‘Married At First Sight’, Episode 3: I’ve Now Officially Watched More Weddings Than I’ve Ever Been Invited To
It’s night three of 8769 weeks of Married At First Sight, and we witnessed the holy matrimony of two more couples.
Tonight’s lessons can be summed up fairly swiftly: Always pretend you need to go to the toilet before you commit fully to a wedding dress, maybe don’t go on the show if you haven’t worked through your emotional issues, and if you’re 44 and going to hostels to hook up with women half your age, there’s probably something wrong with you.
OK, that’s the TL;DR version, but if you’re here for the long haul, then let’s do this.
We met Mike and Mike’s abs. Mike and his abs have done a lot of travelling and are ready to settle down.
Mike’s abs have stayed in a lot of hostels and like to generally pursue women half his age, which is very normal for a 44-year-old man!
“Do you think Mike struggles to let go of his youth and is now on the show for a desperate attempt to stay relevant?” my two-year-old son queried from the kitchen where he was making gluten-free bread from scratch. “Because he seems to be trapped in the mindset of someone 20 years younger.”
Trisha said she reckons Mike has done a lot of self-reflection while he was overseas.
Wait, while he was shagging his way around the globe? Again, this is why we don’t trust the experts.
John quizzed Heidi, Mike’s new wife, on her love life and she said she just didn’t know how to meet people these days.
The struggle is real.
“I want to smell people, I want to hear their voice!” she continued. OK backtrack, like in that order? Am I meant to be sniffing my potential future partners when I first meet them?
For wedding number two, Ning and Mark get paired together. Ning has some serious abandonment issues and Mark has never told a girl he loved her. In fact, he can barely even say the word ‘love’.
I can’t see where this would go wrong at all!
Ning has three kids, and Mark lives on his own where he says he doesn’t own a kettle, iron and only has one plastic cup but has “plenty of room in the dishwasher for two”.
Mark, you might need to buy a few more plastic cups buddy.
Before she makes it to her wedding, we learn Heidi did not pick the best dress for the occasion. Well, the best dress to pee in.
We go on a whole rollercoaster where her bridesmaids have to take her into the bathroom and make her pee in a cup, and she’s desperately screaming for a bowl to pee in, and they’re like “but it’ll be TOO BIG.”
This is clearly what they mean when they say marriage is hard work.
Meanwhile, Mike’s abs are just contemplating their life choices in a sauna.
“Will we be able to commit to anyone over the age of 25?” they ask themselves.
As Heidi battled her way down the sandy aisle, she constantly whispered to herself, “he has no hair!”
No one ever said the path to true love is easy, there’s always obstacles like high heels in sand, or finding out you’ve drunkenly re-downloaded Tinder. Again.
All in all, Heidi and Mike seemed pretty stoked with each other.
At the other wedding, Ning looked like she was regretting every single one of her life choices that led her to this moment.
The whole way to the ceremony, Ning is in constant tears about abandonment issues, not being able to trust people, wanting to find love etc.
One may decipher that perhaps she is not emotionally ready to be thrown into this brutal experiment, but one is not an expert, even though one would be a better expert than the ones on this show.
At the altar, Ning made a LOT of “jokes” that didn’t quite… hit the Mark.
GET IT? Hit the MARK. Because his name is Ma-.
Sorry, sorry, please don’t click out of this just yet.
Moving on to the reception, Ning is still hating life and Mark is regretting ever leaving his simple life.
After telling Mark it’s a shame she can’t block him on social media yet, Ning’s friends tell her to calm the fuck down and stop insulting the poor man. Mark diplomatically tells his mates that he thinks Ning is very nervous.
At Heidi and Mike’s reception, they’re getting on like they’ve known each other their whole life.
Though, Heidi has another pee disaster.
My bladder is so stressed out watching this.
During the speeches, Mark gets emotional thanking his parents for everything and Ning realises maybe he ain’t that bad.
She then finally told him that she has three kids, and he doesn’t seem too phased. I guess buying some more plastic cups wouldn’t be too much of a strain on the finances.