The ‘MAFS’ Weddings Recap: ‘Til Death Do Us Part Or At Least Until Our Contracts Expire

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We are baaaack and we saw the rest of our couples say “I do”… temporarily anyway.

We’re here to recap what’s happened on Married At First Sight so far this week, for all you people who have better things to do with your lives than tune in every single night.

I deleted all my dating apps to focus solely on this show from now on, so I mean business. I have dedicated my life to this shitshow and it’s too late to back out. I’m more committed than John is to maintaining his “quizzical but make it seem sensitive” gaze.

OK, let’s recap night by night.

On Sunday, I did a lot of meal prep, exercised a little, and thought about the guy that catches the same trai-

No wait, this isn’t my diary, sorry sorry.

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Let’s talk about the final weddings and honeymoons.

Sunday night: Lauren & Matt got matched and Lizzie & Sam tied the knot.

Matthew and Lauren:

Matthew, as you may have heard, is the virgin. We know this because the show mentioned it 789 times in the first two minutes.

“He needs our help more than most,” John solemnly told the other experts. “It’s the most important match we’ve ever made,” Trisha agreed. Dear God, someone rescue Matthew, this is going to be absolute shambles.

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Matthew tells John he’s open to banging, boning, doing the sex, hitting a home run, making love, etc. during the experiment if it’s the right match. I’m sure Matthew’s parents will be thrilled to watch with the nation as our boy loses his V-plates.

Matthew and Lauren’s wedding was nice. They seem nice. They got along quite nicely. Matthew sang a song and it was nice. He told Lauren he was a virgin and she was very nice about it.

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Sam and Lizzie:

Our model boy’s biggest fear was meeting a girl at the altar who was “bigger” than him, and Lizzie’s biggest fear probably should have been meeting a douchelord model at the altar.

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Sam’s had it tough. Women look at him and think “nup” because they only think he wants a fling. UGH, poor guy!!! I can’t 🙁 even 🙁 imagine 🙁 how 🙁 hard 🙁 life is 🙁 when 🙁 people find 🙁 you 🙁 so attractive 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

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With John worrying that Sam and Lizzie could run the risk of being a “fiery” relationship, in the end the experts all agreed that if the couple took the time to get to know each other, they could be a great match. Except… the whole basis of this show is that there isn’t much time to fall in love. So, OK.

While Lizzie was wildly into Sam during the wedding and reception, he wasn’t feeling the same. He expresses his hope that Lizzie will want to take things slow, while she talked about wanting to jump his bones.

Monday Night: Ines chopped off Bronson’s balls and wore them around her neck, while Martha and Michael seemed pretty stoked with each other.

Ines and Bronson:

Wow, hurricane Ines has hit and while she rightly nailed Tinder (“it’s like going through your rubbish bin”), we soon learn she’s not afraid to speak her mind. To put it lightly.

Bronson, on the other hand, opens with the fact he’s a believer in “if you don’t love what you do, don’t do it.” Do you know who commonly says this? Rich people. Newsflash hon, most people do what they do to GET by, and pay an exorbitant amount of rent in a shitty city where we’ll all probably die alone because no one ever matched us back on Tind-

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As it turns out Ines isn’t that thrilled with Bronson, particularly the fact he used to be a stripper. A stripper with an eyebrow ring for that matter. She even likens his old profession to being a heroin addict, and Ines, love, it’s time to shut up now.

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Michael and Martha:

Michael and Martha were lovely and made a lovely looking couple and will probably have really attractive kids and that’s all you really need to know here.

The most important part of their storyline, however, was Martha’s grandma.

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We! Stan! A! Greek! Goddess!

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Tuesday Night: If honeymoons are this bad, I’m fine with being single.

We saw our final four couples go off on their honeymoons. Well, actually, three of them did, while Lizzie was forced to spend the time in Sydney alone.

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There were many pensive shots of Lizzie sipping coffee, looking upset, redoing her makeup, and eating chocolate.

But we knew she was really pissed off when she tried to toast her pizza.

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Sam, seriously, call Lizzie back, you twat.

Martha and Michael:

I’m sure these two will live a beautiful life of looking in the mirror and Instagram their relationship until they hit influencer level.

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Their biggest issue was Michael not being sure if Martha was into him, but then they both reassured each other that they found each other attractive, and that’s all that matters!

Bronson and Ines:

After watching every scene with these two I saged my house of all the negative energy that leaked from the TV.

Apart from the fact they are absolutely not going to work out, we need to take a minute to talk about Bronson’s weird workout on the balcony.

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Just another male I thought I was attracted to letting me down.

Ines and Bronson had an EXPLOSIVE fight on a boat, which ended with Ines screaming at Bronson to “shut the fuck up” while Bronson just wondered why the experts did him dirty like this because he asked for a nice woman… and got paired with Ines who “joked” about cutting the rope while Bronson was parasailing except, like, it wasn’t really a joke.

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Rumour has it, he tried to stay up in the sky for the rest of the honeymoon but they just wouldn’t let him.

Lauren and Matthew:

The two had some problems getting things started if you know what I mean. I’m talking about something many men have a problem with. It’s ok boys, it’s normal! I’m talking about problems with communication.

If you were thinking something else, I’d appreciate you getting your mind out of the gutter because this is a family friendly recap.

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They had a bath to try and kick off some intimacy, which from the get-go was a terrible idea.

Stick with me here: Couple baths are not fun. Ever. It’s like, “let’s light candles and get romantic while sitting in each other’s filth while mildly sweating because we can’t agree on a temperature and right now my foot is on your cheek and no one is comfortable in this situation, and the bubbles don’t sexily cling to anyone’s body like they do in movies and next minute they’ve evaporated and I can see EVERYTHING and oh shit is that boob smaller than the other AND I AM ONLY JUST NOTIC-”

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Anyway so the bath didn’t get Matthew roaring and ready to go like Lauren was hoping for.

But good things come to those who wait (lol, come) and Matthew did end the honeymoon losing his virginity. Oh, did you know he was a virgin? Because it was only mentioned 108 times in this episode, so if you missed it, I get it.

Tomorrow night: OUR FIRST DINNER PARTY! Oooh boy, are we ready.