Married At First Sight Dinner Party: Trisha, Please Let Us Know If You Need Help

Welcome back to another dinner party episode of Married At First Sight. We’re up to episode 32 now folks, which means we’ve been watching this show for approximately 379 years.

I’d say the end is near, but I’m only talking about the remaining bits of sanity I have left, not the actual show.

Anyway find your heart centre, lock in your zen, straighten your back and draw a deep breath in because we’re about to recap tonight’s dramatic MAFS dinner party.

Ning let Mark know that Jess was talking smack about him during girls night and like any man in his early-mid forties, Mark is confused as to why some 26-year-old drama queen who can’t keep her stories straight is bagging him out.

“Once again we’re getting dragged through the fucking trainwreck that is Jess,” Mark sighed. A true evergreen statement for this series, tbh.

As the pre-drinks for the dinner party kicked off, Mark asked Jess who told her that he wasn’t there for the right reasons.

With a 99.9% chance that Jess made everything up, she deflected by telling Mark she wasn’t going to let him know in “front of the whole group.” Mike started questioning her and her motives and the two started bickering back and forth and Mark was quickly forgotten. Which has kinda been his whole story arc this season anyway, so at least that part is consistent.

Poor Mark.

“I owe you NOTHINK, Mike,” Jess fumed.

“It’s nothing,” I sighed wearily to my TV.

The waiter sadly walked in to call for dinner.

“Dinner is served and I’ve removed all the knives,” he said.

(Un)luckily for us, Mike and Jess are seated next to each other at the dinner party and it doesn’t take long before they’re at it again.

“It seems to be you can create drama out of nothing,” Mike said to Jess. This could also be an observation about his relationship with Heidi, but what would I know about relationships, right?

All I know is towels cause a lot of conflict.

Martha had fully recharged Michael’s batteries for tonight’s dinner party and he said the most he’s said all season. He butted into Mike and Jess’ argument, telling Mike to take a step back because “it’s not your issue”.

(This is an artist’s impression of Michael being a robot.)

Like he does with everyone who disagrees with him, Mike ignored him.

“I feel like you’re delighting in other people’s misery,” he pointed out to Jess who had been rolling her eyes so much I am so sure they’re nearly stuck in the back of her head by this stage.

Huge same.

Jess apologised to Mark across the table and Ning asked Mick if there were any truth to the rumours about Mark bagging her.

Mick denied that Mark ever said anything bad, and wow, it’s almost like Jess made the whole thing up and got away with it! Again!

For some reason Dan gave a toast and once again thanked everyone for coming.

Dan, hon, it’s not their choice.

IT’S NONE OF OUR CHOICE.

But lmao, who is that guy pretending to be part of the party?

Intermission: Mike and Heidi make marriage look fun and easy!

Sure the experts don’t have any success in matching people, but they have huge success in turning me off dating for life.

“Haha you make that sound like a choice!” my elderly next door neighbour chortled.

Jess is worried all the drama will turn Dan off her. I, however, am worried for expert Trisha.

Hon, are you OK?

TRISHA????

TRISHA?????????

“I just look at Mark and Ning right now and they seem deflated and defeated to me,” John says wisely.

Statement of the season, sweetie!

Jess and Dan snuck off for a secret chat while I went down for a secret nap.

Let me live, I haven’t slept since late January.

Dan “pretends” to “feel bad” about “cheating” on his “wife” and reckons they should do a Hilary Duff and come clean to everyone at the commitment ceremony.

Dan’s hot new plan of action is they finish things with their partners and reemerge into the experiment as a new couple.

I swear to God if the experts agree to this and force me to watch these two garbage bins dry hump each other for another two weeks, I will personally be writing a very stern email to Channel Nine!

Back in La La Land, Martha shared how not only can Michael put on her false eyelashes, he applied her lip-liner tonight!

Wow, go Michael, you came here to find a wife but have found a job as a personal assistant. Congrats! Kim K is shaking!

Jess and Martha went out to chat about Jess’ “date” with Dan and Jess fills Martha in on their plan to emerge as Australia’s most hated couple. 

“Deaaaad!” Martha said, which is what I also mutter constantly to myself while watching this show except it’s more like a wish.

Martha encouraged Jess to maybe give Tamara a heads up before this all goes down at the next commitment ceremony. “I know how important honest and respect is,” Jess said.

I’m sorry I jus-