60 Hours Of Our Lives: Everything We Learned From This Year’s ‘Married At First Sight’
I’ve been doing some quick MAFS… I mean maths. I’ve been doing the maths of MAFS. A calculation: Four episodes a week X 1.5 hours long (with some episodes running longer still) X nine weeks + 1 episode. That’s a lot of MAFS.
I’ve texted my brother who’s in the Year Ten advanced maths class at school and he says I have invested at least 60 hours of my rapidly dissolving youth into this single season of MAFS. Harsh, little bro, but surely that puts me in the advanced MAFS class of life.
If I put 60 hours in at the gym, I’d expect to see EmRata style abs. If I put 60 hours into Duo Lingo, I’d expect to be on a date talking dirty with Antonio Banderas in his native tongue after pulling him with my EmRata abs. But instead I’ve chosen to wisely invest 60 hours into watching the same 15 scenes flash-backed 97 times. So, to prove to myself my time hasn’t been as wasted as the patrons of a Wednesday night dinner party, I’m going to write a thesis that nobody asked for.
So fellow students, study group has commenced. If it truly is an “experiment” what conclusions can we draw from the key couples of Married At First Sight ‘22?
For the love of god, let it be something of substance.
Ella & Mitch
Woof. There is much to be learned from watching Ella, ladies. Ella never stepped a perfectly pedicured toe out of line during the turbulent and fiery plane ride that is MAFS. Ella was fun, smart, witty, kind, open to love, was the voice of reason when it came to the drama and not to mention she is hot as all hell. What more could any lucky man paired with her possibly want?
Plenty apparently. Mitch just wasn’t that sure about her, ayyy bruh. I guess her hometown is a little rainy after all. The only PG way I can describe Mitch is as cold and vanilla as no-brand ice cream. Mitch, of course, had no problem bangin’ away all day and night but was standoffish towards Ella when it came to both communicating and setting a plan for the end of the experiment. He shut her down when she asked for any touch of reassurance and was ready to remind her, “Maybe I’m not the one for you” and “I can’t give you what you need”, at the drop of a hat.
Nonetheless she kept her cool throughout all of this, including when he ever so generously dumped her on camera at the final vows, only to slide back in the DMs later off-camera and break if off again.
What we learned:
- You can be the most perfect woman in the world and still be looked over by any typical tiny-mouthed bastard. (Tiny mouth right?!)
- They always come back.
- How to fight with someone and simultaneously call them ‘bruh’ twelve times a minute.
Selina & Cody
The beakers are simply BOILING! Locking Little Miss Sunshine and Mr Needs To See A Therapist Yesterday in a breeding box together for over eight weeks an experiment does indeed make. Add to the mix: a healthy dose of insecurity, a pinch of racism, a physical attraction ranking challenge, and a camera crew.
With little in common from the get go and outlooks on the opposite sides of the spectrum, the only thing that gelled between these two was Cody’s ever-changing hair. Cody’s ‘do always served as a key indicator to the audience on how well or shit they were getting on that day.
Selina signed up for MAFS to find her life partner, she was open to love and ready to move mountains for it. Cody, on the other hand, probably signed up for MAFS to avoid jury duty or something – he just was never really there. Cody’s cold shoulder put Selena to the absolute test every day, but her positivity and hope weathered a lot more storms than anyone’s should. It was sad to watch at times.
Cody doing the absolute minimum included him not having the guts to end it with Selina when it should have been ended. This resulted in some seriously mixed signals coming Selina’s way, which of course she chose to only see the positive in. It was a seriously cruel mismatch, which led to Cody breaking it off with her at the eleventh hour, after the last reunion dinner.
What we have learned:
- Your extra efforts can’t compensate for their lack of.
- You can’t bring someone’s walls down if they aren’t ready.
- Not breaking it off with someone when you know isn’t working is both cowardly and cruel.
- How to detach from your emotions and laugh every time you feel guilty. (Thanks, Cody.)
- Be extra nice to your hairdresser.
Olivia & Jackson
I would like to credit myself with finding these two annoying from the get-go while everyone was awwing and ahhing. I guess I’m just psychic like that.
Olivia and Jackson were your typical, boring, loved-up couple until their sunset catamaran crashed directly into Domenica’s pay wall. When Jackson gave Olivia his first bit of warranted constructive criticism over her nasty comments at the couples retreat she made him feel guilty for pointing it out: “Coming from you, of all people, Jackson!”.
Olivia set fire to the entire experiment and her bloke still stuck by her side. He could see the red flags but he persevered and didn’t run at the first sign of trouble, or the second, or the third. Jackson remained pretty neutral during the Liv/Dom feud until the final dinner party when he spat straight venom onto Domenica. It was like Olivia was the ventriloquist and Jackson her puppet, you could hear it was all her words. Yuck. She changed him for the worse.
There were few couples this season that went the distance but these two are seemingly together still.
So, how and why and what have we learned?
