Married At First Sight Recap: Two New Weddings & An Impending Divorce

Welcome back to another week of Married At First Fright, which is literally just a show of me screaming at my TV when I heard the show was introducing TWO new couples.

It’s like Gogglebox, but more emotionally testing.

Monday night: We meet the ~intruders~

Of course, it makes so much SENSE to introduce intruder couples. The logic is obvious! The reasoning is… honestly I don’t know why they’ve done this other than to really draw out all our collective suffering.

Our first match is Billy and Susie.

Susie is a single mum of Baby. As in, her daughter’s name is Baby.

We’ll gloss over that because people can’t choose their own names. If this was the case I would’ve just resigned to the fact and called myself Thalia a long time ago.

Billy has been raised by a single mum and says he’s a hopeless romantic. Normally this description to me rings warning bells that there’s a high chance of him crying at the end of the series asking why “nice guys always finish last,” but I have high hopes for Billy. Don’t let me down!

John called Susie and Billy a “fascinating” match, so this is bound to end well.

Our second match is Dan and Tamara.

Dan is a single dad from the Gold Coast, who John calls a “genuine, down to earth guy”. This is all well and good but we need to remember the other night John also sided with Mike over Heidi, so we don’t necessarily TRUST John.

Tamara comes across as a lovely, normal human and her only flaw is that she “believes in the process”.

We learn there’s going to multiple people in Susie and Billy’s marriage — the two of them, and Susie’s father.

“You’re so CUTE,” Susie insincerely said to Billy, in a tone that can only be described as unctuous. Hear that sound? That’s the sound of Billy being massively friendzoned.

Billy, however, is instantly in love with his match and all is well in his world until Susie’s father comes to have a chat. Susie’s dad basically tells Billy he’s 100% not the kind of guy Susie would usually be into and that he’s “too soft” for her. He then gives him some handy tips and tricks to lock Susie in for good, because I’mma assume Susie’s dad is over the usual dropkicks she dates.

“Just look after her, be a family person,” Susie’s dad said. He then dropped the bombshell on Billy that Susie actually has a child and finished it with, “that’s your baby now.”

I will not make a baby name joke, I will not make a baby name joke. 

“Just be calm and cool and give her attention, but not too much,” Susie’s dad says, which tbh is the best dating advice anyone has ever given on this show.

Meanwhile, Dan and Tamara get married on a boat, to some very dramatic background music.

Is their ship going to sink before it even floats? This is the question that absolutely does not keep me up at night.

After an awkward wedding kiss, Dan and Tamara have no issues when it comes to duelling their tongues during the wedding photo shoot.

“This is really gross,” I said to my litre tub of Weis (dairy free!) dark chocolate ice cream. “People are going to think you wrote that as part of a sponsorship deal, even though it’s not, you’re just a lonely old hag who spends too much time watching this show,” the ice cream whispered back. “Also wipe your mouth, you’re a mess,” it added.

Tamara’s dad gave a very beautiful speech about her mum who died a few years previous and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house, including mine. My tears were quick to dry up though after Dan later proclaimed he had “strong feelings” for Tamara and would be up for some “hanky panky” later that night.

There’s something so wrong with a 35-year-old man using the term hanky panky to describe intimacy, and yes, this is a judgement from someone who calls it “doing the sex.”

Tuesday night: Two honeymoons & Cyclone Cyrell

Let’s just breeze past the boring honeymoons quickly: First up, Dan and Tamara apparently did NOT seal the deal.

Dan is really horny. Like. That’s all there is to Dan at the moment. He’s just a horny bastard. Big daddy wants his hanky panky.

Sorry, sorry, I’m trying to delete that sentence.

Tamara and Dan did a honeymoon question box in what looked like a church and they finished their honeymoon off with a romantic dinner but Tamara was still like, “I’m not going to bonk you yet,” much to the disappointment of Dan’s raging erection.

Billy and Susie’s honeymoon was about as interesting as both their personalities.

They had an argument about whether Billy had balls big enough to be with Susie, and she was like, “I don’t think your balls ARE big enough,” and he was like, “Um, my balls are massive actually,” and she was like, “hmm sounds fake,” then I was like, “PROVE IT, BILLY, SHOW US YOUR BALLS” and then Channel Nine was like, “Ma’am, enough with your commentary, this is your last warning before we arrest you.”

MORE IMPORTANTLY! Martha and Cyrell had an absolute showdown and I’m still reeling from all the drama.

OK, so the TL;DR is basically this: Jessika told Martha that Nic rubbed her leg during the last dinner party. Martha asked Nic about it at the gym, and Nic then went and told Cyrell another rumour was going around and let her know what it was. Cyrell and Nic decided to go talk to Jess about it, who side-steps the situation by once again saying her words must’ve been misconstrued (see a pattern here with Jess? Hmmm?).

ICYMI, no one is rubbing my leg.

Martha and Michael are busy celebrating their one-month anniversary with Michael attending to Martha’s pedicure while she daydreams about her reflection.

In all fairness to Martha, I’d daydream about myself too if I looked like her.

Cyclone Cyrell blew on in and I ducked for fucking cover.

So here’s where things went wrong: Cyrell absolutely has a point about Martha being a shit-stirrer and creating drama then just ducking out of it like she was never part of it. Cyrell’s point gets lost in her delivery because she basically just turns into a screaming banshee.

A small intermission: Mick comes across his first ever facemask

Cyrell and Martha have a one on one chat which eventually erupts into a screaming match with Cyrell going in for the attack, then smashing a bowl.

Married at First Sight? More like Married At First FIGHT!

Haha, thanks!! I’m here all night.

Every night…

After Cyrell packs her bags and storms out (before coming back again) she and a bemused Nic head to see John for some emergency couples counselling.

Sure, seeing Cyrell smash a bowl was shocking and all but the most shocking thing of all is happening now: apparently we still trust John’s opinion.

We go through the same pattern of Cyrell pushing Nic away because of her trust issues, etc. etc. before landing on the fact Cyrell has to apologise to Martha.

She’s thrilled about it.

Martha isn’t that here for Cyrell’s apology. “She’s not my kind of person,” Martha tells her reflection. “It’s like she’s been raised in a zoo.”

Cyrell then apologised to Martha for her aggression but fell short of apologising for calling her a two-faced bitch. Lmaoooooo. Eventually, with Martha’s lack of forgiveness or owning up to anything, the apology goes cold and Martha shows Cyrell the door.

“If it doesn’t work out with Nic, she could have a really successful career with Pedigree as a model or something,” Martha tells us as her closing words.

Hon, what.

Anyway I’m off to dab some Bonjela into my stress ulcers. See you for tomorrow night’s shitshow of a dinner party!