We Ranked This Week’s ‘MasterChef’ Dishes Based On How Horny They Were
Cooking is sexy and deeply horny. That’s just hard facts.
Anyone who thinks that cooking is not innately sexual has clearly never seen Nigella Lawson holding a spatula or describing a chocolate cake. Under every chef’s hat is a filthy person channeling their repressed horniness through food.
As MasterChef returned this week, so did the contestants serving up dishes that were actually just thinly veiled sexual experiences. But which dish created this week was the horniest? It’s time to find out!
FYI: I’m not ranking EVERY SINGLE dish served in the MasterChef kitchen this week because I simply don’t have the time (jks, all I have is time!) so I’m just sticking to the noteworthy ones.
This week’s MasterChef dishes ranked according to how horny they were:
#10. Native Winter
I love Laura and I’m rooting for her, so know that I say this with love, but this “dessert” looks like someone ate cottage cheese, vomited it up, then ate it again, then vomited this creation.
Not sexy. Not horny. Just, no.
#9. Ginger, Yuzu, Thyme and Honey Dessert
There’s nothing horny about thyme and honey ice cream. Surely, that would just taste like a Crunchie bar dipped in pesto. I would not swipe right to this dessert, in fact I would report this monstrosity. Reynold has forsaken me.
#8. Rib Eye on the Bone, Potato Gratin, Citrus Scampi, Grilled Broccolini and Tomato Salad
Hayden’s finale-worthy dish had about as much sex appeal as George Calombaris’ sweaty forehead. He basically served the judges five different meals, swilled together three sauces and said ‘She’ll be right, matey!’. Even that thicc cut of steak ain’t enough to whet my appetite.
#7. Pork Belly with Cauliflower & Potato Puree
I don’t have a lot of thoughts about this dish other than it made Gordon Ramsay get VERY ANGRY and that’s obviously VERY HORNY. Ooft, I’d pay Gordon to yell in my face about pork belly. He could puree my cauliflower any day.
#6. Barbecued Spatchcock
This is PORNOGRAPHIC. Shame on you *checks notes* Sarah C! This dish should come with a warning! Cover your eyes!!
#5. Spiced Ginger Brûlée
Poh got her groove back with this dish and we LOVE to see it. This is a sexy little tart that I’d like to get to know. Maybe take to drinks, then to a bar, then who knows! The night is ours!
#4. A Taste of Sri Lanka
Dani won the only immunity pin of the season for this orgasmic dish so it has to be brimming with sex. It’s very colourful! That crab looks like it knows all my secrets! I don’t really get it but if Jock is excited, I’m excited.
#3. Pink Petal
This fruity dessert was made out of Jess’ tears and you know what…that’s hot.
#2. Pistachio and Strawberry Eclair
The phallic shape of the pastry aside, there’s something very horny about an eclair. They’re crispy, often dipped in something sweet and filled with a surprise. Emelia’s eclair is so damn attractive, I want to undress it, have my way with it, then call it an Uber.
#1. White Noise
Reynold plating up this creation and carrying it towards the judges was a religious experience. With every element a crisp, pure white, it was a feast for the eyes and one of the sleekest desserts the series has ever seen. Then there were the white pebbles bursting with strawberry consommé as if dressed in a lustful disguise.
The whole dish was a performance and I give it a standing O.
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Images/recipes via Ten Play.