An Accurate Scientific Study On What Your Mario Kart Character Says About You
Ever since it first graced its way into our lives back in 1992, Mario Kart has reigned supreme as the greatest video game of all time, don’t even try and @ me because we all know it’s objectively true.
The subconscious decisions humans make can be very telling of who we are as individuals, and if you thought something as simple as picking your Mario Kart avi doesn’t have a hidden meaning, honey, you’ve got a big storm coming.
Ever wondered what your Mario Kart choice really says about you and your life choices? Good, because I’ve conducted a very accurate and legitimate scientific study on what each Mario Kart character says about you as a human being.
Obvs, I didn’t include all of the unlockable characters because I’m not that big of a nerd. I sincerely apologise.
Ready or not, lets-a go!
You’re a natural born leader, but can also be annoying as fuck sometimes (no offence). You’re either an only child or the kind of person who invites their friend around to play PlayStation, but will play a single-player game and never give the other person a turn.
You are, however, a ride or die kind of pal. If someone needs you, you’ll be there and we love you for that.
Known for: Having a moustache before it was cool.
You’re for-sure the youngest sibling who has spent a lot of their life in a constant state of anxiety, waiting for their turn. If you truly want to succeed in life, you need to grab every opportunity with both hands and just go for it.
All of that waiting, however, has made you super considerate and a good friend.
Known for: Smelling great and being good at karaoke.
You are a strong, independent princess who doesn’t need no Mario to rescue you from the castle. You’ve proven time and time again that you’re a BADDIE who is not to be fucked with.
Mario? Haven’t heard that name in years, you’re too busy winning gold and making money moves.
Or you’re a gay man. There’s no in-between.
Known for: Basically being a badass bitch.
You’re the life of the party! Hanging out with you is almost a guaranteed good time. You enjoy a drink (maybe a little too much, but we’re not concerned… yet) and you are super generous!
Known for: Having really nice teeth and always having gum to offer.
You’re a big boi who’s into S&M. You have daddy issues, and an infatuation with blondes but deep down, are just looking for The One.
You are the rich friend with a really big house and you should stop being so selfish and throw house parties more often.
Known for: Being perpetually angry, but a problematic fave.
You are the THICCEST THOT in all the land with an ass that just won’t quit. You play by your own rules, and nobody else’s.
Known for: Always having chapstick on hand and not being grossed out when someone asks to borrow some.
Do better and love yourself a little more. You can be ANYONE you want to be. Don’t settle for mediocrity.
Known for: Smelling like mothballs.
You’re cute and wholesome as heck. You give people your spare change in the canteen line if they’re a few cents short and really fanging for a pizza rounder.
You are the best kind of friend who has no hidden agendas — you’re just inherently good.
Known for: Being really good at hitting that nae nae.
You know you’ll never truly succeed in life and are happy just flying under the radar. You look AMAZING in purple and are really good at cooking prawns.
Known for: Leaving old Tupperware in the work fridge.
You are a thicc-as-shit serial killer who wants to wear my skin to your birthday party. I don’t fuck with you.
Known for: Sleeping with the door unlocked and candles burning.
You’re terrified of commitment (lmao, get it?). Looks tough but actually a sweetheart.
You are really good at paying your bills on time, and always have your laundry up-to-date.
Known for: Owning too many candles.
You’re really pretty and rich with zero responsibility and not much of a personality.
Has 13 sugar daddies on rotation.
Known for: Being the ultimate Instagram influencer.
You’re really clingy and still send your ex “I miss you” texts at 3am, even though it’s been two years and she’s totally moved on. Let it go, my dude.
Known for: The unshaved look, but for pulling it off.
Heyo! Everyone knows you’re not keeping any bones dry, AMIRITE?!
You’re a lady in the streets, a straight up FREAK in the sheets. Although you’re fragile (emotionally and physically) you’re really good at picking up the broken pieces of your heart (and body). Keep on keeping on.
Known for: A never say never attitude.
Whether you agree or not, you can’t unread this.