I Watched All Of Noah Centineo’s Rom-Coms So You Don’t Have To
When To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before came out on Netflix in 2018, Noah Centineo pretty quickly became my internet boyfriend. Despite the fact that his social media presence has since effectively killed my thirst for him in real life forever, his power as Peter Kavinsky is potent enough to render me unable to resist watching every movie he’s in – especially if it’s a rom-com.
This has unfortunately led to me watching several extremely terrible movies (and yet I keep going back for more!). To prevent you from going through similar pain, here’s a run-down of my experiences, ranked from absolute worst to Peter Kavinsky (because, duh).
I enjoy bad movies. Seriously. They are often extremely entertaining. I also have a compulsion to finish movies and shows that I start, so it takes A LOT for me to not see something through. Which should tell you a lot about Swiped, a movie I tapped out of with 45 minutes to go. Watching it felt like I was punishing myself, and life is just too short for that. If you’re curious, Noah stars as a fratty college student named Lance who teams up with a nerdy guy to create a hookup app that is apparently different to every other hookup app because it prioritises “no strings attached”. Noah is the best part of the whole movie, and his character is a misogynistic, slut-shaming, gross bully. DO NOT WATCH THIS.
I managed to make it the whole way through this movie (barely). Because of this, I can safely say it is the worst movie I have ever sat through. The plot, if we can call it that, centres around a couple (our boy Noah and Carson Meyer) who house-sit Keanu Reeves’ house in Malibu (I’m not kidding) with two friends. No one has any chemistry, nothing makes sense, and the whole thing turns out to basically be one long commercial for the director’s sunscreen brand. The most wild part of it, though, is that Pamela Anderson and Keanu Reeves – THE KEANU REEVES – both actually have cameos, meanwhile Molly Ringwald plays a small part and Goldie Hawn is the narrator. I promise you, they do not make the movie worth enduring.
The Perfect Date
The Perfect Date sees Noah Centineo playing a guy who develops a dating app. Yes, another one! This time his name is Brooks Rattigan (really) and he’s a high school senior who dreams of going to Yale and needs to save some money. He develops an app which essentially allows the people he goes to school with to hire him as their “perfect date”. This movie is, like, fine, but it feels as though the people who made it have never spoken to a teenager in their lives and don’t particularly care to, either. None of the characters felt real and it was hard to care about anything that happened to them.
Sierra Burgess is a Loser
I had such high hopes for this one. The trailer made it look so cute! Finally, a plus-size heroine in a rom-com who didn’t appear to be the butt of terrible fat jokes! Shannon Purser was still riding high off her turn as Barb in Stranger Things, and, of course, there was Noah, playing sweet jock Jamey – a character not too far removed from Peter Kavinsky. Unfortunately, while the movie’s treatment of Sierra Burgess isn’t explicitly fat-shaming, there’s an insidious undercurrent that tries to justify her terrible behaviour (and she behaves TRULY terribly – bullying, catfishing, and non-consensual intimacy) because she’s fat. Problematic elements aside, there are some cute moments, and Noah’s character is quite charming.
To All The Boys: P.S. I Still Love You
Peter Kavinsky is back! And sure, he’s a little less dreamy in this movie than he was in the first one, as Lara Jean gets to know the ~real~ him rather than an idealised version, but he’s still Peter Kavinsky. He makes mistakes and he’s far from perfect, but he shows up for Lara Jean in meaningful ways. The movie as a whole is a really interesting exploration of Lara Jean’s insecurities and the idea that “happily ever after” isn’t all sunshine and roses. Lara Jean has to navigate the dreams she has in her head (here represented mainly by John Ambrose McClaren – who, thanks to the extremely charming Jordan Fisher, definitely gives Peter Kavinsky a run for his money) with the reality that relationships take work, and that people are flawed. It’s not the kind of story we often see explored in movies, especially teen movies, and it’s refreshing. It may not be quite as fun or swoon-worthy as the first movie, but it’s still pretty damn great. Plus have I mentioned JOHN AMBROSE MCCLAREN?! (@ Netflix, give us a JAM spin-off please.)
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
The original and the best. The reason we all fell for Noah/Peter Kavinsky in the first place. He’s wonderful in this role, full of natural charm and simple yet thoughtful sweetness. His chemistry with Lana Condor is a major factor in his appeal – in fact, we don’t talk nearly enough about Lana’s excellence. She’s so expressive and her comic timing is excellent, but she’s also brings a lot of heart to the movie. And, of course, the accidentally exposed love letters and fake dating hijinks make for a really fun plot. There’s just something magical about To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. Now excuse me while I go rewatch it for the 1067th time.