Your Ultimate Survival Guide For ‘Married At First Sight’ 2020
Here comes the bride, dressed in white with a massive red wine stain down her front. We’re getting close to kicking off Married At First Sight 2020 and it’s time to sort out our schedules to get the most out of this season.
If you’re a newcomer to MAFS, welcome aboard. It’s not too late to get off the train now, but just a warning: once we depart, there’s absolutely no going back.
If you’re a regular, like us here at Punkee, you know what we’re all in for. Approximately 10 weeks of absolute mayhem. Kiss your weeknights goodbye. Say farewell to your loved ones. Stock your pantry now with endless popcorn.
We’ve decided to create your ultimate Married At First Sight survival guide because we’re all in this together:
1. Dump your partner
You won’t have time for them anymore. Date nights? No thanks! Unless they plan on watching the series with you – without sarcastic commentary that they think is witty when it’s really not – it’s over.
2. Or if you’re single, delete your dating apps
Dating apps are exhausting at the best of times, but who has the energy to focus on swiping right on yet another person you’ll only exchange about 15 words with, when you can just watch people fk up their own relationships on TV with little mental effort on your behalf?
Also, MAFS tends to showcase the worst of the worst in relationships and behaviours of potential partners… if you don’t delete your apps before the show, I 100% guarantee you’ll do it during the series, when you start to lose faith in the overall romance department.
Shut up, I’m not projecting.
3. Keep an eye on Menulog/Uber Eats/Deliveroo/Hello Fresh etc. discount codes and offers
You won’t have time to plan out meals every night. Make your life easier. Use it as an excuse to order Thai three nights in a row. The restaurant may even recognise your name in the end and start adding in free entrees. Dare to dream big.
4. Always keep a bottle of wine handy
You’re going to need it.
If you’re anything like me, the guy at your local Dan Murphy’s will start recognising you and you’ll have the same old, tired chat where he always asks for your ID and he goes “what!” when he sees you were born in 1990, and you go “haha!” and he says “I wouldn’t have put you as a day over 25!” and you say “Oh, I’m just grateful someone even asked for my ID with these bags under my eyes caused by watching too much reality TV!” and he goes “…Oh.”
5. Start your group chat now
Next step: Give your group chat a solid name. FYI “Trish’s t-shirt pheromones” is taken.
6. Set up your lounge room for maximum comfort
If you haven’t got the point already, you’re going to be spending a LOT of time here. Multiple hours, multiple nights a week! I recommend a good pillow, a decent lounge for back support, a book for the ad breaks so you can pretend you’re still stimulating your brain at some stage, and spare batteries for your remote control.
Keep your laptop charger handy and indulge in a few face masks from time to time to help with the growing stress wrinkles you’re developing from becoming so invested in this show.
Maybe even see if you can move the fridge to an easier reaching distance? That way if you need to get some wine or hit yourself over the head with frozen chicken breasts just so you can feel something again, you don’t have to move too far.
7. If you’re worried you’ll become too much of a couch sloth during this time, formalise a workout arrangement based on the show
E.g. Hold a plank every time drama kicks off at a dinner party. Do 10 push ups for when Trish makes someone smell a shirt. Do 30 sit ups for each time someone writes “leave” on their card. Practice your shadow boxing and try not to punch yourself in the face every time a man gaslights his partner.
DM me for more ideas.
8. If you haven’t already, set up a Twitter account
Live-tweeting is where the most fun takes place after all! Half my followers have me muted now!
9. And make sure to keep a calendar handy to remember to see your family and friends
Chances are you’ll only get to spend time with them Friday, Saturday or Sunday (during the DAY). Every other day will be taken up by MAFS. And let’s face it, by two weeks in you’ll be so busy trying to keep up with the ongoing drama that you might just give up and tell them you’ll see them in April.