Punkee’s Guide To Surviving Valentine’s Day When Ya Hopelessly Single

There’s one day a year that’ll send a shiver down the spine of any singleton: Valentine’s Day. It just such a bummer. No one needs that pressure, it often forces some to reach straight for Tinder to arrange an emergency date ASAP.

Luckily, we’re not even bothered. Who needs a pesky relationship when ya spending time with the greatest person in the universe: yourself.

That doesn’t mean we want to see happy couples flaunting their love right in front of our loveless faces. Hard pass. Instead we’ve sorted you out with a survival guide to avoid the many minefields and hazards V Day can present.

Here’s our guide to surviving V Day when ya single and have absolutely no desire to mingle:

Avoid:

Restaurants

Don’t even dare to go anywhere that food is served or generally any place where people can sit in sets of two. It’ll be couples as far as the eye can see. Gross.

Seek:

Alcohol + Karaoke bars

As all the lovey dovey couples converge on fancy schmancy restaurants, us singletons return to our natural habitat: getting drunk at ya local karaoke bar. Belt out a ballad, sing about the love you’ll never experience, but at least they’ll be shots involved.

Avoid:

Romantic Movies

If you have the inescapable urge to go see 50 Shades Freed DO NOT watch the S&M fest on the 14 February. Unless you wanna be surrounded by couples engaging in a low-key gobby in the shadows, it’s best to be avoided.

Seek:

Horror Movies

What’s the antithesis to lovey dovey trash cinema? Horror movies, of course. I can’t think of a better way to spend V Day than watching people being sliced up with chainsaws.

Avoid:

Parks and picnic areas (or generally the outside)

No where is safe, and anywhere you can find a stretch of grass big enough to fit two people, you’ll see loved up couples going at it. Nobody wants to see that.

Seek:

Cemeteries

While couples might have ownership over parklands and picnic areas, you won’t see them converge on cemeteries this V Day. You beauty! Host a seance, conjure up some spells to build an army of zombies to attack a wedding, you know, just let loose.

Avoid:

Family

Days like this, your family become public enemy no. 1. They’ll pester you nonstop about why you don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend, blah blah blah…

WELL AT LEAST I HAVE ALL MY TEETH, JANET.

Seek:

Fire

Set a fire!! Fuck shit up. Put all ya exes photos in a petrol tank and burn that shit to the ground. Who can worry about V Day, when you’re being treated for smoke inhalation?

Problem: solved.

~

CYA LOVERS!!!