzie’s brother, and later realises that he misses the girls, this doesn’t change how rude he is for the most part.
He has a superiority complex.
Gordo is a guy who, in the current day, would watch Rick and Morty and think it makes him special. This superiority complex further adds to his Nice Guy™ energy.
He doesn’t let people like what they like (particularly if he deems it trendy), but hates when they like what he likes. This is evident in the episode where he starts liking rat pack music and culture, and then hating it when others join in. You can’t win with this guy. Miranda points out that she “can’t help it if [Gordo] refuses to like something just because other people like it”, to which Gordo snaps, “it’s called being your own person.”
Eww. No. Not even close.
He frequently insults Lizzie and Miranda’s intelligence, implying that they’re vapid and shallow. In an episode where the pals do career aptitude tests, he lashes out and calls Lizzie “Madge the cosmetologist”, which feels classist as well as plain disrespectful. Gordo thinks very highly of himself, and makes similarly elitist comments about people who work in retail and hospitality.
He’s incredibly defensive when his ego is threatened, at one point claiming in an episode “the man is trying to keep me down and everyone is against me”. This is the makings of a ‘Red Pill’ Reddit lurker — his catchphrase is basically, “well, actually…”
He’s a bitter hypocrite.
Gordo is extremely judgmental of others, but doesn’t hold himself to the same standards. In comparison to his peers, Gordo’s love interests are just as superficial, he’s just as egocentric, and he’s arguably just as trendy – albeit following different trends than his friends.
In one episode, he becomes obsessed with a board game fad, even using Lizzie’s lunch money to fund the habit. And yet he’s dismissive of the many hobbies Lizzie tries, even when she’s volunteering for charity.
While Gordo claims to be all about not caring what people think, he seldom follows this mantra. In an effort to impress a documentary filmmaker, he started insulting his classmates and insists he’s “just being [himself]”. And not to mention how embarrassed he gets when his grandma is just being a funky nan (and bringing him sushi at school – boo hoo!).
Many episodes follow this pattern where he acts poorly for most of the time, but then he comes around in the end and is still seen as a good guy. I don’t think so.
He’s not Miranda.
Look, all the friends in this trio have their moments of brattiness, and I’m sure someone could catalogue Miranda’s least flattering moments and argue that she kinda sucks. But it won’t be me!
Miranda is the far more consistent friend, and doesn’t get nearly enough credit. She may not be a love interest – though I hoped for a gay awakening arc in the reboot, in case any producers stumble upon this – but she loves Lizzie for who she is, with far less negativity and angst than Gordo.
Gord riddance!