I Went To A Psychic To Find Out My Future & Got An Accidental Exorcism
It was a slightly gloomy Saturday morning when my friend and I decided to go visit a quite well-known psychic in Sydney.
Both of us were a little tired and frustrated with the mundanities that come with being an adult and needed a bit of a laugh. We had also visited a cheap psychic about six months earlier and naturally thought, “oh hey remember that whack guy who told us we’d both meet a rich older man and how that didn’t happen?! Let’s do this again!”
Last time @Tahls and I went to see a psychic a guy called me David the whole time and said being gay was my devil card. So.. we’re obviously seeing another one and I can’t wait
— mat whitehead (@matwhi) October 6, 2018
It was a foolproof plan. Or so I thought.
Upon entering the room, our psychic had completely forgotten about our appointment because she had lost her diary on a bus. However, considering no one else was waiting, our 30-minute timeslots were safe to proceed with.
update: we walked in and the first thing she said was “what? Are you Steve? Shit. I’ve lost my diary I have no idea who’s coming in today. It’s like… shit!”
— mat whitehead (@matwhi) October 6, 2018
So in I went for what turned out to be the wildest thirty minutes of my LIFE.
Upon meeting Kelly* we bonded over a mutual acquaintance and then she launched straight into it. “You’re going overseas?” she asked. “No,” I replied. “No, not yet,” she said like I was the one that was wrong about something. “Next year, something to do with your work. Europe,” she firmly nodded.
Considering I just returned from a Euro trip late July, I just went with a polite, slightly confused smile… one that would remain frozen on my face for the duration of the session.
The only way to really describe this next section of my story is that this is a direct transcript from my experience, and this was all squeezed into about two minutes of conversation.
Kelly: “You’ve had a rough year, it’s been really shit. Everything, EVERYTHING going wrong! And you’re not a pushover but you’ve been tested and I just have this feeling of… ugh I just want to kill someone! I’m frustrated with men! Your Nana is here, she’s showing me you, you’re reading books! She’s saying you’ve always been very sensitive, and deep down you’re a writer.”
Me: “Well I actually am a wri-”
Kelly: “But you don’t get enough time to focus on your craft! She’s saying you’re very sensitive but also very cynical. Stop trying to prove yourself. Stay away from these men with problems!”
Me: “OK then.”
Kelly: “Clear your energy! You pick up on people’s feelings too much. Your last man played mind games, but that’s what you attract, people who use you. Why is that? How’s your relationship with your father?”
Me: “Good.”
Kelly: “And your mother? Good? Hmm, must be a past life thing. Ugh, I just have this feeling like, ‘I’m TIRED, I’ve lost faith in people, you know?”
At this stage, I wasn’t sure if she was picking up on my mood or if she was just expressing her own personal opinion so it seemed easier to just politely agree.
Anyway. If you think that was intense, strap yourselves in:
In the next three minutes, I think I experienced an accidental exorcism.
After realising that my parents weren’t to blame for my habit of attracting bad men, Kelly kicked it up a notch. “Did you have a friend who suicided? I’m getting a girl who suicided?” she asked me. Not being able to help her out with that one, I then found out I had a spirit in my house. “It’s creepy,” Kelly said staring over my shoulder.
Now, this is the part where Kelly started to burp. Loudly.
“Sorry!” she exclaimed, in between burps. “It sounds like I’m bringing up my lunch, but I’m not. The spirit is with you now. GO INTO THE LIGHT! Go! She’s over your shoulder.”
I looked nervously around the room. I saw nothing. “Go into the light!” Kelly yelled again. “You’re dead!”
I knew I had come into the session weary and tired from a huge week: In fact, one of my coworkers had mentioned the day before I looked like the little girl from The Grudge. But I also knew I was still indeed alive so Kelly wasn’t mistaken and thinking I was about to pass away, no matter how bad I looked.
My new spirit friend just clearly wasn’t leaving. Kelly’s burps were also not leaving.
As Kelly continued to burp and even dry retch she repeated the same mantra. “Go into the light, you’re dead! Go now!”
I started wishing I, too, could go into the light.
“Can you FEEL that?” Kelly implored. “She’s been following you! Have you felt depressed? GO INTO THE LIGHT!”
The burps… they continued.
“Close your eyes and look to your left,” Kelly told me. At this point, I was somewhere between terrified and amused. I am also someone who has a bad habit of laughing in uncomfortable situations, so I was trying to contain a lot of nervous laughter.
“Look to your left, look to your right, you’re in a white room, look to the front,” Kelly told me, still burping. “And repeat this after me, ‘go now into the light, go into the holy spirit’.”
I repeated the mantra, eyes closed and tried to visualise the white room I was meant to be in. The back of my eyelids and my lack of imagination refused to play. I imagined the girl from The Grudge standing next to me in a white room and let out a tiny snort. Thankfully Kelly didn’t seem to hear me over her last guttural burp.
“Phew,” she said. “Take a deep breath. Do you feel lighter?”
I did not feel any different.
“Good,” Kelly responded firmly. “When I burp… your aura, you need to clear your aura. I can come and sage your house, give me a call. Put the white light around you for protection and you’ll continue to do great things in your life.”
The rest of the reading focused on aspects of my life unrelated to the dead girl lurking over my shoulder, though it didn’t mean it wasn’t equally weird.
WOW, she truly was there the whole time!
“You need to get out of that house, do you love swimming?” Kelly asked. I do not love swimming. In fact, I can barely swim 50-metres without breaking into a pitiful doggy paddle halfway through. “You’ll be swimming a lot next year,” Kelly said. “I don’t think so, I’ve never really like-“, I started. “No,” she interrupted. “You’ll be living near a pool and you’ll go there a lot.”
“OK,” I said, defeated at this point.
Here’s what I’ve learned during this process:
I just went to a psychic and she said I’ve had a dead girl following me around which I can only assume was the dead weight of the last Bachelor season
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) October 6, 2018
Don’t visit a psychic with the secret hopes they’re going to tell you that your love life will get more interesting, your skin will become more clear, or that you’ll come into an unexpected windfall.
Because the reality is, you may say goodbye to a dead spirit friend and start spending time on imagining scenarios as to why you’d ever be regularly swimming in a public pool.
But for now, I’m having a great time looking nervously around my house, wondering if my friend has indeed vanished from my life or not. I’ll keep you guys posted.