Last night Channel Ten dropped the uber-anticipated trailer for Matty J’s season of The Bachelor, and hoeeee boy, it was a treat for the eyes.

In classic The Bachelor promo fashion, it features Matty as he stares off across the horizon, enough unnecessary shirtless shots to fill an issue of Playgirl, and plenty of low-key fetish shots of women’s feet.

There’s an abundance of cringey one-liners that no bloke would ever say in the context of the real world, plus a bunch of the contenders busting open the free grog at the first cocktail party. Hooley dooley!

Also a big FYI – TheVine’s infamous ‘Bachy video recaps’ will return on Punkee this year – chuck a ‘follow’ to see ’em here first.

And cos we are BLOODY dedicated, we have analysed all the important bits of the new promo.

Here’s our breakdown of the trailer, scene-for-scene:

The first shot in the promo is Matty coming out of the ocean. Considering we last saw him having his heart pulverised, it’s safe to assume he’s been living in the sea, possibly as a merman ever since.

Welcome back, land Matty.

Matty is looking out to sea a.k.a his old home. He is super reflective about life and shit. There’s some heavy stuff on his mind.

Oh that’s right, he was humiliated after being led-on and confessing his love in front of the entire nation…

You can still see the hurt and pain in his eyes. He reminds us that unrequited love is pretty shit. He has many feels.

As if reliving this wasn’t bad enough, Channel Ten roll the footage in slow-mo just to remind us how embarrassing it was for him.

This. Is. Savage.

But Matty has been channeling his heart-wrenching humiliation and anguish into some solid bicep curls.

…Also, he’s under contract and must shamelessly dangle his rig in front of the audience like a piece of #MattyMeat

But it’s all good – Matty found a suit lying around to wear.

From surfing to suiting up – this man does it all. It’s possibly some metaphor about his rebirth and trying to get laid.

Matty J is obvy like a paper bag, drifting though the wind, wanting to start again – so naturally the power ballad of choice is Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’.

Although nobody has heard this song since 2010, Network Ten reckon it’s still a pretty fresh banger.

What’s that? He is going to use some roses to hook them suckers. IT BEGINS.

Rose before hoes, amirite Matty?! (Sorry)

We see feet. So many lady feet.

Feet belonging to a bunch of blonde hair gals arriving and swooning over his lost, hurt puppy dog eyes.

Matty has realised it’s way more fun being on this side of the show.

…Also someone made the effort to bring heart-shaped balloons and that’s super thoughtful and/or impractical.

The balloons were CUTE, but dressing as a Persian princess doing cartwheels with streamers is probably a bit OTT.

Sorry love, but this is just Cirque du So-LAME, plus you almost kicked our Bachy in his beautiful chiseled man face.

The girls admit that they’re imagining Matty naked.

We’re all thinking it, tbh. Say it, sister.

Please, oh please lord Sandra Sully, let this be one of the actual girls on the show attempting to win Matty over with fire twirling.

Surely that’s more impressive than a donkey.

He proposes a toast to ‘Love’.

Which is clearly an ode to Georgia Love, who despite his hopes might have surprised him by jumping out of a limo in some sick Bachelor shock twist… does not appear. The girls are none the wiser. Who cares…. free booze!

Some girls get the G-Love reference and they are not chill about it.

In case you didn’t get it – this is The Bachelor and not the Bachelorette…

Last – but not least – TheVine’s infamous ‘Bachy Recaps’ are back again this year and they’ll live on Punkee’s Facebook page… follow us here to make sure you don’t miss it