‘Married At First Sight’ Recap, Week 3: Swinging, Secret Affairs & Potential Divorces
We’re in week three of Married At First Sight and our couples have now survived moving in together and their first commitment ceremony.
YEP, they all decided to stay.
There’s a lot to unpack with that… mainly the fact that 95% of these couples are so terrible for each other that even the experts are shocked they lucked out with Cam and Jules.
We’re here to recap the week that has been, so strap yourselves in. As I always say, if you ever want your relationship to head into destruction, move in with the person.
Sunday night: The first commitment ceremony
So SPOILER, all our couples did decide to stay in the experiment for another week, but it wasn’t without some drama.
Our girl Lizzie decided to punish Sam for his week of absence with another week together as a married couple. He was less than impressed, but tbh another week of toasted pizza and Nutella sounds like a bloody dream to me.
More shockingly, however, was the fact that Ines tried to leave the experiment and blatantly pointed out she kinda hates Bronson, yet Bronson decided to stay. And this was after he apparently called her the c-bomb.
Wow! I think these two will make it!
Meanwhile, my boss keeps pleading with me to stop calling our WIPs “commitment ceremonies” but I am here to say, I WILL NOT STOP.
Monday night: The introduction of “yes” week
It’s the week one person in the relationship gets all the power, which tbh, is what most relationships are like anyway.
Matthew and Lauren hit some rocky territory when he just wanted to know what her favourite colour was and other boring shit, and she dropped a bombshell on him.
“I used to be a lesbian,” she said. His poor (non) virgin ears! Our boy didn’t even know how to react, but in all fairness I didn’t know how to react to her weird phrasing of acting like one could turn their sexuality on and off like a light switch.
If that were the case, I’d be switching being a heterosexual off for good.
Nic and Cyrell had a few stupid fights but resolved it all when she waxed his butt crack.
“If you fight with future spouse, wax them after,” I jotted down in my ‘Rules For Dating If You Ever Decide To Do It Again After Your Last Miserable Failed Attempt’ diary.
And Ines decided to slide into Sam’s DMs on Instagram with the common mating call — a chicken hatching out of an egg.
It’s weird, I sent the same thing to this guy I’ve had a crush on and now he’s, like, threatening to call the police or whatever:
Tuesday night: Mark & Ning are heading to D-town
That’s code for divorce-town, you sick f*%#s.
Cam and Jules have taken their relationship to the next level. They did the sex with the soothing sounds of cricket on in the background.
Cam seems stoked that it happened while the cricket was on, while we all know most people being forced to watch the cricket would be after any kind of distraction. As the famous saying by philosopher Beyoncé goes:
“I want your body right here, daddy I want you, right now,
Please turn the fucking cricket off already,
Daddy, I want you.”
Lauren and Matt were on rocky ground after Matt got scared off when Lauren said she wanted to be “dominated”.
They did some ballroom dancing and Lauren thought it meant they’d go home and tear each other’s clothes off. Instead, Matt mediated and fell asleep while she sat there bored and horny.
Lauren eventually confronted Matt about how she thinks their physical needs are very different. Poor Matt gets awfully confused by what she means by being dominated (“Is that someone aggressive, abusive, angry?” he asked the camera, terrified), and Lauren is meanwhile screaming things like “I want to UNLEASH THE BEAST.”
Surprisingly, Matt did not need an emergency hospital trip after this chat… that we know of anyway.
Mark took Ning for a gym session and morphed into the Incredible Asshole.
While Ning tried to crack some jokes, do some handstands, have a little fun, Mark turned into a grumpy old man. He accused Ning of making fun of the workout (God forbid!) and every time she tried to lighten the mood he snapped really fun, motivating things like, “If you can talk you’re not working hard enough!”.
In the end, Ning and Mark had a huge fight about it with Mark reverting back to being a teenager. “If I thought I had done anything wrong I’d apologise, but I haven’t done anything wrong,” he fumed, and all of a sudden it’s very clear why he’s 40-something and single.
Mark ended up taking off his wedding ring and storming out, just after Ning had made him a birthday cake. Normal, mature adult!
Lizzie tried to set up a romantic indoor picnic with Sam, who decided to force-feed her strawberries so she wouldn’t get the wrong idea and kiss him.
Life hack: take a punnet of strawberries on the dancefloor next time you go out, and when someone tries to force their tongue down your throat, surprise them by shoving a strawberry down theirs.
But the best part of the episode was when Cyrell pranked Nic with a “traditional Filipino feast.”
With Nic in power for “yes” week, he bought Cyrell a maid’s outfit and asked for some Filipino food. While he was out, she cooked him up a curry filled with chicken feet and an uncooked goose egg for dessert described as “jelly”, which is only fair because that maid outfit was an absolute punishment.
This GIF says it all:
Well played, Cyrell, well played.
Oh yeah, and I guess you should know Ines and Sam secretly met to talk about their “growing” “attraction” to one another.
The two have as much chemistry as a piece of dried up chewing gum that was spat on the ground, then got stuck to your shoe.