12 Things That Went Down On Tonight’s Messy ‘MAFS’ Dinner Party

Welcome back to another dinner party episode of Married At First Sight. As we know by now, the dinner parties are the most important episodes: people drink too much, there’s always some sort of drama or fight, and one relationship will be left rocky by the end. But enough about my life, let’s talk about the actual show.

This week the couples were forced to endure intimacy week and so far we’ve seen sexy outfits and roleplay between Josh and Cathy, Hayley cooking bacon and eggs in lingerie, Connie and Jonethen writing compliments on each other in chocolate, and Steve had to sniff a pineapple.

But just in case we forgot this trauma, the voiceover starting the episode reminded us promptly. “It’s the last day of intimacy week,” it said, which is what I normally whisper to someone right before I break up with them.

As the couples get ready for the night ahead, here are the important things you need to know:

• Mikey and Natasha were intimate. This means they scored (no pun intended) full marks in intimacy week and Trish will probably give them a medal.
• Tash told us she just wants a “nice, fun night” and this is where we learn Tash has no idea what show she’s on. Meanwhile, her estranged partner Amanda wants to rock up to the dinner party solo because she thinks this will help her take her power back. This is very normal behaviour.
• Josh asked Cathy if she thinks “people have taken their boots off and shaken hands with no clothes on under the sheets.” Aussie blokes are so hot.

OK, let’s recap this week’s shitshow dinner party of Married At First Sight:

1. It’s officially week three of the experiment and Trish is now all of us.

Please, can someone check in on her? She’s sitting next to two psychologists FFS and they are so unaware she’s left her body and is in crisis! SAVE TRISH 2020.

2. In this house, we stan Aleks and Ivan.

I’m sooo0000ooorrrrry, this cute little look they exchange?

Who knew so early on that these two would be the epitome of relationship goals?! I can’t wait to go to their real, big European wedding.

3. No, but seriously can we check in on Trish?

4. Hayley’s decided, as a self-diagnosed empath, it’s time for her to do what she does best: give relationship advice to everyone else.

Let’s not forget Hayley was the one sobbing on the couch last Sunday because of her dickhead husband, but she wouldn’t be the first one in a shitty relationship to dish out advice to someone else. It’s called projecting, babe. We’ve all been there!

The best part of all of this was when Hayley yelled at Connie: “There’s no relationship in ‘I’! There is ‘US’ in this!”

Um, well, sure, OK. Collect your $200 therapy cheque and go straight past GO, Hayley.

5. Over in another corner, Natasha decided to tell Michael and Stacey that she and Mikey have bonked but that he lasted 10 seconds.

Honestly, that’s 10 seconds more than any of us dedicating our lives to this show are getting. Amirite?!

Never mind.

6. Yo Trish, Imma let you finish but blink twice if you need help?

7. Pre-drinks for the dinner party were almost too tame, with most of our couples seeming happy which we all know is not normal for most heterosexual relationships.

As we’ve learned this week, Mikey really struggles with people touching him. Yet, here he is with his beautiful wife, who’s either pretending to understand a joke or shocked that her husband is actually touching her.

Or maybe she’s just practicing to be one of those clowns at the next county fair.

8. Intermission: We’re about an hour into the episode now and all I care about is Ivan and Aleks.

“I’ll take what they’re having, thanks,” I whispered. “Sorry, I did not under-”

SHUT UP, SIRI, I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU.

9. WE HAVE TO STOP THIS USUAL SEGMENT FOR SOME BREAKING NEWS. TRISH IS ALIVE AGAIN.

Praise Jesus! I think she just cottoned onto the fact Mikey and Natasha had boned the other night.

This is also the face I make when I hear about my friends’ successful dating lives after I’ve yet again been ghosted.

10. Finally, giant adult man baby Michael decided it was time to stir the pot.

He’s much better at stirring up trouble than he is cooking.

Michael noticed that Steve and Mishel seemed distant and picked at Steve until his ugly little temper came soaring out. It all started over a fight about leaving cups and glasses out. All the talk about cups made me miss old mate Mark who was married to Ning last year. I wonder if he still only owns two cups? Write back to me Mark.

Steve decided to bring up the bucks party as a way to get at Michael, then the two kicked off an argument about some argument they had there. This highlighted a bigger problem within itself: white cishet men thinking their opinion is important, when 99.9% of the time, it’s not.

As Steve lost it at Michael, Michael dropped the most perfect, ironic line of the week. “Steve, I would never speak to Stacey like that,” he declared.

Just to refresh everyone’s memories, Stacey kicked Michael out, like, two nights ago, because he got drunk and said a bunch of horrible things to her.

11. After effectively decimating Steve and Mishel, Michael decided it was time to move onto Natasha and Mikey.

Michael decided Mikey needed to know about Natasha talking about their sex life. The only surprising thing about this exchange was that neither of them mentioned the word “bro code” once. The smallest of steps forward for Aussie men on TV shows.

TL;DR – Mikey was super hurt and walked out of the dinner party. But perhaps the saddest part of this all was when he said, “I thought I was coming in here and going to meet someone I’d spend the rest of my life with.”

Like, Mikey, you beautiful angelic man who hates being touched – I’m not sure how you missed that most people DON’T fall in love on this show let alone find their soulmate, but bless your cotton socks.

Anyway, this all led us to Michael and Natasha having it out…

Michael yelled at Natasha about “sex-shaming” her “lad” while Natasha yelled that it was a joke and she thought Michael of all people would know this, as a walking, talking joke himself.

Once again I’d like to reiterate that I love that the experts frame everything on this show as “challenges ALL couples face” but I can’t say I’ve ever had an argument with someone else’s husband over my sex life with my partner.

(This may be because none of my friends are married and I don’t have a sex life or a partner, but that’s not the point.) 

12. To end on a cheery note, at least we’ll always have Ivan and Aleks.

My King and Queen!