‘Married At First Sight’ Dinner Party Recap: Wait, Was This Show Meant To Make Us Believe In Love?

Pour yourself a huge glass of wine, because sometimes the only way to get through a Married At First Sight dinner party is to be as tanked as the couples on the show.

As I sat down to write this, the lights of New York City glistening outside my huge window, in the apartment I live in and afford all by myself with a huge walk-in wardrobe for all my shoes, I decided this show is as much of a lie as everything I just wrote in this sentence.

Is it meant to make us believe in love? Or marriage? Or in SCIENCE and psychology?! Because it ain’t ticking the boxes, hunni.

Here’s what happened at the second Married At First Sight dinner party:

On the way to the dinner, Bronson enthusiastically told Ines he thought John was a “miracle worker” when it came to their relationship.

“Hmmm,” Ines said staring out the window, pressed up against the car door to get as far away from Bronson as possible.

Lauren filled in Heidi and Mike (and Jules/Cam again) on the conversation she had with Matthew about her sexual desires. Apparently the experts had no idea they paired the virgin with a potentially swinging former lesbian.

And these are the people we put our FAITH IN?

The experts also seemed shocked at all the positive energy the couples displayed after their first week together, which seems like a worrying thing for our relationship counsellors to be shook at.

As they went into dinner, trouble loomed ahead when Nic found Cyrell and she got snappy.

“Oh, you remembered your wife?!” she yelled in his face. Where’s the snappy jar when you need it!

Also, fun life hack is to walk up to any random in a bar on say, a Saturday night at 11pm, and yell this exact phrase at them to see how they react. I’m not saying that’s how I met my boyfriend, but that’s only because I don’t have a boyfriend.

Nic and Cyrell had a huge blowout, while the experts salivated at this unexpected early drama and watched from the pot plants.

Personally, I was gently touching my TV screen, coaching them through this tiff. “Nic,” I whispered tearily. “Don’t give up on Cyrell! Think of how funny the goose egg scene was last night. Cyrell! Please stop yelling at Nic. Think of the chicken feet!”

Interlude: Please bear witness to the best of the interactions of tonight’s episode.

Creepy Mike started asking Jessika why she hasn’t boned Mick yet.

“The pond stagnates,” he told the camera wisely, as though we should take advice from a 44-year-old man who admitted to travelling around the world staying in hostels to bonk people half his age.

“Mother, do you think Mike is trying to manipulate naive Jessika into thinking he’s older and wiser, so that later he has a chance to pounce on her?” my two-year-old son asked, wiping his hands on his apron, the smell of ANZAC biscuits wafting from the kitchen.

Sam rocked up to the dinner party late without Lizzie, and told everyone the real reason he’s late — he has chicken pox.

Gross! Why aren’t you staying at home eating soup and idk, scratching your balls or something?

“This is going to be an experiment within an experiment now, hopefully no one gets chicken pox!” Trisha exclaimed, slightly alarmed.

I’d be less worried about the chicken pox and more concerned with… other things, Trisha.

Sam eventually makes his spotty way over to Ines and dropped that he needed a cupcake.

Their code word!!

“What’s the whole thing with the cupcake, it’s weird!” John said, sad that he was missing out on some potential cupcake action.

PR, if you’re reading this, send me Valentine’s Day cupcakes.

Ines gave Sam’s chickenpox-y forehead a kiss (I wish I made that up) and they discussed what they’d do at the next commitment ceremony.

Even though Ines wants to punch Bronson in the face, she said she’d say yes to stay in the experiment longer for Sam, who still looks like he hasn’t listened to a word anyone has said this whole damn show.

We haven’t seen a lot of Martha and Michael since their honeymoon and this is basically why:

Somewhere Martha’s grandma is doing the sign of the cross.

Matthew lets the bombshell drop that he’s not actually that attracted to Lauren… and she appeared to somehow overhear the whole thing.

Safe to say that no, he doesn’t want to dominate any time soon. The poor lad looks so traumatised by this experiment I think he needs to go home and put a cool cloth on his head.

Lauren and Matt end up having a chat about what was said, and while he feels awful and she feels hurt, it looks like what the gossip mags printed this week is, indeed, wrong. (Shocking!) Yep, I doubt there’s a little bundle of joy awaiting these two… in fact, I don’t think they’ll make it past the next commitment ceremony.

But hey, I’m not an expert. But then again, no one on this show actually appears to be.

See you next week!