Here’s What You Missed So Far This Week On ‘Married At First Sight’
I can’t remember a time anymore where I wasn’t married… to this show.
We’re here and ready to recap the week that has been so far, before we get dragged along to another dinner party from hell.
So strap yourselves in and pour at least seven tequila shots because the week has been massive so far.
Sunday night: Commitment ceremony
Look I’m not gonna lie, I was rocking a mad hangover this episode and all I could think about was whether I should redownload dating apps again to use quotes from expert John on unsuspecting men.
Basically, all the couples stayed together minus ONE. Yep, we said goodbye to ex-virgin Matt and ex-lesbian Lauren.
Monday night: The couples jetted off to QLD
It’s quite fitting because Mike is the actual embodiment of a toolie.
As Mike and Heidi struggled to find their ‘love language’ Mike admitted he had never actually been in love before.
This seems like a lie because Mike appears to be deeply in love with himself, but whatever.
Mick tried to reintroduce some romance to Jessika after he fucked up by telling the boys he and Jess had done the dirty.
So he got a lavish cheeseboard sitch going for them, so they could schmooze and booze by the pool.
And just to reiterate… the cheeseboard looked like this:
Look. OK. I don’t even eat cheese and I know there’s a lot wrong with this. But he TRIED, right? Kinda? IDK my bar is so low that I thought it was normal for me to pay for my own birthday dinner and split an Uber home with the person I was once dating, so don’t come at me for relationship tips.
Mel stood up and gave a passionate speech at mini golf about how she hasn’t done the sex in years and that sometimes a girl just needs to be thrown down on the bed.
Hugely relatable.
Dino decided to tell us that he wanted to “make love to her soul” before he “made love to her body” and sometimes… sometimes I don’t have words anymore.
Sometimes, I just have pic reactions:
Sam and Ines kicked off their affair and it was about as hot as watching Q&A when you’re half asleep but trying to “keep up” with “politics” because you’ve “zoned out” from watching this other mess of a “show.”
Honestly, give me Tony Jones any day over these two.
Their banter was truly legendary. Sam said Ines looked “so good” about 157 times, then named a bunch of different types of olives. Somehow that technique worked and they ended up back in Sam’s room to touch each other’s olives or whatever.
I don’t know, I abstain, because this show has made me want to never go near another human again.
Tuesday night: The official girls night & boys night kicked off
Mel and Dino went shopping for souvenirs and Mel was ready and raring to go.
Dino is in such a state of constant zen I don’t think he’s realised Mel wants to potentially touch his kangaroo scrotum. Meanwhile, I’m whacking myself over the head with a bible until I become unconscious.
Mel literally said she’s excited for girls night so she can get drunk, come back and do the horizontal dance with Dino.
Lizzie made her triumphant return and it’s made to look like she “just misses” Ines leaving Sam’s room.
Sam and Lizzie chat about where she’s been and he’s not having a bar of her being ill. “I feel like I’m a pretty respectful person,” Sam told Lizzie, conveniently ignoring the fact that there’s a pink toothbrush that doesn’t belong to Lizzie, in his bathroom.
At girls night, Jessika tells the ladies that she and Mick did the dirty deed but she had felt pressured from Mike.
The fact anyone has listened to advice from a 44-year-old man who says he’s never felt love before is beyond me.
For some reason, Martha was just wearing a huge hat indoors.
Mike took it upon himself to tell Dino that he needs to bonk Mel.
“Now this is a girl who hasn’t had love made to her in 10 years, be a man about it! Take it!” the King of Romance says.
Jesus Christ almighty, if this is what men are like as they get older, I’m cancelling my heterosexuality.
But also, #CancelMike2019.
Meanwhile, Mel talked about how she’s had her “fair share of penis” so no one needs to feel sorry for her.
“She and I have that in common,” my elderly next door neighbour wheezed loudly. “Unlike you!”
Sam told da boiz Lizzie returned, but also said before she left she had been all over him.
He went on to tell them he had put his hand up to stop her kissing him, and she decided to suck his fingers instead. As it turns out, Sam’s personality fully matches his hair — greasy AF.
Bronson, somehow, ended up being the voice of reason in this episode. “Boys will be boys,” he said as I involuntarily shuddered. “But there’s a certain line where some things, you just don’t have to mention.”
Well done Bronson, it appears you have watched this show before.
Lizzie’s version of the story however was that Sam put his finger in her mouth and she was a bit “WTF” about it.
Is this a thing people actually do though? Asking for an extremely single friend.
The ladies night ended up getting heated (again) when the conversation turned to Matt and Lauren. TL;DR: Ines basically said she doesn’t really care about either of them leaving, nor does she care about Matt’s social anxiety. Lizzie blew up at Ines telling her to not touch on mental illness. Ines retorted that she’s had PTSD her whole life.
I started Googling:
Cyrell later told Lizzie that she heard Sam and Ines had been hanging out in a sauna, so Lizzie decided to confront Ines… again.
Ines called Lizzie a walking problem. “That’s some big words, aren’t they?” Lizzie said, glaring down at her. Well, look, Lizzie I am on your team here but not really tbh.
Cyrell then took it on to yell at Ines on Lizzie’s behalf. I guess you can swear in front of the free-flowing champagne but not in front of the food.
Ines sets the record straight for her on-camera part about the fact she and Sam never met in a sauna, and Martha didn’t have photos of them. “But they’d be hot if she did,” Ines declared.