Fights, A Secret Kiss & Not Enough Wine In The World (For Me): Here’s What Happened On Tonight’s MAFS Dinner Party
Welcome back to another Married At First Sight recap, or as my boss calls it “you thinking you’re funny, but it’s sad because you’re the only one laughing.”
Tonight’s MAFS dinner party episode looked like a big one. It promised us Cyclone Cyrell. I was ready, down in my bunker, for the storm to hit. I even brought snacks goddamn it. But all we ended up getting was a very light sprinkling.
The last time I felt this disappointed by a lack of drama was… well every night watching this show.
Anyway, let’s bunker down together instead (not a sex thing!) and recap what happened on tonight’s MAFS.
For 20 minutes we sat through rehashing Monday and Tuesday’s episodes as the couples got ready.
We didn’t learn anything new apart from the fact Nic and Cyrell haven’t spoken since Ivan kicked him out. At this stage I wouldn’t be surprised if Ivan rocked up to the dinner party.
As the dinner party kicked off, Cam and Jules had to prove they were the most stable couple by coordinating their outfits.
Guys, we get it, you’re in love and it’s SICKENING.
Cyrell warned us all that whatever came into her head at the dinner party, she’s just gonna come straight out and say it.
So weird because she normally seems like the shy, retiring type.
She also decided to ditch the wedding ring, and I discreetly moved my ring to my left hand. I am Nic’s wife now. The union is as legal and normal as this show.
Nic, however, was a bit shook about Cyrell not wearing her ring, and was also not impressed with her making a single ladies joke before he got there.
Nic, sorry sweaty, it appears you’ve been dumped.
“It’s actually ‘sweetie’ not ‘sweaty’,” my elderly next door neighbour shouted, banging on our shared wall.
Fuck, learn how to understand memes, Doris.
Before dinner even kicked off, Cyrell called out Jess for saying that she wanted to fuck Dan.
Damn, didn’t realise tonight’s entrees were SCALDING hot tea.
Ning and Martha debated what it means getting to ‘third base’.
Ning seems to think sex is third base, which is extremely worrying for someone with three children.
“You haven’t been hitting many home runs recently,” Doris from next door called out cackling so hard she starting choking.
Karma, Doris, karma.
Meanwhile, our experts were just there… being alleged experts.
Nic and Cyrell had a slight tiff over dinner about whether they’re over or not.
Cyrell’s theory is that he left the house and it showed he didn’t have any fight for the relationship left in him. Nick’s theory is… well, that her psycho brother kicked him out.
My theory is that dating is the worst and being married doesn’t seem much better.
Glad we chatted about this.
INTERMISSION: A mural of Nic looking sad on the show.
Meanwhile in Cheaters-Ville, Jess and Dan both justified that what they’re doing isn’t WRONG.
Sounds like the logic of my ex.
“I’ve shut off emotionally from Mick,” Jess says, as though she had ever once explored Mick as an actual option. Meanwhile Dan kept insisting he’s not a cheater, it’s just that something about Jess intrigues him. So naturally they snuck off to decide to go on a date later in the week. Then they played tonsil hockey, but there’s no winners here folks.
But it’s not cheating! Not even close!
Cyrell then decided to talk to Jess which ended… well, badly.
Cyrell pointed out the obvious that Mick is completely, 100% done, and Jess was all like, “mmm sorry, but he’s been happy during the week!”
Cyrell then confronted Jess about what she said about wanting to bang Dan and called her out on being there for the wrong reasons. Like she did last time someone called her out for wanting to be famous, Jess started to walk off…
But.. did you hear that thunder? Did you see that lightning?
A WILD CYCLONE CYRELL APPEARED!
But it was all a little too brief for my liking, tbh.
She stormed into the group (pun intended, thanks) ranting and raving about how Mick deserves better, and called Jess out for wanting to bang Dan. I think the only person who genuinely enjoyed the storm was Mick, because he was finally getting some validation.
Everyone else was just like:
After all this blew over, Tamara pulled Jess aside for a chat and Jess was on the defensive straight away.
Which, if you ask me, is a surefire sign someone is feeling a lil guilty. And I don’t care if you didn’t ask me, remember this: If someone starts answering questions you didn’t ask, they’re fucking GUILTY.
Tamara was quite calm about it while Jess was snappy. “I never said I wanted to fuck your husband,” she fumed at Tamara, as though she hadn’t just told Martha a few minutes ago that she could see herself falling in love with Dan.
And to conclude the episode, Devious Dan gave a toast. “Thanks to everyone for coming tonight,” he said for some reason, as though he threw the dinner party himself.