Holy Flying Wine, Here’s What Happened At The Final ‘MAFS’ Dinner Party

Welcome back to the LAST dinner party for Married At First Sight this year. Yep fam, we’ve nearly made it to the end of the road, but of course there’s a few twists and turns to come before we can all log off and detox from this mess of a show.

It’s been six weeks since the final vows were filmed and everyone is ready to catch up and see if the last remaining couples have lasted the distance without cameras in their faces, producers in their ears, and a panel of “experts” watching their every move.

Most of us just call that having a normal relationship, but with Martha’s Instagram already suffering a downward slide, not every relationship may last outside of the limelight.

Let’s kick off this damn thing for good, and recap what happened on episode fucken 40 0f Married At First Sight!!

Yep, we have wasted so many hours on this, team.

We open with everyone getting ready for the dinner party. In fact, the first person we see is Bronson, a person I legitimately forgot existed until this very moment.

It is truly wild to think we started this series with people like Bronson and Ines, Sam and Lizzie, Matt and Lauren and they weren’t actually just participants from last year?

What I’m trying to say is, this show has gone on for SO LONG. And I, for one, am ready to see someone throw a wine at another person.

A quick TL;DR from before we hit the dinner party on the final standing couples.

Jules and Cam are still engaged, Mike and Heidi are getting ready SEPARATELY, Martha and Michael are going strong and Ning and Mark are in touch and sending each other memes.

Martha said it has been different getting to know Michael outside of the experiment and they’ve had little “ups and downs” most probably about who gets to stay in front of the mirror the longest.

Martha also said because she’s so happy with Michael she’s not too caught up in any drama and she’ll just be watching tonight’s dinner party as a spectator.

Ning is after a sign from Mark that he’s still interested, so she’s waiting to see if he comes in with a beard. Basically, Ning digs beards so if Mark comes in looking hairy AF it is on like Donkey Kong for those two.

And a huge welcome back to Lizzie and her glorious expressions.

Meanwhile, everyone’s fave long-lost villain Ines is back and is ready for any kind of party. A good one, a bad one, one where everyone gets naked.

Ines, I think if you want more nudity you need to try your luck on Vanderpump Rules and not at this party where most of the cast (and crew probably) want to stab each other.

As everyone made their way into the dinner party, Bronson (lmao who?) arrived with your typical Aussie male greeting. “Hello you sexy mofos!” he yelled into the room.

If I ever hear another man in his mid-30s say the phrase “sexy mofos” again I am joining a convent for good.

Related news:

Sam entered looking like a completely different person sans beard and… wow beards really DO things for men sometimes, don’t they?

“Interesting choice,” expert Mel says, on behalf of all of Australia.

Now we all know at some point tonight someone will get a wine thrown on them.

“Help me!” my two-year-old screamed from the cupboard under the stairs.

Ugh, not you moron, the only place mama is throwing wine tonight is straight down her throat.

Anyway, I put my detective skills to the test while Cyrell had an on-screen rant about Martha… and in 30 seconds her hair goes from wavy to looking slightly damp and downtrodden.

Much like my mood when I recap this show.

So I’m gonna predict Cyrell spends a whole lot of time ranting about Martha from before the wine throwing, as well as afterwards. I will collect my detective badge, pass go and get my $200, thank you very much!

As Lizzie entered the party, Sam said she was like a dementor sucking the life from everything.

Honestly listening to Sam speak sucks the life out of me, but yet, here we are.

Cyrell started a conversation with Michael, which lead to Martha warning him that if he dare spoke to the Cyclone again, she’d lose her shit.

Cyclone Cyrell vs. Monsoon Martha, choose your fighter.

Michael questioned Martha’s warning. “We came in here saying you were going to be a 30-year-old, an adult,” he implored her.

Honestly, imagine having to have that conversation with your spouse. As this stage I assume his students act in a more mature fashion.

Mike rocked up solo, wearing a brave smile.

Whenever he was asked about Heidi he just sighed heavily, wearing his brave smile. So brave.

Mark and Ning reunited and, honestly, I need these two to figure their shit out.

It actually warmed my cold, dead heart seeing how happy they both were to see each other again. Ugh and they send each other memes, so it’s REAL LOVE.

As Ines made her way around the room, she enthusiastically told ex-virgin Matt that she was feeling horny.

I’m sorry, there’s a lot wrong with Ines’ behaviour at the best of times, but I can’t sit here and say I didn’t burst out laughing.

Intermission: The waiter is so fkin done with this show.

“I had dreams,” he furiously writes in his journal at night. “Dreams of MasterChef or MKR. Dreams of making food that made people weep. Dreams outside of tapping a champagne glass and telling a bunch of drunk morons dinner is ready.”

