We’ve Cultivated A Survival Guide For The Next Mercury Retrograde
There are dark corners of the world where the words ‘Mercury Retrograde’ are whispered in hushed tones. Even fellow Capricorn Lord Voldemort would shudder when speaking the astrological name.
Did you ever wonder why everyone was acting so fkn weird last month? Was your data randomly getting drained? Your laptop going skitz? Got stuck in some crazy traffic jams? Flight delays?!
Chances are, you got fucked. Not by Sam who lives next door, oh no.
You got fucked by The Solar System.
It’s no secret that Mercury is the ruler of all things communicative, cognitive, travel, and electrical. Therefore, during the 3-4 times a year when the planets start trailing in the opposite direction, it’s pretty much guaranteed that your life is gonna join.
Yes, Mercury Retrograde just ended. You can breathe a sigh of relief. But guess what? The next one is sooner than you think. Mark your calendars kiddos, because from July 7th to August 1st, you can expect the same wacky shit to begin all over again.
Luckily for you, we’ve put together a guide to help you get through (and maybe even conquer) this turbulent period of time.
So here’s our Ultimate Survival Guide for Mercury Retrograde.
1. BACK UP YOUR SH*T
Trust us, Mercury is going to try and wizard up everybody’s operating systems. Make sure all your selfies and photos are backed up and safely stored in the cloud somewhere. In fact, go the extra mile and put that stuff on a hard drive.
Also, if I had a Paddle Pop for every time Microsoft Word crashed during MR, I’d have diabetes. Make sure you select that autosave ‘ish because ain’t nobody got time 4 dat.
And for some serious expert tips, do NOT upgrade your electronics until after the Retrograde is over. You will regret it.
2. DON’T SIGN ANY CONTRACTS
It doesn’t matter if F45 keep hitting you up to renew a membership that you never use – don’t do it. And if Rajesh from Vodafone keeps blowing up your phone to offer you an additional 30GB, hang the fk up on him. Mercury is the ruler of formal contracts and agreements (we literally don’t make this shit up), so think twice before jumping into a long-term contract that sounds too good to be true.
However, if you can’t put your life on hold for 3 months, then DOUBLE, no, TRIPLE, no… QUADRUPLE check each and every line, because we promise you, you will find an important detail that you didn’t know was there.
3. LEAVE EARLIER THAN YOU THINK
Job interview? Best friend’s surprise party? Got a hot date at 8 in North Sydney and you have to take the bus? Do us a favour and leave extra early.
Mercury governs travel like herpes governs your lip – so always make sure you have a backup plan. And if you’re a Virgo or a Gemini, which are the two signs that are fully ruled by Merc, do us a favour and just stay off the roads.
Pro Tip: Pack an emergency roadside kit during Retrograde.
4. NO WORD VOMIT
It’s no secret that everyone acts weird during MR. As the planet stops mid-orbit and starts trailing in the opposite direction, so do our minds. Unfortunately, we can’t just omit contact with the human race for three months, so we’ve gotta make sure we don’t say some shit we can’t take back.
Be conscious of the things you say in social situations because it can be so easy to make a bad impression, offend someone, or take stuff personally. Maybe for this month, vent your feelings out on paper. Take up blogging or journalling, but also check in with yourself before posting any rants online.
Remember, everyone’s being swept up in this Retrograde, so they’re all gonna be firing the same sass at you. Take a deep breath and chill.
5. FLIGHT CHECK
If you’re flying out during the Retrograde, we pity you. True story: back in ’17 during MR, there was a situation where a co-worker showed up to the airport for their flight…on the wrong day! Double check all travel arrangements and make sure that you don’t boujee out on hotels for the first night. Travel delays during Retrograde are pretty much guaranteed, so do us a favour and book the airport hotel for night one, and then enjoy the Shangri-La for the rest of your stay (or Generator Hostel no judging).
6. AVOID ONLINE SHOPPING
You’re gonna roll your eyes, but it’s true. Mercury rules the postal system.
There’s no doubt that orders suddenly get lost or delayed during this period. Aus Post was conceived during the Gemini month, so it only makes sense. Because of this, keep in mind of tracking orders and postal insurance, because ‘ish is bound to get lost in shipping and receiving.
Also, make sure you double-check the email you put down for your confirmation. One particular Retrograde, we paid for concert tickets, and accidentally put the E-ticket email wrong!
7. PLAN FOR THE FUTURE!
Mercury Retrograde has a way of making us reflect on the past. The universe uses this time to give us opportunities to fix past friendships, rekindle romances or turn over stones. Utilise this time to learn from the past and let it shape your future so you can blast forward when Mercury does too! #Live #Laugh #Love.