‘Married At First Sight’: The Last Supper Starring Jess & Dan As Judas

It’s here. No, not the end of the season! Don’t get that hopeful. But the last dinner party HAS been and gone.

Our final couples sat down for one last time (well, technically there’ll be another reunion dinner but let’s not dwell on that just yet) to discuss their married life, sex life or lack thereof and, you know, all the other usual things married people discuss.

Here’s a very brief rundown:

Mike and Heidi are still having the same fight. Jess laughs at everything Dan says even though the evidence suggests he’s never said anything funny in his entire life. Jules and Cam are still in a loved-up bubble. Ning and Mark have not banged. I sat here thinking ‘OK I am missing someone else??’ for five minutes, then eventually realised it was Martha and Michael.

But, can you blame me when their most interesting storyline is him being worried about putting on her fake eyelashes?

OK let’s cut straight to the dinner party and what went down.

The experts wonder if Mark and Ning finally got it on or not. “Gosh, have we had any progress this week?” John asked hopefully.

Alas, no, like most married couples, Mark and Ning are not boning.

Everyone is super weirded out by Jess and Dan.

 “I just keep thinking of Mick at home with his sheep,” Heidi said sadly.

In all honesty, the sheep are probably a lot nicer to Mick than Jess ever was.

Jess dropped on the group that Dan wants her to meet his son once the experiment is over. Their faces… said it all.

“I would definitely feel jealous if I saw someone like myself and Dan walk into the dinner party as happy as we are,” Jess smugly told the camera, reading the room so, so wrong.

At the dinner party, we kept hearing about how it’s unfortunate people got hurt but, like, Jess and Dan are just so happy, you guys.

Everyone sat there dead behind the eyes not wanting to start any drama or fights about the absolutely wrong way Dan and Jess kicked things off.

Eventually Ning has had enough and told them they did it the wrong way, swiftly popping their little love bubble. Between the eye-rolling, snack-hoarding, and wine-guzzling, Ning is the queen of this episode and this is not up for debate.

After Jules caught Jess out on lying about how long she and Dan had been getting down & dirty, Martha briefly stopped looking at herself in the reflection of her spoon and chimed in to scold everyone on being so “self-righteous”.

“You know what, people cheat on each other,” Martha said poetically.

Ugh moving speech, Martha. Put it on my tombstone!

Anyway, Heidi is all of us.

Jess and Martha went out to have a general bitch about the group and Jess also felt the need to share that she and Dan have a lot of day sex with the curtains open.

Wow, Joe from You is quivering.

Jess also spilt that she’s fallen in love with Dan. The experts are pretty shook and this statement has awoken Trisha in the same way the word “intimacy” does.

“We see in Jess’ brain she’s drunk on love,” Trisha said. “And remember a brain high on love is exactly the same as a brain high on heroin.”

My mind is blown.

And here I thought being in love was just like being drunk — fun at first, and then all of a sudden you’re crying, shouting, and waking up full of regrets.

But no, it’s like heroin apparently. You can keep them both as far as I’m concerned.

Heidi and Mike ended up having another spat about their relationship over dinner which resulted in Mike walking out.

Heidi followed him and as they continued rehashing the SAME FUCKEN SHIT Mike ended up putting on his passive aggressive calm voice. “It’s like, today I saw my Heidi is stuck in there, trying to find her way out,” he said. “I could never free you.”

Mike you’re not fucking Aladdin trying to free a genie, try listening to your wife’s problems and maybe you’ll both feel a lot freer.

OR alternatively, break up, the most freeing sensation of all.

A wild John appeared to shake things up because for some reason this episode hasn’t ended yet.

Dun DUN enter the “honesty” box which is the experts’ way of saying “y’all are getting real boring so we needed to spice things up.”

“We’ve created very pointed questions for your relationship,” John told the couples. “But we had to cut out 769 questions from Trisha about sexual intimacy.”

The honesty box was pretty boring. I think a more interesting honesty box would be bringing it out to the couples who have already broken up so we could finally hear some interesting tea.

But what would I know! I don’t run this show, I just dedicate my whole life to it.

Jess and Dan got to their questions and Jess decided it was the appropriate time to drop the L-bomb.

“Yeah, I am in love with you,” Jess beamed at Dan. “That’s nice,” he responded.

NO, GUYS, LIKE HE ACTUALLY REPLIED WITH “That’s nice.” I’d say I feel sorry for Jess, but… I don’t??

Jess then used her “free” question to ask if Dan loved her. “I think I do?” he said, sounding about as convincing as a Macca’s worker when they say the soft serve machine is “broken.”

Hugely believable Dan! The frantic nodding definitely drives your point home.

When Mike and Heidi’s turn came around, they got halfway through before Jess interrupted them by laughing at Mike.

When Mike questioned Jess asking if she thought his relationship woes were funny (trust me Mike! They’re not! I hope I never hear about them again!) she called him a pig.

Soon the table was arguing because Jules called out Martha and Jess saying there’s a difference between the “girls” at the table and the “women”.

There’s also a difference between how fresh-faced and young I was when this show first started, vs. the haggard reflection staring back at me now in the mirror.

As Martha got riled up, Mike once again butted in. “Martha, you freaked out about the loss of a fingernail, you called your husband a bitch,” he yelled. Jess decided to go in and accuse Mike of not wanting to be with Heidi, saying that he told her that their relationship is “so bad”.

Dan eventually HAD ENOUGH and yelled at everyone, including his new girlfriend, to stop.

“I’m fucking over it,” he snapped. This is what happens when you think with your dick, Dan.

I hope Tam is somewhere having a nice relaxing massage and facial right now.

As we closed the episode, Dan told the camera that he saw a different side of Jessika that he didn’t quite like. Somewhere, in the distance, the world’s smallest violin played as they left the dinner party separately.