Martha continued to get more and more riled up as Cyrell chatted away to Michael at the dinner party.

It’s funny that green-eyed monster is coming from a woman who condoned cheating as something that just happens, except when someone she doesn’t like talks to her husband it’s game on.

Heidi explained to her crew that she moved all her things to the Gold Coast but she and Mike only had a couple of good days before it all turned to shit.

I’m shocked!

Meanwhile, Mike assured everyone he’s fine while sadly wearing his wedding ring and “forgetting” he had it on.

“Yeah, just been surfing,” he sadly says.

Well, as the old saying goes, plenty more fish to gaslight in the sea.

Martha and Jess have the grossest conversation I’ve ever heard on the show.

As they talked about their parents supporting them, Jess drops a “Daddy, I need moooooooney” in a truly non-ironic way and I just…

Yet, Michael has to move his life and career for Martha, who sits on the beach at Bondi while her parents put money into her account. A normal and good relationship!

Cyrell, Ning, Tam and Lizzie have a big, loud convo about Jess and Dan and the chances of them staying together.

They’re fully on the team that if you start your relationship through cheating it’s not going to last. Normally I’d agree but I’ve seen a few terrible people prove this theory wrong in my time so Tam, take it from me… sometimes it’s just easier to comfort yourself about dodging a bullet.

“Who knew that taking someone’s husband could be so contRAVER-SAL,” Jess exclaimed sounding like Australia’s biggest idiot.

I was trying to type it how she said it FYI. Like, first things first if you’re going to come back with a rebuttal, make it a good one. Secondly, say the word properly.

In an attempt to let Tamara find her voice about the whole Dan cheating saga, Cyrell started screaming about the others made a mockery of the experiment.

And the cyclone has hit ladies and gents. “MY HOO-HAA IS BORED,” Cyrell yelled in what I assume to be an imitation of Jess.

…But also a wild personal attack on me.

Cyrell even started yelling about the fact she and Nic didn’t work out but they left with dignity etc etc. Nic looked like he wasn’t sure if he was ready to laugh or GTFO.

And as things started to get even louder, Ines comes through with the most normal thing she’s said all season.

As Michael started getting fed up with Cyrell’s yelling, she went off on him saying he has “no balls” and that everyone thinks he can’t stick up to Martha, which was the last straw… for Martha that is.

And here we have it ladies & gents, the main act: Martha calmly got up with her glass of red, and poured it all over Cyrell’s head.

Look even though I know this moment was coming I screamed something in a tone that was shock, terror and amusement rolled all into one.

This is truly some wild TV, hunnis.

Cyrell then chased Martha down and threw her wine over the back of her white dress and honestly I can’t believe this is free to watch. My night has been turned around, my skin is clearer, the bags under my eyes gone.

Suddenly watching all 40 episodes of this mess is nearly worth it. Sure, it’s no Real Housewives just yet, but it’s the closest we’ve been in a while.

Martha and Cyrell then went to the lounge of doom where Martha apologised with as much conviction as me pledging for another week that I’m giving up sugar.

You ain’t fooling no one sweetie, and neither am I.

Eventually Cyclone Cyrell proved she didn’t come here to play and dropped this downpour on Martha.

“You’re as fake as your nose, lips and boob job, it’s a shame you couldn’t find a plastic surgeon to fix your personality because that’s what’s the fakest.”

Back at the dinner party, Nic looked like if he had his time again, he may have never applied to be on this show.

Meanwhile, Sam, who I am so utterly convinced is not even the same person still, said he loved when Martha poured her drink on Cyrell and labelled most of the women in the room ‘crazy’.

Sam, considering how much you frothed the drama of the wine pour, I would go as far as to say you’re a bit crazy too m8.

And to add another sprinkle of drama to the night, Ines called Sam out on his gaslighting bullshit.

I’m not sure what’s happened with Ines this episode but she’s really turned it around. After confronting Sam about whether his feelings were ever genuine, Sam started baiting Ines telling her to be “professional” and to “relax” in the same way he once goaded Lizzie to “calm down”.

Ines called him a liar, piece of scum and told him everyone could see through his shit, and look, the girl ain’t wrong.

And just when we thought it was all over red rover, Mick told Cyrell about Nic and Jess’ secret meeting, where Jess told Nic she had developed “feelings” for him.

Feelings or a bored hoo ha, you decide.

A meeting which must’ve “slipped” Nic’s mind to tell Cyrell about, back in the day.

Apparently all the truth bombs will be dropped tomorrow night in the finale episode and honestly, I AM READY.