jessika married at first sight

Happy Hump Day: Two More People Cheated On Their Spouses During Tonight’s ‘MAFS’ Dinner Party

Wednesday is known as many things. By its name, the middle of the week, hump day… the list is endless (just kidding, it’s not, they’re literally the only examples I could think of). But Wednesday is also known as the dinner party episode for Married At First Sight.

And because we love a shitshow, it’s time to chat about what went down.

The couples have survived (barely) a visit to the husbands’ hometowns and are back to reconnect over a glass or 10 of wine as they rehash the week that was.

So much rehashing.

bethenny frankel drinking gif

Here’s what went down on tonight’s Married At First Sight dinner party:

As the couples get ready for the dinner party, here’s where everyone is at.

  • Mick and Jess aren’t really on speaking terms.
  • Martha and Michael are looking at more photos of themselves, again.
  • Mike’s worried Heidi is losing interest. “Her eyes are becoming a little more vacant,” Mike says, summing up Heidi, I guess, but also everyone who’s still watching this show night by night.
  • And in some weird, alternate world, Billy and Susie seem to think they’re doing… fine???
  • And I’m doing OK, thanks for asking! But I’d be better if someone sent me this:
king ding-a-ling

 

The experts are seated with their spy cam and ready for the drama. “Last week Dan sat there in all his masculinity and a number of women went after him!” John said enviously.

married at first sight recap

“They disintegrated,” Trisha said, her eyes alight with the thought of sexual drama! “Jess went weak at the knees,” John said enthusiastically, like the thought of a wife going after someone else’s husband was an aphrodisiac.

I mean for these guys, it probably is.

As the couples arrived and settled in, Mick rocked up solo and told the group his side of the story.

married at first sight mick martha

Martha was quick to shut him down and remind everyone that there are two sides to every story. If only Martha remembered that last week, when she tried to throw Cyrell under the bus before she even got to the dinner party!

Jess pops up from behind the huge, heavy-looking door and lets us know she could hear EVERYTHING Mick was saying.

married at first sight recap

Or maybe a producer told her, or maybe she was in watching the little TV with the experts, who knows at this stage.

“Some of the couples are happy and some are breaking up in front of our eyes,” John said happily.

married at first sight recap john trisha

Sidenote, have you guys ever played a drinking game where you do a shot of tequila every time Mick says “unbelievable.”? NEVER. PLAY. THIS. GAME. PEOPLE! It starts with screaming the lyrics of “All By Myself” from your balcony and ends with alcohol poisoning.

Heidi and Mike start talking to Mark and Ning about their problems, and poor Mark and Ning are just confused AF.

mike heidi married at first sight

Heidi is still caught up on the “maybe I’ll find love with you” line that Mike delivered in last night’s episode. Heidi, honestly, that’s more affection than most of us will get in a lifetime. Trust me on this.

Then again, it’s hard to tell if Mike is still lighting the gas flame when it comes to Heidi. He blamed her moodiness and said it’d ruin things for them, while Heidi then said it wasn’t about her moods, it’s about her reacting to what Mike does.

married at first sight heidi

As they continue to argue and Mark regrets ever asking how they were, Heidi eventually snapped at Mike, “I’m not just going to marry ANYONE.”

Except, Heidi, you beautiful, glorious, confusing lady — you kinda did.

Billy and Dan have a bro chat about their relationships. “What have I gotten out of this relationship? Not much,” Billy said.

married at first sight recap

Ironically that’s what I say about most of my relationships.

Dan told Billy if he found a connection with someone else, he’d chase it. “That’s what we came here for,” Billy nodded. Except… no, it’s not called ‘Cheating At First Sight’ Billy you noob.

Jesus Christ, these messy shitshows.

Eventually, Jess wormed her way closer to Dan and they get chatting.

jessika married at first sight

Just normal stuff, you know, like how much they don’t like their partners and things aren’t working out etc. while their partners sit mere metres away.

married at first sight recap

And, in a totally not suspicious move, the conversation moved to a private area.

THEN THIS HAPPENED.

married at first sight jessika dan

Wow, he really just… went there, tongue and all.

This show has lost its shock value. I didn’t even feel outraged when these two started macking on with each other. The anger I normally feel at cheating storylines has subsided. All I want is for Jules and Cam to have a kid, Nic and Cyrell to work out (with me as their BFF) and Mark and Ning to move into a house with more plates.

THAT IS ALL I WANT.

And a long nap.

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Until next week guys, let’s remember that in the real world, it’s not OK to cheat on our spouses.