Married At First Sight: Here’s What Went Down On The Hometown Visits

We are BACK for another week of Married At First Sight and it feels like we’ve barely even left to have a break!

That’s probably because we haven’t and this show has gone on for 87 freakin’ years… and the good news is, we’re only halfway through!

Here’s me the last time I felt any sense of freedom.

Sunday night: The commitment ceremony

In absolutely unsurprising news, we said goodbye to Mel and Dino. In a slightly more surprising twist, Dino thought it was a good time to read a farewell poem to Mel, that included the lines, “When you meet the next man before he slams you, I hope he’ll treat you the way you want to be treated, because you are a woman that will never be defeated.”

Shakespeare is shaking in his grave right now.

The rest of our couples decided to stay, even though all signs pointed towards a breakup. Nic opted to leave but Cyrell held him prisoner for another week. Ditto with Mick and Jess.

Billy and Susie, who absolutely hate each other’s guts, both opted to stay. Dan admitted to feeling like Tamara was friend-zoned but they too decided to fight it out for another week, because otherwise who else would Jess have to flirt with inappropriately for some dinner party drama?

But more importantly, if you’re ready to see John freakin’ SNAP, please watch the below — my words will not do it any justice.

Monday night: The grooms take their wives to see their hometowns

Makes me reminiscent of the days of taking my own grooms to Wagga Wagga and lapping the main and being like, “well, there ya go.” Now I’m just a lonely spinster, destined to a life of downloading and deleting dating apps.

Mick takes Jessika to his farm and she’s scared of the sheep.

Honestly, Jessika, the sheep are the least of your worries. The Australian public is out to get you so much more right now.

Mark shows Ning his bachelor life which consists of plastic cups, two plates and a body pillow.

This doesn’t sound like the start of a creepy murder mystery or anything. It’s totally normal and fine for a man in his forties to live like this!

Mike and Heidi do emotional yoga.

Here I thought doing emotional yoga meant staying in child’s pose the whole time and weeping softly, but I guess I’ve been doing it wrong.

Billy shows Susie his dick… on a calendar.

Wow, back in my day we just used Snapchat, but go off Billy!

Billy then told Susie it’s important to appreciate a flaccid penis. “No one likes a flaccid dick,” my elderly next door neighbour yelled out, half hanging out her window. “There was a time in our fifties where the hubby had to take-”

Sorry, just had to go slam my own window shut.

Susie and Billy also had a MASSIVE fight about… Splenda?

Apparently, Billy lied about how often he surfs and the fact he thought he had a sweetener for Susie’s coffee, and she just loses her shit on the beach and Billy ends up storming off and crying.

I wish I made all of that up, but it happened.

Honestly, this show is quite psychological after all — it’s a great experiment into proving relationships are a crock of shit.

Tuesday night: The hometown torture continued

Somehow Mark and Ning are one of the most stable couples on the show now.

And they have now made a happy family with Mark’s body pillow! That could even possibly be a producer in disguise, who even knows anymore.

Jess set to work helping Mick out on the farm but had as much luck catching the sheep as she does with other women’s husbands.

But all’s well that ends well, she got one in the end!

Tamara met Dan’s family and they asked super appropriate questions like “are you sexually attracted to our brother and son, Dan?”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Dan’s mum, Gabrielle, even went as far as to ask if Tamara was in love with Dan yet. Gab, pls, they’ve known each other for about three days!

“I don’t need my son being hurt again,” Dan’s mum said to the camera. Somehow, I don’t think Tamara is going to be the one doing the hurting here.

“You don’t want to be caught up in something you aren’t happy with,” Dan’s mum later told him. Lmao, like a financial fraud scheme?

Intermission: Nic’s dog is all of us hiding from this mess of a show.

For some reason Billy has decided he’s not ready to give up on his marriage (or five minutes of fame) and cooks dinner for Susie.

This is all well and good until he starts using a FORK to brush egg wash on his PASTRIES. Billy, if you’re going to the effort to make something with pastry, buy a pastry brush, for the love of GOD.

This is the most passionate the show has made me feel in yonks.

After talking about their potential one child, Mike told Heidi the words every gal loves hearing. “Maybe I’ll try and find love with you.” Just like that, one million Aussie women face-palmed with Heidi.

As someone who is terrible at articulating mushy feelings, for once I nearly sympathise with Mike. But also, he just referred to love as though it’s an easter egg hunt or some shit, and we all know an easter egg hunt is likely to be far more rewarding.

Mike, next time try my method. Wait 7-8 months until they seem like they’re not going anywhere, drink about five glasses of wine and then say “I think I maybe love you???” but pose it as a question. Works a treat.

Just don’t be surprised if you still feel nothing inside.

We end the episode with Jess and Mick having a huge blowout after he said her dad was a drunk, and her brother was a fuckhead at their wedding.

While it may have been inappropriate to voice his opinions on Jess’ family like that, she uses it as ammo to basically call it quits. “I was so set on you until this,” she told Mick, disregarding all of last week’s dinner party antics.

Since I’m invested in these two as much as I’m invested in online dating, I just reimagined the whole thing to suit my own tastes.

Ain’t that the truth!

See you tomorrow for another dinner party from hell — hopefully sponsored by Red Rooster.