Here’s Everything That Happened On The Very First Episode Of ‘Married At First Sight’
MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT IS BACK, BABY!
For people like me who have no social or romantic life, this is truly a blessing. And luckily for you, because of my bad life choices, I am recapping this shitshow just in case you can’t stay superglued to your lounge for 1.5 hours every night.
I’m not joking, my boss has superglued me to the lounge, please help me.
Anyway, let’s get straight into what happened in Episode 1 of Married At First Sight.
We open with some beautiful scenery of Sydney and the perfect line: “The modern dating world is like swiping through your rubbish bin.”
The show promises us that in the end, love WILL prevail which sounds hugely fake to anyone who’s ever seen this show before, but sure.
Personally, I’m super excited to be reunited with the experts.
Though, I’d never want to get therapy from them myself because I’m perfectly capable of destroying my own life and do not need these guys jumping on board to help me. John commended the new cast, calling them “brave individuals” as if they’re about to go and face a war, which, to be fair they kinda are.
We fly through meeting some of the contestants:
There’s the single mum who cries about how hard it is to sleep alone, Nic who has battled cancer before, Matthew the 29-year-old virgin, and Ines who listed her hobbies as “being in a bikini”.
Also, there’s this icon who is the perfect portrayal of me watching the show:
At the girls’ Bachelorette party, Elizabeth talked about how men can’t handle a confident woman and finally I am thrilled to see some TRUTH BOMBS on this show.
“If I’m bored with you, you’re like a wet wipe and I’ll push you to the side,” Elizabeth explained. Icon. We stan.
The experts crash the respective parties to kick off the “experiment”. John makes up some BS that they used “psychology” and “science” to match up all these fame-hungry idiots.
Kind of like how I use “psychology” every time a friend goes through a breakup, but really, it’s just a wine-fuelled, slurred speech about the bar being set so low when it comes to men.
The ladies and lads, at their respective parties, talk about whether or not they’re gonna get their bonk on harder than our Aussie politicians on their wedding night.
“I need to have a feeling for you, for me to want to share my body with you,” says Cyrell, which is also what I whisper to my plate of steamed greens every night before giving up and ordering Deliveroo.
Speaking of delicious food, the men are also discussing whether they’d put out on the first night. “If you have an opportunity to eat the full pizza, you’d eat the full pizza,” Bogan farmer Mick explained and, you know what, he’s right. I WOULD eat the whole pizza, then I’d take my food baby straight to bed. By myself. Which is what I do every nigh- whatever let’s move on.
Somehow Nic got a ~vibe~ Matt is a virgin. By now we know the men cast on this show aren’t exactly “in touch with their feelings” so we also know a producer let this slip to him.
“But is Matt just playing a ‘character’ of someone who is a 29-year-old introverted virgin?” my two-year-old son asked, finally looking up from his thesis for the first time in 12 hours. “Because it seems a bit hard to believe he’s not an actor.”
We get some special time with the experts where they talk us through their first matches and act like they’ve had great success before.
Ya gotta fake it til you make it after all, which is an actual quote I’m sure and not just bad sex advice.
Our first match is Jules and Cam, who are bound together by the fact they both want children.
Cam was in a long-term relationship but told us he “lost the love of his life” to the other love of his life… cricket. You know what I say about a man obsessed with cricket! Absolutely nothing, because I’m already asleep whenever someone just drops the word.
Meanwhile, Trisha takes Nic to a lab where he swipes through an advanced version of Tinder to point out that he likes dark-haired women. Nic gets paired with Cyrrell.
Nic, of course, had his cancer battle so has been focusing on himself for the last few years and hasn’t had time for a relationship. Cyrrell caught her ex cheating on her and most of her family has settled down, so she wants the same.
Everyone told their families they’re about to get married, and it goes down pretty well, except Jules’ mum kinda just keeps crying… all the time?
Cam’s dad also thought he was going to say he had a boyfriend, so there’s that.
Meanwhile at Cyrrell’s place, shit hits the fan. Her brother, Ivan, is not happy. “No expert can bring LOVE,” Ivan shouted. He has clearly seen the show before.
The best part of this whole scene though was Cyrell’s mother who desperately screamed, “DON’T SWEAR IN FRONT OF THE FOOD!” before then saying, “Oh my God, I’m going to have a heart attack.” Cyrell’s mum for Best Supporting Actress, honestly.
Jules had a slight pre-wedding meltdown and the voiceover told us she’s turned “to the bottle.” It turned out just to be a bottle of lavender to calm her down.
This show is so extra, and I love it.
At the wedding, Jules’ husband-to-be Cam greeted her mum straight away which was beautiful, except Jules’ mum is still crying?
Has she stopped??!?!??!?
Cam and Jules were both pretty stoked with each other and I accidentally caught myself thinking maybe this experiment DOES work.
Maybe I’ll marry a perfect stranger so my Nonna stops asking me when I’m going to bring someone special home.
Jules and Cam both had really nice vows, and it’s just kinda weird perfect strangers say nicer things to each other than I’ve ever heard from any of my ex-boyfriends, but that’s like… fine, I’m not bitter. It’s fine.
At Cyrrell and Nic’s wedding, Cyrrell reads a poem to Nic as part of her vows. Bec Hewitt is shaking!
Hardly a day goes by where I don't think about the poem Bec Hewitt wrote for Lleyton on their wedding day. pic.twitter.com/eGdDC4LVB0
— Denham Sadler (@denhamsadler) March 15, 2016
Meanwhile Cyrrell’s brother, Ivan, has not stopped muttering under his breath the whole time. When it came to the “You may kiss the bride” part, he yelled out “That’s disrespectful!”
Ivan, no offence, the only thing that was disrespectful here was your sister’s poem.
DRAMA TIME! There was a glitch in the sound system at Jules and Cam’s wedding and the MUSIC WOULDN’T PLAY FOR THEIR FIRST DANCE!
As Jules freaked out, Cam simply just started dancing with her to no music. We love Cam!
The night ends happily and Jules goes to bed saying she and Cam will probably have a “bit of a cuddle.”
“Is that code for doing the sex?” the old lady who lives next door to me yelled out. “Not that you would know!” she chortled as an afterthought.
Bitch.
At Cyrrell and Nic’s reception, Cyrrell’s weird, overbearing brother Ivan pulled Nic aside for a chat which is code for “vaguely threatening him.”
Ivan started grilling Nic on why he hasn’t settled down, and when Nic referenced being sick, Ivan starts going on about “so every time you get the flu you’re gonna bail on my sister?” and Nic is like, “Uh I had cancer????”.
Ivan then told Cyrrell she should give Nic a chance, so they go back to their hotel and get into bed. “No brother!” Cyrrell exclaimed happily.
I would freakin’ hope not.