‘The Christmas Wedding Planner’ Has Nothing To Do W/ Xmas But You Should Watch It Immediately
Christmas has come early because Netflix has dropped the absolute worst (translation: best) new movie called The Christmas Wedding Planner and after watching it I am changed forever.
It’s not just the title that’s baffling, and some are already calling it the worst movie ever made.
I’m still not entirely sure how this thing could even be classified as a Xmas film. It’s like the movie keeps forgetting it’s suppose to be seasonal, so it’ll occasionally just slide in some dialogue with someone screaming ‘Don’t you just love Christmas weddings!!!’ to save face.
I had hoped it would at least be a budget version of J-Lo’s 2001 rom-com The Wedding Planner but the only thing these movies have in common is they were both created on planet earth.
Okay, let’s get into it! Here’s everything that happens in The Christmas Wedding Planner.
We start the movie with the classic film trope of introducing our leading lady as some glamazon, only to find she is instead the total hideous mess. Classic.
Check out this bombshell. She saunters across the coffee shop like a beautiful gazelle. So glamorous. Such beauty.
But wait, what?! That’s not her.
EWW. WHO IS THIS. GET OFF MY SCREEN. GROSS.
Sure, they both look like Victoria’s Secret models, but I’ll go with it. So the Christmas Wedding Planner calls herself a wedding planner but we quickly find out she is actually planning her first wedding. So it’s kind of like me calling myself a surgeon because I watch Grey’s Anatomy.
In short, she is terrible at life and she doesn’t know how to do anything. Even walking without crashing into handsome gentlemen, like this man:
She’s loveable all the same and I’m rooting for her. Oh yeah, so her thoughts run throughout the whole movie as a consistent monologue. I’m only two minutes in and it’s already so annoying I want to set my ears on fire.
Another thing about this movie are the text messages she sends that run across the screen. It’s particularly weird when she starts listing her failures. I don’t know who she sends this to?!?
We find out handsome man is trash and won’t give our Christmas Wedding Planner a damn scone.
DEAD TO ME.
This generous soul is the actual GOAT and she should have snapped that right up.
HERO OF THE DAY.
Wait, wtaf it’s Lily from Gossip Girl. I literally expected Rufus to be standing beside her. She treats the Christmas Wedding Planner exactly how she disciplined Serena so I’ll just pretend this is some Gossip Girl Xmas spin-0ff.
Classic Lily. I can’t wait until she remarries a zombified Bart Bass back from the dead for the 15th time.
They get to the party and shit goes down. It was mostly white noise but then we find out handsome trash man is actually the bride’s ex, but more importantly: a WEDDING SPY. He has been sent on a special mission to ruin the wedding by getting dirt on the groom, Todd.
He tells Christmas Wedding Planner all this info, which seems a lil odd for someone who calls themselves a private eye.
Christmas Wedding Planner accepts this information immediately.
She’s totally cool with a private eye stalking her cousin’s fiancé’s every move. Which is weird, but not as terrible as the bridemaids allowing the bride to wear the ugliest effing wedding dress to ever take form.
Yes, that’s a mullet wedding dress with fur sleeves.
Next we meet the gingerbread chef (it’s Xmas remember!!!) and he is VERY angry and I’m VERY attracted to him.
He really really cares about gingerbread.
Christmas Wedding Planner continues doing her thing and handsome Wedding Spy keeps showing up and stalking her. CALL. THE. POLICE.
Just when this damn movie was getting so nonsensical I almost quit it, Joey from NSYNC shows up. They’ve hooked me back in until I realise he is not planning to perform their iconic chrissy banger ‘Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays’. I’m not happy. Not happy at all.
He now looks like your dad.
Let’s fast forward this mess to the actual wedding. We find out Wedding Spy was paid $10k to breakup with Christmas Wedding Planner’s cousin, and this makes Christmas Wedding Planner very angry. Which is weird ‘cos she’s normally so chill with her family blackmailing strangers.
On the day of the Christmas Wedding, as the nuptials begin Wedding Spy brings a pregnant lady to ruin the wedding. He treats her like a prop.
The bride ain’t thrilled with the pregnant chick and the fact her soon-to-be-hubby has knocked up someone else. She’s probz regretting the fur sleeves too.
Just when you think this movie has peaked, Christmas Wedding Planner and Wedding Spy GET FUCKING MARRIED INSTEAD.
I DON’T KNOW WHY???? They don’t know each other?!? He’s a stalker?! Maybe just date and fuck first?!
Why is this bitch smiling? Your wedding was just ruined and your heart broken!!!
This movie has ruined me and I need to take a long bath to cleanse my soul.
For those playing at home, no this film is not a Christmas movie even if the filmmakers did add a Xmas tree in the background of every shot.
I would hate this dumb movie if it wasn’t so baffling that I’m actually impressed. And you’re damn right I’m going to watch it again.