- You can dish out more than your fair share of shit and the right guy will stick around.
- You can bone on the first night!!!! (I’ve tested this theory, it works!)
- Bad company ruins good morals.
- How to double down on your lies.
Brent and Tamara
At one point in time, I had the most hope for Brent and Tamara, I guess I’m just not psychic like that. This couple’s biggest issue was that they overlooked their amazing chemistry and instead focused on the on paper stuff: She had an attitude and he liked that, she had feet and he didn’t like that. He worked in hospitality and she didn’t like that, he liked loud TV and she called him a c**t.
Tamara liked playing hard to get and she made that known. I think she was into Brent way more than she would have us believe. This to me was best demonstrated when Tamara sprung a surprise ‘Leave’ at a commitment ceremony while things were going good in the relationship. If she really wanted to leave Brent, she would have told him so she could actually leave, no? It was all spectacle, and was just another manipulation to make it look like Brent was chasing her and not the other way around.
Some couples get off on games and fighting as it can make the good times that much sweeter, but the good times dwindled fast until all that was left was hurt and bitter resentment. After taking metaphorical punch after punch from Tammy, Brent mic dropped a few harsh truths and left her standing alone at final vows.
What have we learned?
- Your partner can only take so many digs and rejections.
- Insecure people want to break your heart before you break theirs.
- How not to lie (Tamara, you are fucking terrible at it).
- On again, off again is not cute.
Selin and Anthony
Selin and Anthony were perfect on paper. Both attractive and dedicated parents in their 30s wanting to complete their families. Things were good for about 10 seconds at the wedding until Selin decided they weren’t anymore. She got the ick. Nothing wrong with it, it happens.
The best these two could achieve was a play fight over pottery clay which quickly turned into a real fight over pottery clay. Selin and Anthony’s relationship was plagued with long silences, separate sleeping arrangements, and receipts for McDonald’s coffee, and that was just two weeks into the experiment.
Once Selin got the ick she never tried to undo it or work on their chemistry. They could have maybe at least tried to be friends.
Nonetheless they both called it in due time and were somewhat civil at the reunion which was nice to see.
What have we learned?
- You can’t force attraction.
- When to walk away.
- How to stir the pot at the girls night.
Sam and Al
Sam and Al were our ‘will they or won’t they’ couple of the season. Straight up rom-com material. She was mature, he was goofy, she drank from a glass, he from a shoe. These two certainly worked as friends, but do opposites attract?
Sam had her guard up from the beginning and Al was patient, kind and positive about it. After he gained her trust, she slowly opened up to the idea of Al being a romantic partner, and for a brief window, things were looking pretty hopeful.
But Sam kept circling back to what she wanted in a partner, and it was not Al. She was looking for a “man to take the lead” but found herself teaching Al how to do his laundry. Al was clear about his attraction to Sam but after being hit over the head with the signs, set her free. Sam said at the reunion that Al just needed more time in the oven and he can call her in a few years’ time.
What have we learned?
- Opposites can attract but it doesn’t guarantee longevity.
- To be patient in love.
- It’s OK to know what you want and don’t want in a partner.
- How to be friends when you can’t be lovers.
Jack and Domenica
Jack and Domenica were a fine match indeed. It was lovely watching a couple of modern, hip, nice young things fall in love on the telly. There were peaks and troughs for these two and a couple of issues in the bedroom but both were willing to weather the storm together.
My favourite thing about Dom and Jack was that they seemed to have fun and enjoy the day to day with each other. While the other couples pondered life by staring out the windows, Jack and Dom would be playing Uno or fangirling over puppies.
When trouble started brooding with Olivia, Jack stood up for Domenica whether she was in or out of the room. Even when Olivia tried to throw Dom under the bus with the magic words, “YA SAID JACK COULDN’T F*CK YA RIGHT”, he stood calm, rational and united.
These two committed to each other at the final vows to give things a shot in the real world but all I thought I learned was taken from me at the reunion episode when we were told things “fizzled out” between the two. FIZZLED OUT?! I am suss AF on that. However if you’ve been following the post-MAFS discourse it looks like things might be on again or they are besties at the very least.
What have we learned?
- Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty baby!
- Remember a relationship is about having fun.
- Taking things slow might be the right way to go.
- Dom is tops on the pole.
Special Mention: Carolina, Dion, and Daniel
A good cheating scandal is the fixture, nay, the ice sculpture that the MAFS party revolves around. It’s inarguably the best part of the show. Bec cheating with her “brother” back in WA? Delicious. Dean attempting to rap his way back into Tracey’s trust circle? Exquisite. However this love triangle of Shakespearian proportions (a marriage, a DM slide, and a betrayal under the fluorescent gym lights) should have been way more interesting than it was. It really just resulted in some forced on-camera flirting and a lot of monologues coming from Dion. Really?
What did we learn?
Nothing.
What should the MAFS producers learn? You can’t force a cheating scandal.